


you look like a movie, you sound like a song

by oxygenlove



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Coming Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-09 05:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 71,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17401184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oxygenlove/pseuds/oxygenlove
Summary: It's not just the letters that got out.





	you look like a movie, you sound like a song

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [You look like a movie, you sound like a song [Tradução PT-BR]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20509532) by [ReadMeRight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReadMeRight/pseuds/ReadMeRight)



> reveals are finally here! i wrote this fic for top!soo fest's round 2 this year. the part of the prompt that really spoke to me was, _'Kyungsoo's never told his family he's gay. He can't be Korean-American and also gay'._ therefore, this is a To All The Boys I've Loved Before!AU but not really. 
> 
> unbeta'd so please excuse my tenses and terrible run-on sentences. i wrote this fic on and off in the span of a month so idk how i survived and wrote so much haha. this is my first longfic too so i was nervous how it would turn out D: so thank you to the fest's mods and my cheerleader (who also turned out to be my prompter too!) for motivating me to finish this.
> 
> if you liked the fic, please leave a kudos and tell me what you think in the comments below :D thank you~

// Press Play

There are very few things in life that Kyungsoo is afraid of. Loving too much that it hurts is not one of them. In fact, he finds it sweet – the pain of loving but not being loved in return, just like in the movies. There is a certain element of romance there, he thinks. The all-consuming longing for someone who's so near and yet feels so far away that the only way to not drown is to swallow it down and hide it in the deepest depth of your soul. He likes it – likes the feeling of loving and hurting at the same time because he knows that at the end of the day, he never even stood a chance. There is no hope there, no real love lost. Yes, Kyungsoo is not afraid of love.

Actually, Kyungsoo has felt love a grand total of five times. And while five may seem too many for someone his age, he thinks it's a healthy number. Love may even be too strong of a word (maybe 'like' is more appropriate) but Kyungsoo tends to be a tad bit too dramatic when he's over-analyzing feelings, especially his own. He supposes it comes naturally with watching too many movies. Which is why he isn't all that bothered that he's had feelings for five people. He likes to think of them as stepping stones in his very short life thus far. They were all special to him at the time of his feelings for them, for varied reasons each. They made him realize important things about himself at a time when he needed answers and guidance. He thinks of his feelings for them in terms of realizations, a lesson learned.

Kyungsoo doesn't let those feelings fester for too long, however. In fact, he has written a love letter each when his feelings had been too much for him to handle that there was nothing else he could do but let it out. He found it easy to write the words down on paper because in person, he isn't good with words. But with a pen, he can easily stop and think before he writes out his feelings. And with pens, he can just easily erase words when they don't sound right. Or if he's feeling particularly picky, he can even take out a whole fresh pad of paper to start all over again. Kyungsoo likes being in control. He likes it when his things are where he wants them to be. He handles his feelings the same way. He wants them tame and proper. And so when they get too out of control, too larger than life for him to manage, he writes them all down in a love letter.

But he never sends them. Not a single one.

Sure, he's sealed them and even addressed each one for authenticity, but he never sent a single one of them. He's even written most of the names in _hangul_ because he doesn't have the slightest intention of sending them. So then why? The same reason he never confessed in person in the first place, that's why. Confessing to someone that you like them feels a little too final, a little too end of the line. It's always when movies roll the credits or when books reach the final page. It feels like the end. After he confesses, what then? What does he do? He'll get rejected or he'll get accepted. But then what comes after? It's all unknown territory for him and Kyungsoo does not like things he doesn't know. So instead of trying, he just simply doesn't.

What are the letters for then? His own personal exorcism, he supposes. He hates writing school essays. He hates writing in general, if he's being honest. He's always preferred the more visual approach of photography and videography. So to sit down and exert effort to write his feelings on paper and seal them feels like purging his soul of his own demons - his feelings - so they may never haunt him again. And when he puts them in his mother's old hat box and tiptoes to push it to the back of his closet shelf, it feels like he's locking them away where they can't hurt him. Just the way he likes it.

And then out he goes to experience it all over again. No regrets.

 

 

 

 

 

// August

The night starts like any other. Kyungsoo is in the kitchen preparing the ingredients for _budae jjigae_ while his father is across the counter trying to figure out the new portable gas range for the table. In the background, he hears his older brother and younger brother fighting over the remote in the living room. Kyungsoo doesn't try hiding the smile of fondness on his face as he juliennes the sausages.

"Need help with that, dad?"

His father looks up, tongue poking out of the corner of his lips, brow furrowed in confusion and concentration. "Need help with what?"

Kyungsoo just smiles and shakes his head as he goes back to cutting processed meat. His father likes helping in the kitchen as much as he can, especially when it's Korean night. When Kyungsoo's mother passed away when he was younger, it was always his dad cooking them Korean food using recipes from his mother's own notes with the help of a few distressed phone calls to their grandma over Skype. He insisted that Kyungsoo and his brothers never lose touch of their Korean roots. He hired them a Korean tutor to teach them the Korean language so they can speak it with their grandparents. He drove them to Korean Sunday school a town away every weekend just so they can have Korean friends growing up. He got the Korean channels on cable even when it used to cost extra. He put effort in maintaining the memory of their mother alive not just by keeping all her pictures up all over the house but by letting his sons connect with her Asian culture. For that Kyungsoo is truly grateful.

Of course, now that he and Seungsoo are older, the Korean tutor only comes to teach Hyunsoo although there is very little progress there and they've since stopped coming to the Sunday church after the pastor got caught smuggling contraband _soju_ , not to mention the cable subscription have been cut for a few years now since they got chromecast. But the sentiment still remains.

Kyungsoo was just opening the can of Spam when he hears the doorbell ring, just as his father finally fits the canister of gas into the slot with a soft 'Aha!'. In the living room, Kyungsoo hears that the fighting has stopped for Seungsoo to open the door and before he knows it, he can already smell the familiar lilac perfume wafting to the kitchen.

"Is that Miyeon?" his father calls out from the sink as he washes his hands, ready to help with the cutting.

"It's me, Doctor P!"

Kyungsoo tries not to smile down to his cubes of Spam too much at the sound of Miyeon's sweet voice. Before long, she's entered the kitchen with Seungsoo in tow. Kyungsoo hears the television in the living room switch to America's Best Dance Crew, Hyunsoo finally getting the remote with Seungsoo in the kitchen. His older brother doesn't seem to mind. Well, not with her beautiful girlfriend here, of course, he doesn't.

"I brought dessert!" Miyeon heads straight to the fridge to put the box of cake away for later then heads straight to his father to give him a peck on his cheek. His father, like always, bends down a little with a fatherly smile so Miyeon can plant her customary greeting kiss. Miyeon is sweet like that, always polite and loving to her elders.

If he's being honest, Kyungsoo knows everyone in his family is a little bit in love with her, one way or another - his father because there hasn't been a girl in this household since Kyungsoo's mother has passed away and having Miyeon over is a beautiful break from all the testosterone he's surrounded with; Hyunsoo because Miyeon always brings him sweets and lets him eat them even before dinner; Kyungsoo, of course, because she's beautiful and has the voice of an angel; and lastly Seungsoo, her boyfriend. Seungsoo doesn't need a reason to be in love with her, Kyungsoo supposes. But he guesses it has something to do with the fact that everyone else does. Seungsoo is like that, a true family man. If Hyunsoo likes it, Seungsoo will get it for him. If Kyungsoo needs it, Seungsoo will give it up for him. If his dad can't make it to a school function, Seungsoo will go in his stead. Seungsoo has stepped in as a secondary parent ever since their mother passed away. Their father always says he felt guilty that Seungsoo had to grow up too early but Seungsoo said it wasn't anyone's fault. He likes being a teen-adult, as he jokes. That was six years ago but to Kyungsoo it sometimes already feels like forever.

"What flavor is the cake this time, Miyeon?" Kyungsoo asks to distract himself from his thoughts, not bothering to look up from his Spam.

"I baked choco-mint cake, for Seungsoo. It's one of his goodbye presents," Miyeon teases mysteriously as she sits herself on the counter to watch Kyungsoo cube processed ham. Kyungsoo tries to concentrate.

"One of?" Seungsoo sounds surprised. "I told you no need to get me anything else. The cake will be enough."

"Oh Seungsoo, what kind of girlfriend will I be if I only bake you a cake as a going-away present?"

"A good one?" Seungsoo's voice sounds a little bit pinched. Kyungsoo looks up for a brief second and senses that something is wrong. His older brother's voice only ever gets that high when he's trying not to sound frustrated and Seungsoo is never frustated with Miyeon. Not even when they're fighting.

"Definitely a good one, right Kyungsoo?" his father seems to also sense it because he's got that meaningful eye-stare going on, the one that all four of them guys share and know the meaning of.

"Yup, definitely a good one," Kyungsoo looks up to Miyeon with a reasurring smile, who looks to be finally feeling the shift in the atmosphere.

"Okay? Is there something you're not telling me, Seungsoo?"

Trust Miyeon to always be straight to the point. It's one of the only things they have in common. Seungsoo likes being vague, talking in circles. He'd rather tell you how much you suck in 10 different ways without actually hurting your feelings. Kyungsoo though, he'd tell you point blank, no bullshit.

Right now, Seungsoo looks like he's about to tell Miyeon something hurtful and Kyungsoo has a feeling what it is.

"I'll tell you later, after dinner."

"Why not now?" Miyeon looks a little bit in a panic, rightfully so. Kyungsoo meets eyes with his father over the counter and both of them shrug. This is a couple's fight and they have no say in the matter. Kyungsoo returns his attention to his Spam while his father washes the green onions.

"Fine, but not here," Seungsoo relents with a resigned sigh. "Come out to the pool. We need to talk."

 

\--

 

Miyeon doesn't join them for dinner. She storms from the deck through the house and straight out the porch after a long shouting match muffled by the glass doors to the backyard. Seungsoo runs after her in his car, of course. He's a gentleman like that. Even after a fight, Seungsoo will still put her first above whatever issue it was they were fighting over and soon enough, they'll kiss and make up. Kyungsoo knows, however, that after this particular fight, there will be no making up afterwards.

Seungsoo comes back just as his father is carrying the shallow pot of _budae jjigae_ to the table, all the ingredients they've cut the past hour arranged neatly on the pan. Kyungsoo carries the pitcher of stock and places it by the gas range while Hyunsoo brings over the tray full of _banchans_ from their grandmother.

"Where's Miyeon?" Hyunsoo asks as Seungsoo sits down at the table. His eyes are not puffy nor red. Not that Kyungsoo expected him to cry. Neither of them cry easily, that's Hyunsoo, but he expected more emotions from something so important.

"She had something urgent come up at home so I drove her back."

All four guys around the table knows that's a lie but no one calls Seungsoo out. Instead, Hyunsoo pushes the _kimchi_ towards Seungsoo, "Here, hyung, you get first pick."

Their grandmother sends them _kimchi_ through relatives going back and forth Korea. Of course they have reserve _kimchi_ in the fridge from the mart for everyday cooking but Kyungsoo's grandmother's kimchi is different. It's that familiar touch of homemade taste that makes it better than prepackaged ones. They always make sure to eat their batch as slowly as they can so there's always some left for each meal. One helping per meal, no refills. That's always been the rule. Hyunsoo always wants first pick so he can get the stalks for himself. To see him offer first pick to Seungsoo is just about as unexpected as it is to see Miyeon and Seungsoo shouting at each other. And yet here they are.

Seungsoo looks at Hyunsoo blankly for five seconds too long until a small smile blossoms on his lips, chopsticks aiming straight for the white stalks.

 

\--

 

It's after dinner. The _budae jjigae_ is long gone. The remnants of its soup and some stray veggies and ham had been turned into fried rice by Kyungsoo at the end of the meal. It was devoured in record time. That too is long gone. Hyunsoo has gone upstairs to his room to do his "homework" an hour ago and their father has retreated to his study. It's quiet in the kitchen save for the sloshing of water in the sink, splattering about with Seungsoo's gloved hand as he does the dishes. Kyungsoo's sitting at the counter looking over new movie releases on his phone, just hanging around for when Seungsoo tells him the deal with Miyeon.

"Do you know that I always hated cleaning up?" Seungsoo suddenly asks even as he carefully wipes the red stains of the soup off the silverware.

"Of course," Kyungsoo knows because Seungsoo also enjoys cooking like he does. He was, after all, the one who took over the cooking when their father gets held up at the hospital. Sometimes, people's teeth need a lot of cleaning, apparently. "But you naturally took over the cleaning when I started cooking."

Seungsoo grins at him, "How can I say no to that face?"

"Lots of people says no to this face," Kyungsoo scoffs. Most brothers would probably hate each other when they reach their teens but Seungsoo was more than a brother to Kyungsoo and Hyunsoo. He is a parental figure too, dependable. Kyungsoo never even had a chance with Miyeon, if he's being honest.

Kyungsoo liked Miyeon first, or so he thought. Seungsoo was the more outgoing one between them two so when he started bringing friends from glee club over to hangout after school, Kyungsoo didn't think much of it. Among the friends who'd come over was Miyeon. Kyungsoo noticed her because she'd always hang around the kitchen and help his brother and him cook when they come over. She always reasoned that she felt bad just eating good food, the least she can do is cut some onions. Sometimes she'd sing as she works and the kitchen would be full of laughter between the three of them. It was hard not to develop a crush on someone so pretty and polite, who can make his hyung smile like an idiot and his father blush. Overtime, most of Seungsoo's friends stop coming and their numbers dwindle down to a few, then to just one - Miyeon.

In hindsight, Kyungsoo should have seen it coming. Of course Miyeon wouldn't just choose to hang around the kitchen when there's plenty of Netflix shows to choose from in the living room. By the end of that year, Seungsoo has a girlfriend and Miyeon stayed over for dinner regularly.

The way Kyungsoo found out will forever be etched into his memory. Seungsoo came home from school flushed and excited, eyes wild with emotions as he marched straight to Kyungsoo by the sink, held his shoulders in both hands and blurted out, "I asked Miyeon to be my girlfriend." Kyungsoo's heart dropped to his stomach at the news but his brother's happy face kept the bile in his throat in check. "She kissed me after so I guess that's a yes?"

That night, Kyungsoo headed straight up to his room after dinner, took out his pen and paper and wrote Miyeon a love letter. After he's done, he sealed it, addressed it and put it in his hat box. When he capped the lid and pushed the box on the top of his shelf, Kyungsoo knew for sure that whatever feelings he had for Miyeon -now his brother's girlfriend- were history. That night, Miyeon taught Kyungsoo that he may not be as sacrificial and as devoted like Seungsoo is, but when it comes down to it, he will also always put his family first. That was a little over a year ago.

"Soo, I broke up with Miyeon before dinner," Seungsoo says quietly, the gravity of the situation made apparent by using an old nickname. Kyungsoo used to be 'Soo' and Seungsoo was always 'hyung' while Hyunsoo was uncreatively referred to as 'baby'. But over time, calling Kyungsoo 'Soo' got a little bit confusing when everyone has it in their name too. So they stuck to calling each other by their full name. No one uses their English name because they all like their Korean names better.

Kyungsoo can't see from where he's sitting but he can tell Seungsoo's been scrubbing the pot intently for the last 5 minutes, pretending to be careful so as not to miss any spots but they both know it's so his hands have something to do or he'll end up biting his fingernails, an old habit they both share.

"We know. The shouting was kinda loud," Kyungsoo puts down his phone on the counter, ready to give his hyung his full attention. Seungsoo finally stops the scrubbing, his shoulders sagging as he takes off the rubber gloves and neatly puts them by the sink. When he turns around, Kyungsoo was a little bit surprised by the tired look on his older brother's face.

"Was I an asshole, Soo?" Seungsoo asks, hand going up to his mouth on instinct. He catches himself before he can bite through his nails. Instead, joining Kyungsoo on the island across him. "Maybe I should have let her eat first. You know how much she loves _budae jjigae_."

Kyungsoo can't help but smile at that. Trust Seungsoo to fret over the useless details.

"You're not an asshole, hyung. I'm sure you have your reasons," Kyungsoo knew it was coming, maybe. But he always thought of Seungsoo and Miyeon as in love, like something that will stand the test of time. Lately though, they've been fighting more frequently over the littlest things and Kyungsoo knew that means something bigger was looming over them.

"She didn't want me going to Korea for university, you know?" Seungsoo says with a bitter smile. "She said there are loads of universities here, why do I have to pick the one that requires me being in a different country?"

The answer to that is simple.

"Because it's Korea."

Because of their mother. Because there's always that part of Seungsoo, the one that Kyungsoo has always been jealous of, which is connected to their mother stronger than Kyungsoo or Hyunsoo can ever dream of. He knew their mother longer, spent more time with her, knew her better. Seungsoo would always have memories of their mother to share because he remembers more, because there's more for him to remember. And Kyungsoo hated that at first, that all he had were broken fragments while Seungsoo had so many summers and winters worth of stories to tell. But Kyungsoo grew to resent the hate and slowly it disappeared the same way memories fade and all that is left in Kyungsoo was the desire to know more of the mother that Seungsoo remembers.

Seungsoo picked Yonsei University because it's where their mother went to university. It's where she met their father, a then exchange student. It's where they fell in love and lived their first years as a couple. Seungsoo picked Korea because it's his turn to live his life for himself, in a country that was as much his as it was their mother's.

"She didn't understand why. She's been asking me to reconsider because she thinks a long distance relationship is hard."

"So you broke up with her?"

"She said 'me or Korea'."

"Oh," Kyungsoo intelligently adds.

"Oh is right," Seungsoo chuckles. "I never thought of her as someone who would ask me to choose. I thought she was finally okay with it. I'm leaving soon but today she just-" Seungsoo pauses with a bitter smile, "She's known from the very start that I'll always put family first before anything else. And to me, Korea is like a family I'll be coming home to for the first time."

"Maybe she expected you to be a little bit more like her," Kyungsoo tries to suggest. Miyeon's family moved from Korea when she was just starting middle school. They haven't returned since.

"She knows Korea is important to me. I think, more than angry, I was disappointed," Seungsoo finishes with a wry chuckle as he stands up from the counter and heads back to his station in front of the sink, ready to finish his cleaning. "You know, now that I think about it, when I leave for Korea, you'll be the biggest brother around here."

Uh-oh.

Kyungsoo quietly stands up from his seat, ready to sneak out of the kitchen while his brother is busy with the pan again but-

"Soo, sit down. This is important!" Seungsoo looks behind him and straight at Kyungsoo who immediately sits back down. Damn it. "What I'm trying to say is you'll be a junior in a few days. When I was a junior, I joined like four clubs, I invited friends over to hang out and I met Miyeon. I got together with her junior year, remember?"

Of course, Kyungsoo remembers. How can he ever forget.

"What I mean is have fun this year! You can't just be always hanging out with one friend all the time. You used to have a 'crew' when you were younger. Get out more. Reconnect."

Kyungsoo does know but he has no plans of reconnecting. They all live such different lives now, it feels like another lifetime ago when they were friends. But Kyungsoo doesn't say that. He lets his brother give his big brother talk while he sits quietly.

"But most importantly, when you start junior year, I won't be here anymore. It will be just you and Hyunsoo and dad. You'll be the big brother around here. I know you prefer your alone time, watching your movies and taking your pictures but Hyunsoo needs you around, okay? You can't just be upstairs all the time or outside alone with your camera. Stay here longer with them than you used to," Seungsoo looks over at him then. "Between the two of us, it's you who's always so sure of yourself, who's always had a set plan at least two years in advance. Korea was my only plan and here I am now, about to realize it. But you, you already knew what you wanted to do for the rest of your life when you were 13. You've figured things out before even I can. So I trust you will do great when I'm not here anymore. I know you always sell yourself short but you're responsible and dependable too, you know? You'll do great, Soo."

Kyungsoo blinks back the sudden unexpected emotions trying to spill over from his eyes. They seldom tell each other things. Emotions and feelings are discussions no one in the house is good at. So to hear such words from his older brother, someone Kyungsoo looks up to, he feels a little bit overwhelmed. He doesn't even have the heart to correct Seungsoo. Kyungsoo may seem like the brother who has his shit together but really, Kyungsoo doesn't. He's stil figuring things out too. He tries coughing into his fist to hide his expression when he sees the slight smirk on his brother's face.

"You know, there's a height joke there somewhere..."

Of course. There's always a catch to Seungsoo's praises. Kyungsoo stops fake-coughing to glare at his brother then, the smile blooming on his lips a mirror of Seungsoo's own. They both don't handle emotional very well. Seungsoo chooses to joke about it while Kyungsoo always chooses to ignore it. This time though, the wide grin on his older brother's lips, the fact that Kyungsoo will not see him for a long time, the fact that Seungsoo's even smiling despite just having broken up with his first girlfriend, that he's here and he thinks Kyungsoo will do great - it has Kyungsoo reaching for the dirty rag he used to wipe the table with awhile ago and, without preamble, throws it at Seungsoo's face with as much gusto as his nonexistent sports strength can muster. Seungsoo, expecting it, dodges like a pro, chuckling to himself.

"What? Don't tell me you didn't think of it!"

"I'm not short! You're just tall!"

"Oh please, even Hyunsoo is taller than you now!"

That's it! Kyungsoo rounds the corner to the sink and turns the faucet all the way up high before he escapes into the living room and up to his room in a mad dash. When Kyungsoo closes his room's door behind him, he can hear Seungsoo still chuckling from downstairs, probably wet from head to toe, mop most likely already in hand. Seungsoo really did always hate cleaning. Kyungsoo smiles. That should be punishment enough.

For the first time in a little over a year, Miyeon's choco-mint cake lies forgotten in the fridge.

 

\--

 

Seungsoo leaves on a Thursday. Such a simple day, not even on a weekend. Even the weather is unremarkable. It doesn't feel any different from any other day. Except Kyungsoo knows that this day is not like any other day. Today is the first day of Seungsoo stepping out into the world as himself.

The past week, Seungsoo has been packing non-stop. He's only staying until Christmas but he's already packed way more clothes than Kyungsoo thinks is necessary. He's managed to dig into the farthest recesses of his closet which is saying something since he owns way too many clothes for a teenage guy, in Kyungsoo's opinion. Seungsoo said he just does not understand 'fashion'. Kyungsoo bit back his tongue on that one. Eventually, Seungsoo was able to comb through everything. He separated things he was going to bring and things he was going to get rid off. Kyungsoo was also roped into packing some clothes to donate but there really wasn't much he was willing to part with since he didn't have a lot of clothes to give away in the first place. Although he did end up packing a huge box of old clothes he grew out of.

"Are you sure you're coming back for Christmas?" Hyunsoo asks when their father loads the third suitcase into the back of the van. Seungsoo's carry-on is in the backseat next to Kyungsoo.

"I don't think Seungsoo's coming back at all boys," their father chides, wiping his brow with the back of his hand as he walks up front to get inside the car. "I feel like I just loaded his entire room into the trunk."

"Funny, guys. Korean men dress nicely for school, okay? I searched up the street fashion for university students and I knew I had to hit up a few stores before going. I can't just go to school looking like a bum," Seungsoo defends himself as their father backs out of the driveway. He suddenly looks out the front window up at the house and whispers, " _Bye, house_."

Kyungsoo thinks no one else catches it but him. He looks at his older brother sitting shotgun, a wistful look in his eyes. Kyungsoo feels a strange tightness in his chest then, like the air gradually thinning making it harder to breathe. It really is happening. Seungsoo is leaving today and they won't get to see him until Christmas which is a long ways away. Later, when they return to this street and turn into the usual driveway up their house, Seungsoo won't be sitting shotgun like he always does. Kyungsoo feels a sudden sense of calm-panic rising in his chest but he ignores it. Opting, instead, to stare straight ahead, breathing one two one two three. Things will be alright, he tells himself.

"Hey dad, with Seungsoo hyung gone. I think we can afford to take in another poor soul into our home," Hyunsoo starts. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. Here he goes again.

"Hyunsoo, I'm still here-"

"I think it's about time this family owns a dog," Hyunsoo announces just as they turn left off their street.

"I think you're too young to own a dog," their father says for the umpteenth time this week. Ever since Hyunsoo started watching dog videos on youtube a week ago, he's talked about nothing but dogs. "Focus on your studies. I talked to Ms. Lee last weekend. She says your Korean has gotten worse. You're regressing with your reading. Next thing you know, you can't even write your own name in hangul-"

"Oh please dad, writing my name is easy. I just copy hyung's name and change the first character with the cowboy dude," Hyunsoo brags, as if that makes things better. Kyungsoo's eyes will take permanent damage at the amount of times he has to roll his eyes at this rate.

"Look, Hyunsoo, owning a dog is a big responsibility-"

Kyungsoo eventually has to tune them out because he knows that once Hyunsoo gets his mind to something, he won't give the thought up. Truthfully, he's a little thankful for the distraction. It feels like just any other drive with Seungsoo up front and his dad driving, him and Hyunsoo at the back. With the bickering filling the car, it almost feels like this isn't their last drive as a full family for a long time.

They pass by Miyeon's house before they make a turn. Kyungsoo steals a glance at Seungsoo but they're all busy arguing about the merits of owning a dog that no one notices Miyeon out on the porch except for him. Miyeon's eyes are on the passenger seat and if Seungsoo felt someone staring at him through the window, he doesn't show it. The moment was over in a minute and when Kyungsoo looked back, Miyeon was just a small blurry line in his vision.

Kyungsoo knows that part of why Seungsoo spent so much of his remaining weeks cleaning was because of the breakup. It was Miyeon who always took him on shopping trips. At first, it was just to accompany her but overtime, Seungsoo developed an interest in expanding his wardrobe too. He wasn't always confident with his looks but Miyeon, pretty and sweet Miyeon, boosted his confidence a lot and for that Kyungsoo will always be grateful to her. Clothes, Kyungsoo supposes, made Seungsoo feel more than what he thinks he's worth. Kyungsoo once tried to tell him he looked good as he is but Miyeon already apparently beat him to it. She was truly good for his brother which is why it pained Kyungsoo to see Seungsoo sad and mopey since. He's heard him talking to her over the phone more than once since the break up and to Kyungsoo, it looks like Seungsoo still isn't over her.

"-soo. Kyungsoo!"

Kyungsoo snaps out of his thoughts at Seungsoo's voice. They're already stuck in early downtown traffic, it seems.

"Hey, you out there again?" Seungsoo chuckles, looking at him through the rear-view mirror.

"Sorry, what was it?"

"I said I'm leaving the car with you. You have to drive Hyunsoo to school everyday starting Monday."

Oh right, the car. Their father bought Seungsoo a car when he was old enough to drive. Kyungsoo got to pick the color because they all know he was going to get it once Seungsoo left for college. He picked black.

"Do I really have to ride with Kyungsoo hyung?" Hyunsoo whines with a pout.

"Hey, what's wrong with my driving?" Kyungsoo pretends to look hurt. There's nothing wrong with his driving, thank you very much.

"Nothing! Nothing wrong at all. It's just that..." Hyunsoo hesitates but Kyungsoo's raised eyebrow urges him to continue. "You drive too slow."

"Hyunsoo, we can't all be he-devils-"

"Kyungsoo, language."

"Sorry dad. I meant, Hyunsoo, driving slowly is perfectly acceptable. I drive well within the required speed for our neighborhood. And for your information, I scored higher than Seungsoo on my driving test. He's just been driving longer so of course he has more practice. Right, hyung?"

Seungsoo nods up front with a slight chuckle, "Right."

"So quit it or I'll make you take the bus on Monday."

"Kyungsoo," their father warns again with a small smile. Kyungsoo just shrugs while Hyunsoo sticks out his tongue at him.

In movies, goodbyes always looked dramatic, with lots of crying and sweet words to each other. Kyungsoo doesn't remember saying goodbye to his mother but he figured it wouldn't have been as dramatic as the movies make it out to be. So he feels content sitting in the backseat of his father's car, about to drive Seungsoo away for one final goodbye before Korea, laughter filling the confined small space instead of tears and hurling teasing insults at each other instead of sweet goodbyes.

In the rear-view mirror, Kyungsoo catches Seungsoo's eyes and for a brief second, Kyungsoo feels like everything will truly be alright.

 

 

 

 

 

// September

It's the first day of junior year. Kyungsoo woke up extra early to pack three sets of lunch. He rolled some _samgyupsal kimbap_ , one of his father's favorites, and cut the remaining Korean pears they have in the fridge from grandma. He packed them each a bottle of Yakult too. Hyunsoo's lunch will be a sure hit in the cafeteria again so Kyungsoo makes sure to add some extra pieces to his box.

Kyungsoo's first drive to school with the car goes smoothly. Hyunsoo was too busy telling him about all his plans for the new school year that he forgets to insult Kyungsoo's slow driving. Kyungsoo just lets him talk a mile a minute with a small smile on his face, glad that at least one of them is excited to go back to school.

It's not that Kyungsoo isn't. He's just indifferent to it. That's one thing that isn't so Asian about him, he supposes. He's not smart like Seungsoo nor is he an active member of a school sports team like Hyunsoo. Kyungsoo is no overachiever. He's just… Kyungsoo.

Everyone likes putting labels on almost everything in high school. Even with people, things are no different - jocks, geeks, nerds, band, glee, goth and the list goes on. Sure, it isn't as bad as in the movies where there's a clear divide in each faction like the membership requires a blood pact and an oath. In real life, relationships and friendships are more fluid and there are overlapping interests for everyone. Kyungsoo though, he doesn't think he has a proper label other than Asian. There isn't any identifier to mark him in the high school map other than his very Korean skin tone, and in a school with such a diverse population of different cultures meshing together, being Asian isn't enough for anyone to be remembered. In all honesty, Kyungsoo doesn't mind. He likes being in the background. It's easier to exist without the eyes of the public judging his every step. Maybe that's why he never joined any clubs or really went out of his way to make any friends. It's easy being himself when there's no one around to impress.

Although of course, he wasn't always alone. He used to have Seungsoo and Miyeon with him during lunch and when they were busy doing couple things, he was with Baekhyun.

Baekhyun, the one friend Seungsoo mentioned. Baekhyun Byun whose loud and a member of just about every club available to mankind. Baekhyun Byun who detests his English name Bryan because he says it sounds too plain. If Kyungsoo and Baekhyun met today, they would definitely not have been friends. But they met when they were in 6th grade, when Baekhyun liked 80s movies and 2nd generation kpop idols like Kyungsoo did. Then came middle school and Baekhyun, ever the talkative one, decided he wants to join the glee club and the math club and the reading club. He tried to get Kyungsoo to join too but of course, he was never successful. It's a surprise they're still friends at this point. With the amount of people Baekhyun is friends with now, Kyungsoo is sure there's no need to still hang out with him but Baekhyun is still ever so loyal and at least once a week, he would crash at Kyungsoo's house like he lives there and raid their fridge. His father doesn't mind. Kyungsoo's father likes Baekhyun because Baekhyun will play rounds of chess with him while his three sons gather around the tv watching some obscure Korean variety show with the subtitles on. And most importantly, his father likes Baekhyun because Baekhyun wants to be a dentist too. Or an orthodontist, he hasn't decided yet.

Baekhyun once joked he only stays friends with Kyungsoo because they always have Korean food at home. His own family is like Miyeon's, trying too hard to Americanize their kids. Last Kyungsoo heard, their family doesn't even celebrate  _Seollal_ anymore. But Baekhyun misses the taste of _Shin ramyun_ and _teokbokki_ , _odeng_ in _doenjang_ soup and _kimchi mandu_ \- all dishes that Kyungsoo knows how to cook.

Kyungsoo arives a little too early so he gets a good pick of where to park. He picks a spot just off to the side of the highschool's building, by the gym so he can drop by he bathroom real quick before he picks up Hyunsoo later after school. The day hasn't started yet and he's already making plans for after it.

He's backing up to his spot, checking his mirrors, left and right, checking his rear. He thinks he's a good driver, Hyunsoo can go cho-

"Fuck!"

Kyungsoo doesn't finish his thought because he feels the car brush something solid. He steps down on the breaks immediately and looks through his rear-view mirror.

It's Jongin Kim, Adler High dance god extraordinaire, looking lost through the car's back window like a deer caught in the headlights. Kyungsoo rolls down his window and pokes his head out.

"Hey, you okay?"

Jongin isn't looking at him but at a point on the roof of his car. Did he hit him too hard? Kyungsoo doesn't think so. Kyungsoo would feel it if the impact was enough to cause worry. It was just a slight brush. He moves to get out and check but before he can, Jongin is already walking towards the gym, his long legs taking him only a few seconds before he rounds the corner and disappears.

What the hell was that? But before Kyungsoo can ponder more, his phone pings with a message from Baekhyun asking him what's taking him so long because he's got first school day gossip to share.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes as he gathers his backpack from the backseat.

 

\--

 

It's only 3rd period and Kyungsoo is already ready to head home. Baekhyun hasn't showed up yet even though they were supposed to have 1st and 2nd period together. Baekhyun was never a firm believer of schedules anyway.

Halfway through study hall, he finally shows up with the most shit-eating grin. Kyungsoo feels a little excited, he has to admit. It was getting a tad bit too boring staring at nothing. As loud as Baekhyun can be, there's only so much noise he can make during study hall so he's at least bearable inside a classroom.

"Soo, you won't believe what I heard!"

No greeting. No hi. No hello. Straight to the gossip, it seems.

"I'm sure you'll tell me anyway, so spill."

Because Baekhyun is literally everywhere, he has news from everywhere. Kyungsoo is never too sure which are just rumors or actual truths with Baekhyun. Sometimes he's telling a story from the math club's perspective and then the next minute he's switching to a rival club's pov. It's a she-said he-said situation and sometimes, it's better to just nod along than remember all the details.

First day gossip seemed to be tame so far. The math club got extra funding because the president is dating someone from the 'inside' - most likely false. The cheer-leading captain got pregnant towards the end of last term and then got an abortion towards the end of summer vacation a state over - unlikely but probable. The cafeteria will install a feedback and suggestions box, old-school style, by the door - likely but Kyungsoo gives that box a week before they take it down due to inappropriate use.

"Oh and get this, Yixing dumped Mr. Hip Thrusts this morning!"

Kyungsoo's ears perk up at the familiar name and nickname. Baekhyun catches on immediately and smiles that cheshire smile of his knowingly.

"I knew that one would interest you, Soo, so I got all the juicy details for you," Baekhyun teases. Kyungsoo chooses to ignore the implications of Baekhyun's words. It's too early in the school year for his regular crisis to start. "So I was with the pre-med society this morning, which is boring by the way, but don't tell your dad I said that-"

"Baekhyun-"

"-and I heard from Robin who was friends with Chen who's friends with Tao that Yixing cheated on Jongin Kim with another dancer from a rival school over the weekend!"

Kyungsoo doesn't stop the gasp from escaping his lips. Yixing cheated? Smiley dimpled-Yixing Zhang, always so polite and kind, cheated? That sounds like an unfounded gossip, if he ever heard one. He doesn't believe it.

"I don't believe you."

"I knew you would say that but hear this, the dancer was Sehun Oh from McKinely!" Baekhyun doesn't seem deterred by Kyungsoo's disbelieving face because he whips out his phone, scrolls through it until he finds what he's looking for and all but shoves the screen to Kyungsoo's face a minute later.

Kyungsoo, ever the blind bat, blinks a few times to adjust to the screen's brightness. He pushes his glasses up his nose to focus better and what he sees shocks him. There, on the screen, is Yixing, alright. And he's kissing a boy, but instead of his boyfriend Jongin Kim, Mr. Hip Thrusts as Baekhyun likes to call him, it's another guy that Kyungsoo doesn't recognize. They're pressed to each other chest to groin in what Kyungsoo can only describe as an intense make-out session.

"That's Sehun, or so Tao says. I searched him up on instagram during 1st period and honestly, he's quite the looker. College house party, is what I heard. Jongin wasn't there, of course. He found out this morning before the bell rang and let me tell you, the confrontation was wild!"

"You saw them fight?"

"Well, no," Baekhyun powers through with a shrug, as if him not being there to witness doesn't take away from the fact that he's speaking as if he was. "But I heard stories!"

Kyungsoo looks down at the instagram page of this Sehun guy, which Baekhyun has kindly opened for him to browse through while he tells his version of what was supposed to be the fight.

"So Jongin doesn't know yet, yeah? And he comes to school with Yixing. I don't think Yixing knew they were photographed either, that snake. And he had the audacity to be the one to break up with Jongin? Can you believe it? Coming from that face? "

Kyungsoo shakes his head to show he was listening. Honestly, he doesn't get it. This Sehun guy looks like a noodle. His face is too long, his eyes too sunken. His face is too flat and his limbs are too all over the place. He looks two-dimensional, in Kyungsoo's honest opinion. Why Yixing would cheat on Jongin Kim with this noodle is beyond him.

"Anyway, whispers followed them down the hall to Yixing's locker where Marnie, you know, Marnie, right, Soo? Marnie takes one look at them in their couple cardigan and she knew Jongin doesn't know. So she asks Jongin point-blank if he knew Yixing cheated on him and Jongin looked shocked, to say the least!"

Kyungsoo reminds himself that Baekhyun wasn't there. There's bound to be exagerations in his version of the story and yet Kyungsoo can picture Jongin, clear as day, in his white cardigan from this morning, looking like a lost deer through his rear-view mirror- Oh! Right! This morning!

"Baekhyun-"

"-So Marnie went-"

"Baekhyun!"

"What, Soo! I was just getting to the good part!

"I almost ran him over this morning," Kyungsoo says. Now that he thinks about it, Jongin looked a little shaken and maybe a little lost too. If he just found out that his boyfriend of almost a year just cheated on him over the weekend, it was an understandable reaction. Kyungsoo feels both guilt and an ache in his heart.

"You what?"

"Jongin, this morning. I almost ran him over."

"Oh wow, Soo. I thought you were a good driver. How can you just run over a grieving man-"

"I said almost, okay? I think he wasn't paying attention to where he was going. I checked all my mirrors when I was backing up into the spot and then I felt the car brush against something that wasn't supposed to be there. When I looked up, Jongin was there, staring off into space. I asked him if he was alright but he didn't answer. Before I could check, he disappeared to the gym."

Baekhyun shakes his head sympathetically, "Poor guy."

"Yeah," Kyungsoo agrees, handing Baekhyun back his phone.

"But you know what?" Baekhyun has that shit-eating grin back on his face. Kyungsoo braces himself for the worst idea Baekhyun can throw at him. "This is the best time for you to reconnect with him, you know? Explore the what-ifs of that summer-"

"No."

"-and see if the spark is still-"

"Baekhyun, study hall is over."

"-there and see if he'll remember-"

"I'm leaving now. Bye!"

Kyungsoo gathers all his belongings back to his bag in the speed of light and before Baekhyun can finish his sentence, he was already out and away, safe from whatever it was his gossipy friend was going to say.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo supposes it doesn't start with Jongin Kim, not really. But everything else began with him.

According to Seungsoo, Kyungsoo's first crush was Tom Cruise after watching Top Gun when they were younger. For weeks after, Kyungsoo did nothing but cut out Tom Cruise pictures from entertainment magazines in their basement and glue them to a scrapbook. The scrapbook is still in the basement, hidden among the many books and scraps kept down there. Kyungsoo doesn't know if Seungsoo was telling the truth about this but he's seen the scrapbook and he can attest to some hazy memories of spending afternoons looking through magazines. He doesn't know how much of the anecdote is true though. Kyungsoo admits to nothing. You never know with Seungsoo. Sometimes, he's just as worse as Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo didn't write his first love letter until a few years after that, however. The first non-recipient was a girl from Korean Sunday school named Jieun. Jieun was younger than Kyungsoo was and she was smaller too. It wasn't everyday that Kyungsoo met someone shorter than him and that immediately made Jieun amazing in his opinion. Twelve year old Kyungsoo always made sure to play with Jieun during church because Jieun was just as quiet as he was and he always felt like it was his duty to stick with her so they both can be quiet together while all the other rowdy kids play loud games.

Eventually, word got around of the pastor's illegal activities and Kyungsoo and his brothers stop going to the church. He didn't get to say goodbye to Jieun so Kyungsoo, young as he was, thought he would write her a letter and send it to the church so it can get to her. It made sense to him at that time. So Kyungsoo wrote a two-page love letter using a No 2 Mongol pencil, complete with tears and holes from where he rubbed the eraser too hard on the paper.

Kyungsoo didn't get to send his goodbye letter though because he got afraid to ask his father for a stamp, thinking the man will get mad at him for trying to get in touch with someone from what his father called "a nest of liars". Kyungsoo ended up hiding the letter in his mother's old hat box, which was ugly enough that no one else in the family wanted it but useful enough that Kyungsoo took it. That summer, sometimes, Kyungsoo would take out the letter and read his goodbye to Jieun. That summer, Kyungsoo learned that saying goodbye isn't always necessary. That it's alright to part ways and let the good memories remain. That summer, Kyungsoo slowly accepted that he will never be able to say goodbye to his mother and that it's okay to have parted ways as long as he lets the good memories of her remain.

Jongin Kim moved into their neighborhood the summer after that, two summers after Kyungsoo's mother has passed away. Kyungsoo has started to think of summers in terms of his mother's death. Now, he knows it isn't healthy to dwell like that, but to his then young mind, it was a way to associate the passing of time with the most significant change in his life.

The Kim family has three children and three dogs. It was rare for Korean families to have more than two kids so Kyungsoo's father was already considered a friend the minute they exchanged welcome casseroles that first weekend. Of course, their situation was a bit different, what with Kyungsoo's father actually being American himself, but they were still also very much Korean despite his mother's passing. They have a separate fridge for all the _kimchi_ and various assortments of _banchans_ from his grandmother. They have a portable gas range and an indoor grill pan for _samgyupsal_. They have a cupboard full of _ramyun_ and Korean condiments like corn syrup and sesame oil. They all have their own _hanboks_ hanging in their closets and Kyungsoo has an impressive collection of old original Korean dvds. All in all, they're every bit as Korean as one can get in this side of the neighborhood. The Kim family liked that, traditional as they were.

Jongin was younger than Kyungsoo by a year. He was thin and scrawny with caramel skin and sleepy eyes. Kyungsoo honestly has never seen a Korean who looked quite like Jongin. He was intrigued straight away. Jongin was as quiet as Kyungsoo was which made him even more like a puzzle for Kyungsoo to solve. Kyungsoo never liked not knowing and he vowed that summer to get to know Jongin Kim.

That summer passed by in a blur. Before, it was always just Kyungsoo and Baekhyun hanging out but that summer, it was them and Jongin always together everyday. They'd run their bikes around the neighborhood, racing through the quiet suburbs and across the park. They explored the pond behind the old factories on the other side of town, gathering pebbles to throw across the water, placing bets on who could get the farthest (Jongin always won). Then they'd drop by the Korean grocery store for a Jaws bar each, always getting Jongin to be the one to talk to the _ahjusshi_ manning the store because Kyungsoo's Korean wasn't that good and Baekhyun was always a lazy bum.

Kyungsoo was never one to spend so much time outside, among the blooming trees and decades-worth of fallen leaves by the water. Kyungsoo always preferred the comfort of his own room, under his covers watching his movies. But that summer, two summers after his mother passed away, Kyungsoo met Jongin Kim and learned the beauty of the world outside of his bedroom window.

That summer, Kyungsoo picked up photography to be able to capture that beauty.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo almost kissed Jongin on a Saturday. It was the last weekend before they all started 8th grade. Jongin was younger than both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun by a year but he skipped a grade because he was smart like Seungsoo. His room at home was lined with books upon books about almost anything you could think of. Kyungsoo thought that was cool and bragged about it to his dad for three dinners straight. His father just looked at him with a small smile on his face.

Baekhyun couldn't make it that afternoon so it was just Kyungsoo and Jongin. Instead of heading out like they usually do, they decided to head down to Kyungsoo's basement where his father keeps all their books and magazines in boxes strewn across the carpeted floor. Kyungsoo knew Jongin loves books so he promised him anything if Jongin ever found something he wanted to keep.

They were looking through dusty pages of old sports and Korean magazines, a Kim Bumsoo ballad was playing in the old stereo by the stairs, when they see it - the Tom Cruise scrapbook that Seungsoo liked to tease Kyungsoo about. Kyungsoo tried to act blase about it but Jongin must have seen the worry in his eyes because he takes it from the pile and starts thumbing through Kyungsoo's childhood thoughts.

"I don't remember making that, just for the record," Kyungsoo said, pretending to look through Gardening Monthly but really, he was busy trying to look at Jongin's face above the pages, watching his reaction.

Kyungsoo expected teasing, like Seungsoo does, but instead he's met with silence. It was hard to gauge Jongin's expression. It was a mixture of wonder and curiosity, something that Kyungsoo was not expecting at all. He eventually gave up pretending and put down the magazine he was hiding behind to join Jongin down by the boxes.

"You seem to like pictures of him where he isn't wearing a shirt," Jongin pointed out, fingers trailing along Tom Cruise's very defined chest. Kyungsoo fought the unexpected blush that rose to his cheeks. He was seven when he made the scrapbook. What was he even thinking? And more importantly, what were his parents thinking?

"Okay, that's just one page. If you flip to another, there are pages where I have him in sweaters," Kyungsoo defended, foregoing all semblance of dignity and acknowledging that he did cut and paste those images of Tom Cruise. So what, sue him! "And if you flip some more," Kyungsoo reached over to flip the pages himself, "You'll notice that I have him here in winter coats next. I made it like a seasons catalog, okay?"

Jongin was looking at him then with the same wonder and curiosity in his eyes. Kyungsoo had gotten used to Jongin's staring the whole summer. The heavy gaze to the side of his face a familiar feeling by then. At first, Kyungsoo thought he had dirt on his cheek, or maybe cut grass or leftover sauce from lunch. But it kept happening every time, even when he was just standing and laughing, he'd see Jongin looking out of the corner of his eyes. Kyungsoo never liked attention but he admits the attention from Jongin felt nice. It made him feel important. He was used to Baekhyun having everyone's attention when they walk into a room. But Kyungsoo had Jongin's now and that was enough for him.

So it was safe to say that Kyungsoo was no stranger to Jongin's eyes on him. But that gaze that August Saturday afternoon, among the old boxes of dusty magazines on that moldy carpet surrounded by dust-mites, Kyungsoo felt something unknown stir in his gut. Was it worry? Dread? Anticipation? Jongin was looking at him with clear eyes then, sitting inches apart from him on the cold basement floor.

Kyungsoo didn't know a single thing about romance outside of his old movies but in that moment, he wanted to lean in and kiss Jongin Kim's lips.

But then Jongin blinked, a quick flutter of his pretty eyes, and the unnameable magic is gone in an instant.

"I thought you said you don't remember making this?" Jongin smiled with a hint of light teasing. Kyungsoo floundered for words for a few seconds before Jongin starts chuckling, the soft tremors of his laughter shaking his small frame as he looks at Kyungsoo with soft crinkled eyes. "It's okay, hyung. I think Tom Cruise is pretty hot too."

Kyungsoo kept his mouth shut.

That night, for the very first time, Kyungsoo wrote a love letter with no intent of ever sending it. The very first one. He wrote and wrote and wrote well past midnight until his fingers hurt and his eyes were tired. He thought long and hard what it meant to want to kiss a boy and with frightening clarity, his whole blur of a summer played out in reverse.

That night, Kyungsoo learned that feelings are complicated. That they're not just simple black and white.

That night, Kyungsoo slept fitfully, the image of Jongin Kim's pretty pink lips and crescent moon eyes haunting him.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo is rushing through the school doors as soon as the bell rings. He has 6th period free so he can just skip it altogether. He needs to pick up Hyunsoo too before they can stop by the Asian grocery store on the way back home. He was thinking a quick _katsu_ with a side of curry sauce and shredded cabbage will be perfect for tomorrow's lunch. They're out of curry cubes though so he needs to hurry and buy a pack before the Asian moms come flocking at 5.

There's almost nothing worse than getting caught in line at the mart with about twenty or so noisy middle-age ladies speaking in a chorus of Cantonese, Korean, Malaysian and Filipino above the recommended hearing level. One time, Baekhyun took too long picking his ice cream ("Fish bread or Hot Bar?") that Kyungsoo lost track of time. Before he knows it, it was already five and the mart began filling with the usual assortment of Asian moms. Kyungsoo's eardrums were ringing well after dinner. He's never taken Baekhyun back with him ever since.

Kyungsoo throws his backpack in the backseat the minute he's inside the car. He puts on his seatbelt across his chest, checks his brakes, checks his lights, checks his mirrors. When he deems that everything is in order, he starts the engine. It roars to life with a soft pur that has the corner of Kyungsoo's lips quirking up to a half-smile. He reaches in his pocket to turn off his phone and throws it in the backseat too.

Pulling out of the parking space goes smoothly unlike this morning. Kyungsoo doesn't almost run over a living being this time and for that he's thankful. But the thought reminds him of Jongin again, lost deer look staring off into space in his rear-view mirror. Kyungsoo knows the reason for that far away look in his eyes now and he feels the familiar tug of a barely-there ache in his chest. Kyungsoo has been avoiding thinking about the whole thing since 3rd period and for the most part, he has been successful. But every now and then he'd let the image of Jongin's blank face slip into his mind's eye and he'd feel the strange mixture of guilt and sadness swirling in his chest. Kyungsoo guesses that even after all these years, Jongin Kim can still make Kyungsoo feel a lot more than what is usual between boys. He doesn't dwell on that thought. It's too early in the school year for that. It's not even the first assembly yet-

"Fuck!"

Kyungsoo steps down hard on the breaks like a madman. Twice in one day? What is happening? He squints against the afternoon sun, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose to see clearly who he almost ran over this time.

There, smack in the middle of the parking lot before the school gates, crossing in his white cardigan and blue-washed skinny jeans is the star of Kyungsoo's thoughts - Jongin Kim himself. Kyungsoo would have laughed disbelievingly if not for the rapid beating of his heart in his throat. Almost accidents are never funny.

Kyungsoo rolls down his window again, peeks his head out and asks for the second time that day, "Hey, you okay?"

Jongin looks at him this time. He doesn't have the lost deer look from this morning anymore. Instead, he just looks tired. His eyes widen a fraction in recognition upon seeing Kyungsoo, mouth immediately going up to a small smile. Kyungsoo's heart does a traitorous, inappropriate and badly timed happy dance in his chest but he quickly squashes it down.

"I'm fine," Jongin calls out with a wave. He steps to the other side of the car, out of Kyungsoo's way, hiking his backpack up his shoulder. Kyungsoo thinks Jongin looks twelve again like this, figure hunched into himself like a tight ball. Dancing has filled Jongin up nicely through the years since they last talked. The Jongin of Kyungsoo's summer years ago feels like a different person to the Jongin of Adler High. He's grown taller, broader. He's not skinny and scrawny anymore. His arms have beefed up from all the hip hop he's been learning, and his thighs are toned from all the jazz he's been doing. Girls have been flocking to him like birds the minute he stepped on stage that first assembly freshman year, and when he got together with the Chinese exchange student Yixing Zhang last year, the guys who found out they had a chance began their thirsting too. Jongin's popularity with both genders and everyone else in between is rivaled only by the jocks and truthfully, Kyungsoo always understood. He himself is a regular in all the dance club's performances for reasons that may or may not be related to Jongin Kim. It's one of the few times each year that he lets his eyes and mind both wander and wonder about the what ifs.

But today, the guy that Baekhyun has nicknamed Mr Hip Thrusts is nowhere to be seen. Jongin Kim looks like Jongin again, the one from Kyungsoo's summer memories.

Kyungsoo follows the white cardigan across the dashboard with his eyes, rolling his window back up. He revs his engine back to life, ready to go when he feels something he hasn't felt in a very long time - the heavy gaze of someone staring intently at the side of his face. Kyungsoo's heart begins beating faster at the achingly familiar sensation. He's almost afraid to look to check. Is it just wishful thinking or is Jongin looking at him again? Kyungsoo's ears flush red at the thought.

In a split-second moment of insanity, Kyungsoo leans over the console to open the window of the passenger's seat. He's not one to act on impulse. Seungsoo was right when he said Kyungsoo is a man of carefully laid out plans. But what Seungsoo doesn't know, and what he hasn't seen, is the way Jongin Kim looked like that one Saturday afternoon in August, surrounded by dusty magazines, looking at Kyungsoo with the clearest of eyes, expression a mix of interest and curiosity. No, Seungsoo probably has never wanted to kiss Jongin the way Kyungsoo did that day. And honestly, Kyungsoo prefers it to stay that way.

It's the reason why, the only reason why—and Kyungsoo swears by this—that he leans over, opens the car window, looks up at Jongin's inquiring gaze and says:

"Want a ride?"

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo is screaming in his head but outside, he's as calm as a clam. He's staring straight ahead with great effort, trying his best not to steal glances at the boy beside him on the passenger seat. This feels all too surreal. One minute, he was in a hurry to get curry cubes before the Asian moms rush at 5. The next thing he knows, he has Jongin riding shotgun beside him. Junior year is starting on a wild note for him, who would have thought.

Kyungsoo doesn't make any effort to start small talk after the initial greetings. They haven't talked in years. Kyungsoo doesn't know if Jongin still likes to ride his bike around town or if he still visits their pond during summers. When Kyungsoo told Seungsoo he had no plans to reconnect with his old friends, he only really meant Jongin because Jongin was the only person other than Baekhyun whom Kyungsoo considered to be his friend. To Kyungsoo, everything truly felt like a lifetime ago.

They round the corner to the view of Hyunsoo waiting by his middle school's gate. He's gesturing wildly with his hands to a captive audience of friends. Kyungsoo can't help the proud smile that blossoms on his lips as he nears, happy that his younger brother seems to have had a great first day. Beside him, Jongin shifts in his seat.

"I didn't know we were also picking up Hyunsoo," Jongin says, his voice soft and quiet in the small confines of the car. That's one of the things that Kyungsoo remembers liking about Jongin. He wasn't loud. He was soft-spoken like Kyungsoo is. He knew when to keep his thoughts to himself and above all, he has the most radiant laughter in place of loud giggles. "Do you want me to move to the back?"

Kyungsoo slows down to a stop right infront of Hyunsoo, who's curiously peeking at Jongin while simultaneously waving goodbye to his friends. The door at the back opens, answering Jongin's question, and Hyunsoo slides inside, the car immediately smelling like sun and sweat combined.

"You smell like a baby pig," Kyungsoo scrunches his nose up, fiddling with the ac's fan to point it straight at the sweating boy at the back. "Had a good first day?"

Hyunsoo doesn't answer his question. Kyungsoo looks at him through the rear-view mirror as he starts the car back up again and sees his younger brother eyeing Jongin. The boy isn't even being subtle about it.

"You're not Baekhyun," Hyunsoo finally declares after his thorough examination.

Kyungsoo shakes his head in amusement, "No shit, Sherlock."

"Language, Kyungsoo hyung," Hyunsoo reprimands him in his best dad-voice, continuing his staring at Jongin who, Kyungsoo can tell by quick glances to his right, is actually smiling. That's good, right? Smiling Jongin is better than lost-looking Jongin, in Kyungsoo's opinion.

"Hyunsoo, you don't remember me?" Jongin finally asks the boy, turning around in his seat to look behind him. Honestly, Kyungsoo is a little bit surprised that Jongin even remembers Hyunsoo. Hyunsoo was a small little brat when he and Jongin hung out.

Hyunsoo looks at Jongin then, really looks at him. Kyungsoo watches all of this unfold inverse through his mirror, trying not to take his eyes off the road too much. The gears in Hyunsoo's head seem to turn for forever until a click sets things in place and Hyunsoo's eyes light up.

"Puppies!" was his first word out. "You got those three puppies!"

Of course, trust Hyunsoo to remember the things he's most obsessed about nowadays.

"So you do remember me," Jongin laughs and nods, settling back down in his seat, facing up front. He brings his phone out and scrolls for a few seconds before handing the device to the back. Hyunsoo takes it wordlessly and expectantly, knowing what's coming next. "They're not puppies anymore though."

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!"

Kyungsoo tries really hard not to look. He's a good driver. He will not look. Kyungsoo is stronger than this. But curiosity got the best of him and he looked.

There, in his passenger seat, is Jongin Kim with the softest look on his face. His pink lips are pulled up to a proud smile and his eyes are lit up like crescent moons, the same way Kyungsoo remembers him those summers ago. He's looking at Hyunsoo in the back, torso twisted in his seat. He must have felt Kyungsoo looking because he looks up and their eyes meet for the briefest of seconds before Kyungsoo had to avert his eyes back to the road, heat creeping up his neck and his ears going red at having been caught staring.

"You too," Jongin says beside him, still looking at him. Kyungsoo feels the dying heat in his neck creep back up to cover his whole face. He must look like a proper tomato at this point.

"Me too what?" Kyungsoo tries to keep his voice even. At the back, Hyunsoo is suspiciously quiet.

"I didn't think you'd remember me," was Jongin's reply. Kyungsoo can't help the scoff that escapes him. Does Jongin really think that Kyungsoo can ever forget him? Sure, they haven't talked since that summer but Kyungsoo thinks it's a little bit hard to forget the first ever boy—the only boy ever, actually—to make you question yourself, and continuously makes you question yourself. But Jongin doesn't know that. He doesn't have to know that. So Kyungsoo chooses to give the simple version of the truth instead.

"You're pretty unforgettable, Jongin," Kyungsoo says. Eyes on the road. Eyes on the road. "I don't think it's possible to ever forget someone like you."

Eyes on the road.

But out of the corner of his eye, he sees and feels the familiar gaze. Kyungsoo chooses to ignore it.

 

\--

 

They end up taking Jongin with them to the Asian mart across town. Jongin insisted on being dropped off at the intersection, saying he can just walk back home. But Hyunsoo was able to convince him to join them for some light grocery shopping, promising him ice cream that Kyungsoo doesn't remember agreeing to. Hyunsoo can be persistent when he wants to and honestly, Kyungsoo didn't mind the additional company.

It's a few minutes before 5, Kyungsoo's dreaded hour. They took too long to get here because of the 183 cm reason trailing behind him in the _ramyun_  aisle. Hyunsoo is, suspisously, nowhere to be found.

Kyungsoo's basket is filled with two boxes of curry blocks and a kilo of _gochu karu_. Behind him, Jongin is carrying a Pororo drink in a blue pet bottle.

"Thanks, by the way," Jongin suddenly says. Kyungsoo doesn't turn around. He doesn't have the excuse of driving a moving sheet of metal this time.

"For what?"

"This," Jongin gestures vaguely between them. Now that they've established that Kyungsoo isn't a total ass and have forgotten Jongin over the years, it seems that the younger has become more talkative. "I didn't have a ride home, actually."

Right, because Yixing is his usual ride. Kyungsoo has almost forgotten about that cheating bastard. With Jongin standing beside him, Kyungsoo is even more confused how anyone can cheat on him. Maybe Kyungsoo is just naive with his view on love. His movies have always painted it in rosy hues and a forgiving light. Kyungsoo knows it's much different in real life but still, he sneaks a look, this boy is leading man material. He's a James Dean, a Jo Insung. He's not the character who gets cheated on in movies. Or maybe, Kyungsoo is just biased.

Kyungsoo is itching to ask questions but he knows it's not his place so he bites back the curiosity and smiles instead, reaching out to pick up a couple of packs of the _Real Cheese Ramyun_ they were advertising on tv lately.

"It's really no problem, Jongin. It's the least I can do after almost running you over twice today."

"Twice?" Jongin looks confused, picking a pack himself and cradling it to his chest. Kyungsoo figured that Jongin probably doesn't remember anything from this morning so he just shrugs and goes to the meat section ahead. Jongin follows him without a word.

 

\--

 

They all got a _Ssamanco_ each, courtesy of Hyunsoo thoroughly surveying all the contents of the ice cream fridge. They left with two bags full of groceries that Jongin himself helped put in the trunk. They braved through the line among Asian moms at 5 and when they escaped the madhouse, the sky has already turned the colors of orange-gray and brown.

They ate their ice creams in the car with Jongin smiling and laughing as Hyunsoo tells him about his plan to get their dad to buy him a puppy by Christmas. Jongin tells them they should research about breeds to know what to look for and to visit shelters first before looking at pet shops. Hyunsoo nods and hangs onto Jongin's every word short of whipping out a notebook to take down notes. Kyungsoo just looks on with a small smile on his face, enjoying his younger brother being his talkative self and seeing Jongin animatedly listing his favorite breeds and their pros and cons, seemingly having forgotten this morning's drama even for just a little while.

When they finally drop Jongin off at his house (Jongin was surprised that Kyungsoo still remembers where, Kyungsoo just rolled his eyes and smiled), it was already almost 6. Hyunsoo bid Jongin goodbye from the backseat with more enthusiasm than Kyungsoo remembers him waving Seungsoo away to Korea last week.

Kyungsoo concentrates on his driving on the way back home. He's never driven in the dark before and the sun has already begun to set on the horizon. It's when they turn the corner to start the drive down their own street that Kyungsoo notices how quiet Hyunsoo is since they dropped Jongin off. He checks his mirror to look at the boy in the backseat, expecting him to be napping but what he sees is Hyunsoo looking out the window with an uncharacteristically pensive look on his face.

"Whatcha thinking, Soo?" Kyungsoo asks. His younger brother is the most outgoing out of them three. He joined the track team when he was in 4th grade and he's been competing in the school district since. He gets invited to birthday parties even 2 streets over. He has classmates over regularly and every other week, he'll be off at a different friend's house to hang out until dinner. Hyunsoo and quiet does not usually go well together.

"Hyung," Hyunsoo answers, not looking away from the passing houses. Kyungsoo knows it's not him Hyunsoo is referring to. He's 'Kyungsoo hyung'. Just 'hyung' will always be Seungsoo. "Do you think he's visited grandma yet?"

"He's visiting her next weekend, before the fall term starts," Kyungsoo says.

Seungsoo has been sending updates to their group chat regularly. He's settling in nicely in his dorm inside the campus. He's made a few friends already, he says. He's been shopping more too. He keeps sending them shots of outfits he's put together that only Hyunsoo cares about by liking each. The pictures that Kyungsoo look forward to are the ones Seungsoo has been taking of food. He's already been to _Dongdaemun_ and _Garosu gil_ and each restaurant he's eaten at has all looked pretty damn impressive to Kyungsoo. Seungsoo hasn't been able to call though because of the time difference. None of them are big on video calls anyway but Kyungsoo does kinda miss talking to Seungsoo, even when he knows the older would probably just be an annoying hyung and just nag him about house chores.

Seungsoo asked about Miyeon once but Kyungsoo had nothing to share about her. She hasn't stopped by since the breakup. She's also apparently stopped answering Seungsoo's messages. They don't mention her after that.

"Why? Do you miss hyung too?"

"Kind of," Hyunsoo shrugs and smiles as they near the house. The lights are on meaning their father is already home. "It's my first time at the mart without him."

Hyunsoo is not just the most outgoing out of them three but he's also the most sentimental one. Sure, he's a little shit most of the time but he cries easily, even at thirteen years old. He's the brother who keeps movie stubs, who collects napkins from every fastfood chain they visit, who saves birthdays on his phone and sets an alarm for each of them. Hyunsoo acted all cool when they dropped off Seungsoo at the airport last week but Kyungsoo knows he misses their older brother the most.

"You know? Hyung always buys me fish sausage to snack on while he shops," Hyunsoo shares just as Kyungsoo slows the car down to make the turn up the driveway.

"You should have told me that earlier. I would have bought you a stick too."

"Nah, I didn't want to disturb you on your date," Hyunsoo says it so matter-of-factly that Kyungsoo almost thinks he misheard. "I like Jongin hyung, by the way."

Wait. Just wait.

"Wait," Kyungsoo stops the car behind their dad's. He kills the engine but doesn't make a move to leave. In the backseat, Hyunsoo is already gathering his things. "Wait, Soo. Did you think-" god, how does Kyungsoo even approach this. "Did you think me and Jongin were on a date?"

Hyunsoo's eyebrows knit in confusion, "You weren't?" He looks too serious to be teasing Kyungsoo. "Oh is it, like, just a _'some-tan'_?"

Kyungsoo ignores the air quotes accompanying the Korean trend word that Hyunsoo probably picked up from Baekhyun. Instead, he concentrates on the fact that Hyunsoo, little Hyunsoo, who has not even shown any interest in girls (nor boys) thought Kyungsoo and Jongin were on a date. In a Korean mart. With about twenty Asian moms fighting over the freshest batch of green onion stems delivered this afternoon. That would explain why he suddenly disappeared the minute they stepped inside the store. But it still doesn't compute. Something isn't clicking.

"Soo, we weren't on a date," Kyungsoo tries to laugh it off but it comes off unexpectedly hollow. Hyunsoo raises an eyebrow. "No, serious. Jongin, he- he was dating someone else and they just broke up."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I was just being nice and wanted to cheer him up, that's all," even as the words leave Kyungsoo's mouth, they don't sound sincere. Bitter, almost. But it is the truth, albeit, a truth that Kyungsoo doesn't like but the truth all the same. Jongin was dating someone, a cheater as it turned out, and Kyungsoo is no one but an old friend who took him home because he felt bad. That's it.

"Well, I thought you two were like, dating because he sure liked looking at you with like, this look in his eyes," Hyunsoo shrugs, finally opening the car door and stepping out. Kyungsoo was about to ask what he meant with that, the heat creeping back up his neck at the mention of Jongin's gaze, when Hyunsoo slams the door shut but not before adding, "And I caught you looking a whole lot too so I thought the feeling was mutual."

Well, shit.

 

\--

 

For dinner, Kyungsoo whips up a quick meal of spaghetti and meatballs while Hyunsoo sets about to putting away their two bags of groceries. Their father opts out of helping in exchange of watching the newest episode of Running Man in the living room that was just uploaded that afternoon.

Kyungsoo waits for Hyunsoo to mention Jongin again, wanting to ask what he meant in the car before he left, but Hyunsoo went straight to sit with their father on the couch when he's done with the groceries and before long, he hears the channel switch to America's Best Dance Crew.

As they sit around the table as three instead of their usual four, Kyungsoo can't help but notice Hyunsoo looking at the spot to his right. It's been a week but they're still getting used to seeing Seungsoo's chair empty. It doesn't feel incomplete, Kyungsoo thinks. It's just different.

While they eat their meatballs and pasta, their father asks them about their first day back to school. Hyunsoo naturally takes over the conversation. Kyungsoo is content to just sit back and let his younger brother tell his day, hmm-ing and nodding appropriately during pauses. Kyungsoo's whole day was boring anyway. Well, aside from Jongin, that is. So he waits for Hyunsoo to get to when he picked him up with Jongin in the passenger seat but curiously, Hyunsoo skips over that detail in his story. Kyungsoo can't help the furrow in his brow especially when the younger also omits certain parts of their time at the mart just so he wouldn't have to mention their unexpected companion.

Kyungsoo tries to catch Hyunsoo's eyes across the table with a questioning gaze but Hyunsoo is purposefully avoiding him. Instead, giving an impassioned speech to their father about the pros and cons of owning a dog. Almost reciting word for word what Jongin said in the car as they ate their fish bread ice cream in the mart's parking lot. He doesn't mention who he got all the points from though and Kyungsoo's curiosity with Hyunsoo's odd behavior grows deeper. Kyungsoo has learned while growing up with Seungsoo, and eventually Hyunsoo too, that anything out of the ordinary always means a scheme. Hyunsoo is scheming and Kyungsoo has absolutely no idea what it can be.

After dinner, Hyunsoo takes up cleaning duties wordlessly, much to Kyungsoo and their father's surprise. Kyungsoo snaps a picture of Hyunsoo wearing Seungsoo's pink rubber gloves and sends the image to their older brother with rows of exclamation points that Hyunsoo said was overkill.

Why the odd behavior though? Kyungsoo wonders as he wipes the table down with the kitchen rag. Hyunsoo doesn't seem angry or mad at Kyungsoo. And why would he be? Kyungsoo didn't do anything to get mad over. And besides, Hyunsoo isn't the type to get mad easily. Kyungsoo once threw his collection of plastic sporks out the window after a fight and Hyunsoo just shrugged and went down the lawn to pick them up one by one.

Maybe Hyunsoo was embarrassed at having assumed that Kyungsoo was on a date? And in the same line of thought, that Kyungsoo was gay?

Gay. Is Kyungsoo gay? In all honesty, Kyungsoo hasn't dwelled on that part of the whole Jongin ordeal. Sure, Kyungsoo has wondered and he suspects that he may be, at the very least, bi but he doesn't have enough evidence to back up any theories as of this moment. He's watched porn. Plenty of porn, in fact. He's basically watched it all. But at the age of 17, anything can easily get him off so it's not a fool-proof data collection method. Even his unsent love letters, sealed away in his mother's hat box up on the top of his shelf, has a 4:1 ratio of girls to boys. At this point, Jongin looks more like an exception than a possible norm. But Kyungsoo is not ruling out the possibility. Definitely not. He just chooses to ignore the problem until he has to deal with it. And truthfully, he plans to not deal with it any time soon. In fact, he plans to not deal with his feelings for Jongin at all. Kyungsoo is all about compartmentalization.

Although now that Kyungsoo thinks about it, while he did deny that Jongin and him were a thing ('som-tan', Hyunsoo's voice echoes in his head), he never denied that possibility of him liking Jongin nor did he deny the possibility of him liking a guy in general.

Oh god. This is too early in the school year to have his regular bouts of sexual identity crisis keep him up at night.

Kyungsoo ends up laying down on his bed earlier than usual, the excitement of the day's activities and the mental exercises he had to do to keep himself sane pulling at his eyelids into an almost drowsy stupor. He tries to fight the sleep to at least get started on some homework but he's no Seungsoo. He doesn't do homework early. He does them on the weekends because he never has plans on the weekends. But it's the first day of the school year, maybe he ought to start being more interested in school work. However, the bed is too warm and comfortable for him to bother getting up that he eventually gives up his internal monologue with himself and just lets his limbs relax, letting sleep finally take him.

Later in the night, Kyungsoo dreams of Hyunsoo tiptoe-ing inside his room, heading straight to his closet and reaching for his top shelf.

 

 

 

 

 

// October

Kyungsoo is running late. He overslept after marathoning Limitless and Dexter all weekend then remembering last minute that he had a paper due 1st period first thing on Monday. He ended up writing out nonsense until 4 am, which gave him a few hours of sleep that's not nearly enough if his groggy state is anything to judge by. He woke up to a grilled cheese sandwich and half an apple on the counter with a note from Hyunsoo.

_'took the bus'_

Now he just feels bad. Seungsoo would have never overslept and missed driving Hyunsoo to school. Good thing their dad doesn't have morning hours at the hospital today. He's still up in his room having a sleep-in.

Kyungsoo took a picture of the grilled cheese and apple, of course, sending it to their group chat to thank Hyunsoo and to show off to Seungsoo too. He'll get scolded but that's already expected. He just wants to gloat that Hyunsoo cooked him something. Kyungsoo smiles at the thought of Seungsoo throwing a fit all the way in Korea. Take that, Mr. I-ate-lobster-tail-topped-with-butter-and-gooey-cheese! Kyungsoo saved that picture of the lobster Seungsoo sent last week when he went to the night market at _Myeongdong_. It's currently Kyungsoo's wallpaper and he's not even ashamed to admit he stares at it everyday with a longing in his heart. One day...

Both sandwich and apple were downed in a minute and before long, Kyungsoo's already dressed in his usual black on black on black. He's already running late, no time to think about colors. On his way out, he picks up the mail and throws it back on the counter before grabbing his car keys and a peppermint from the candy bowl. He dashes out to the car with his backpack in his hand, hoping to make it before the first bell.

In his haste, Kyungsoo didn't notice the brown envelope with his own handwriting among the bills in white.

 

\--

 

The cafeteria is bustling with a chorus of teenage gossip and friendly banter in a volume that isn't particularly pleasant to the ears. It's not loud but Kyungsoo's always liked quiet and the school cafeteria at lunch isn't quiet at the very least. Kyungsoo seldom steps inside the place, choosing to eat his prepacked lunch out in the courtyard by the bleachers where he can look out onto the green field in peace and enjoy his alone time. Today though, he doesn't have a prepacked lunch. He's got no choice but to line up and take his fill of dry chicken nuggets, a scoop of tater tots and the most unappetizing glob of smushed green peas with a box of apple juice. He declined the unidentifiable red soup. The lone choco chip cookie is the only saving grace of his tray.

Walking with his lunch through tables full of students busy with their conversations, huddled with their friend groups, it's easy to feel out of place. Kyungsoo is no outcast. He knows people. But he considers them acquaintances. Classmates. Schoolmates. People he interacts with on a daily basis because he needs to. He keeps to himself out of choice but now, seeing the cliques and the closed off spaces of bodies turned towards each other in comfortable camaraderie, Kyungsoo has to admit that he does feel a tad bit alone. But he shakes the thought off. It's just for today. Tomorrow, he'll pack himself a big lunch of _kimchi_ fried rice, top it with some leftover _mandu_ from the weekend and sneak in 2 Yakults. The thought immediately cheers him up.

He finds an empty table by the window in the far corner of the room, near the suggestion box that, surprisingly, has not been taken down yet (that first day gossip turned out to be true after all). The table is directly under the harsh mid-noon sunlight, effectively warding off all students from sitting on it. The days have become noticeably colder with autumn gearing up over the weekend but the sun has not let up in the afternoon just yet, the remnants of summer clinging until the first few days of October. Kyungsoo is a fan of autumn, although he likes summer best.

Kyungsoo sets up camp on the table, placing his backpack on the chair next to his and taking out his macbook to watch the movie he's queued up last night. He pulls out his phone to take a picture of his pitiful lunch then sends Baekhyun a message if he wants to eat together. The reply is immediate, asking him what's for lunch, probably expecting Kyungsoo to have packed him something. Kyungsoo rarely asks where Baekhyun is during lunch and when he does, it's because he packed some extra food for him. Well, unfortunately for him, today's menu is just plain ol' chicken nuggets. Kyungsoo almost feels sorry when he sends Baekhyun the picture he took of his tray and puts away his phone in his pocket, not expecting a reply anytime soon. He stabs a tater tots with his fork and turns on his laptop.

A few moments later, the cafeteria crowd has began to thin naturally and with them, the noise has receded to a tolerable level. Kyungsoo is almost done with his lunch, a piece of not-chicken nuggets (Kyungsoo is now sure it's flour and tofu with chicken flavoring) and half his apple juice left, when the chair infront of him gets pulled back and he is joined by another student in his table. Kyungsoo, too engrossed in his movie, doesn't notice the tables around him has gone completely silent. He looks up, expecting to see Baekhyun, ready to offer him the last tofu nugget but what Kyungsoo sees in front of him, blurred out as he is, is definitely not Baekhyun Byun. Baekhyun does not have crescent moon eyes and tanned skin, nor does he have a smile as radiant as this.

"Jongin?"

"Er, hi," Jongin smiles at him across the table and Kyungsoo is momentarily struck speechless. Jongin is the last person he expects to sit with him and yet here he is, sitting across Kyungsoo casually in his brown cardigan and light wash jeans, hair hanging down his face in a careless tousle. Jongin's eyes are hazel brown and smiling, lips set in an easy smile. Here among the bustle of badly dressed and pimpled teens, Jongin looks straight out of a Levis teen catalog. He doesn't look out of place but he certainly does stand out.

"Hi?" Kyungsoo greets uncertainly, still a tad bit shaken at seeing Jongin up close, out here in the open in a setting where they both don't usually mingle together. In the confines of a car, where he doesn't have to look at him straight on aside from stolen glances, Kyungsoo can handle Jongin Kim. He has survived Jongin Kim. But here in the middle of the day out here in the open, it's different. It's not the dimmed lighting of auditoriums when Kyungsoo watches him dance from afar, barely making out his face from the back. This is a mere table between them and the sunlight hitting Jongin's soft and yet sharp features all at once. Kyungsoo is aware he may be overreacting a little bit but his thoughts are his own and he's free to be as dramatic as he wants in his head. Kyungsoo thinks that's just fair.

Jongin leans over the table. Kyungsoo leans back.

"Hey, I just came over to ask you about something," Jongin says softly, a sheepish look coming over his face. The smile is still there but he's looking a little bit uncertain now. Kyungsoo doesn't know if it's because they haven't talked in school before. Is Jongin uncomfortable? But he was the one who sat here on his table so there's that. So why- is it because Kyungsoo has been ignoring him since their Korean mart trip a few weeks ago?

The next day after their impromptu car ride, Kyungsoo passed by Jongin in the corridor after 3rd period. Kyungsoo saw him first and unconsciously, out of habit, he walked faster before Jongin can see him. But it was too late. Jongin did see him. Jongin smiled and began to raise his hand up in a wave but Kyungsoo breezed past him, feet shuffling and zigzagging through the crowded hallway. Kyungsoo didn't bother to look back and check if the look of disappointment and hurt he saw on Jongin's face in that split second out of the corner of his eyes was just his imagination. After that, Jongin tried a few more times but Kyungsoo, each time, stood his ground. He pretended to either not see, or be too busy. By the end of the week, Jongin has given up the same way he has given up in 8th grade after Kyungsoo decided he doesn't want to deal with complicated feelings at thirteen.

So Kyungsoo is surprised, to say the least, to find Jongin in front of him now, bright eyed and smiling.

"About what?" Kyungsoo carefully asks as he begins putting away his things back into his bag. He's not nervous but he is apprehensive. He feels out of his element here and that is admittedly one of the worst feelings Kyungsoo has ever felt.

Jongin looks at him, hesitates, bites his lips and then looks around. Kyungsoo looks around too and that's when he feels the eyes on him, most of which looks the other way when he pans his gaze around. Kyungsoo swallows the budding nervousness lodging itself in his throat at the attention. How long have they been looking?

"Actually, can we talk somewhere else?" Jongin is no stranger to attention. It follows him naturally wherever he goes. Kyungsoo is now a little more than worried. To approach him and then to ask him to talk somewhere else means this might be a little bit too serious even for him. Kyungsoo chooses the option of the public safety net. Maybe Jongin will be deterred.

"Why not talk here?" Kyungsoo asks with as much bravado as he can muster as he zips his bag up and pops the last piece of tofu nugget into his mouth. Just in case he needs to run.

Jongin still hesitates but the small smile on his lips is still there and that gives Kyungsoo a small bit of comfort, somehow. "Okay, if you say so." But he doesn't continue. Instead, he pulls out an envelope from his back pocket and lays it down on the table for Kyungsoo to see.

The envelope is baby blue, with a thin brown rope lining the edges around each side. In one corner is a lineart of a baby seal with a red ball perched on top of it's nose. Kyungsoo picked that envelope for Jongin's letter because it reminded him of summer out in the sun, running among trees under the harsh afternoon sunlight and developing an uneven tan. Jongin has always been naturally tan, of course, and Kyungsoo thought then that he looked extra special because he didn't look pastey white like most Koreans do. So Kyungsoo thought this baby blue envelo-

Wait.

No.

Kyungsoo's eyes widen the size of his choco chip cookie and stares at the envelope beside his lunch tray. That's- no- it's not- but that's his handwriting but-

How?

Kyungsoo feels a sudden tightness in his chest, like a huge fist closing around his lungs in a tight grip, a feeling so close to panic that he takes a huge gulp of air only to promptly choke on the tofu-chicken nugget he was chewing, a huge chunk of it going down unexpectedly. Kyungsoo starts coughing violently.

Jongin springs to his feet immediately, heading straight for the service water by the door. Kyungsoo dimly registers that all eyes in the cafeteria are now back on him as he hacks and coughs violently, and none of them are even trying to hide it anymore. He reaches for his unfinished apple juice carton and takes a sip but it does him no good. The strawed juice drink is barely a gulp's worth.

Thankfully, Jongin is back in a second, taking the seat occupied by Kyungsoo's backpack beside him. He brought two tall glasses of water almost filled to the brim. He gives Kyungsoo one glass and places the other on the table, his right hand immediately going to stroke Kyungsoo's back in a soothing matter, his touch light but with enough pressure that Kyungsoo feels his fingers gliding across his shirt. If his face heats up, Kyungsoo doesn't know because he's already full-on red in the face with all the coughing and heaving.

Kyungsoo takes huge gulp-fulls of water, feeling the chunk of nugget finally going down slowly with each swallow. It's a little bit painful. There's a burn in his chest along his pipes. His eyes have watered considerably too and he could feel tears pooling along the corners. He finishes the first glass just as Jongin hands him the second one. The hand on his back is still there and despite the many eyes still looking and the strange twist in his chest that he knows is different from the burn of the offending nugget, Kyungsoo appreciates the warm weight comforting him with slow gentle strokes. It's only when Kyungsoo finishes the second glass that Jongin speaks again.

"Feeling better?" Jongin's voice is as soft as ever, worry lacing his words. Kyungsoo feels his cheeks warming, realizing that they're seated too close. Jongin is facing him in an almost loose embrace, an arm wound around his back, a hand stroking along his spine in circles, face leveled down with concern. Kyungsoo knows what this looks like to the many eyes around them. His ears redden but they also pick up the growing whispers.

Kyungsoo looks at the baby blue envelope on the table, glares at it for a second before grabbing it, standing up as he reaches to grab his backpack too, belatedly realizing that Jongin is currently sitting down on the chair where he put it. Kyungsoo just ends up grabbing Jongin by the arm, the firm muscled flesh beneath his fingertips warm to his touch.

"Bring my backpack. We'll talk somewhere else," Kyungsoo hurries out, dragging the arm in his grip as he makes to walk towards the door and escape the curious eyes on them. Jongin obeys behind him, shouldering his backpack and scrambling to follow him. Kyungsoo hopes to lose the attention when they walk through the cafeteria door.

They almost make it but a few steps away from freedom, three tables away to be exact, Kyungsoo spots Miyeon walking towards them, green envelope in her hand. Both Kyungsoo's heart and steps falter for a split second and Jongin bumps into him from behind. But Kyungsoo's brain overcomes the glitch, powers through and continues, hoping to get to the door before Miyeon gets to them-

"Kyungsoo!"

Before, that sweet voice would have made Kyungsoo's heart flutter from the attention but right now, he has a whole 183 cm worth of attractive in his grip trailing behind him like an obedient puppy and Kyungsoo couldn't honestly care less. He can deal with Miyeon later. That one's been locked and forgotten. This one still haunts him on a regular basis.

"Kyungsoo!"

Kyungsoo doesn't slow down. He did, however, slide his hold down Jongin's arm to the other's hand, his fingers fitting themselves between Jongin's own. Behind him, Kyungsoo hears the murmurs grow louder and in front of him, Miyeon stops in her tracks.

But Kyungsoo doesn't care, finally reaching the big red door and pushing through it.

Because in that moment, Kyungsoo knows for sure, that Jongin squeezed his hand as they passed by Miyeon, their interlocked fingers swinging between them.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo likes quiet places but he hates libraries. They're _too_ quiet. He always gets sleepy the moment he steps inside. It might have something to do with the fact that libraries are almost always well ventilated and that everyone is busy and quiet, minding their own business. It's the perfect place to fall asleep. But Kyungsoo knows it also has something to do with the smell of old books, that distinct scent of paper yellowed through time. Adler High has already started transitioning to newer editions, the old ones kept in boxes in a storage room on the rooftop, but the sweet and musky smell of old books still linger in the air and none of the librarians seem to mind.

When Kyungsoo was younger, he remembers his mother reading him old Korean folk stories to sleep. Kyungsoo's favorite was the one with the two brothers, Nolbu and Heungbu. He always imagined he was the good brother and Seungsoo was the greedy one. As a result, he liked chasing birds as a child, hoping to catch one with a broken wing so he could nurse it back to health and get his gourd filled with gold. His mother knew he loved that story and it was always a repeat during bedtime. It's one of Kyungsoo's few vivid memories of his mother. Perhaps, since then, he's always associated the smell of books with being comfortable and eventually falling asleep.

Right now, however, there is no time for sleeping. Sleep is the furthest thing in Kyungsoo's mind as he leads Jongin through the bookshelves, across the general section and through the room. There, at the very end, nestled between a model of the Earth and a poster of the world map are a few reading tables that almost no one uses because the light bulb has began to dim out last term and the custodian has not replaced it yet over the summer. Kyungsoo may dislike the library but he does go here to take short naps.

He sits down on a table, feeling fatigued all of a sudden, remnants of the adrenaline from lunch still lingering in his system. Jongin places his backpack on the chair beside him and goes around the table to sit across from him. He folds his hands on top of the table in front. Kyungsoo's eyes follow the movement and he flushes, heat creeping up his neck. He was just holding that hand awhile ago.

They held hands across the hallway for a good 3 classrooms long until Kyungsoo noticed that people loitering by their lockers were staring too. Kyungsoo loosened his hold first and Jongin followed suit.

"So…" Jongin starts.

"So…" Kyungsoo parrots back. This draws a smile back on Jongin's face and Kyungsoo laughs. "That happened, huh?"

"Yeah," Jongin leans forward. Kyungsoo doesn't lean back this time. "About that letter," a pause as Jongin bites his lip, that look of uncertainty back on his face. The light is dim but Kyungsoo can see that Jongin's eyes are still as bright as they were back in the cafeteria, even without the sunlight reflecting against them. Kyungsoo stares head on. "I know it wasn't recent."

Oh.

"I mean, I can see that the handwriting is a bit different from how you write now," Jongin explains. Kyungsoo honestly didn't think he'd notice. "I helped Mrs. Dervil with some light checking last year and I saw your composition notebook. Well, I didn't read through anything, in case you were wondering. But I was writing the grade breakdown on the inside flap for her and yeah, I saw yours and flipped through the pages a bit. You've got nice and clean handwriting. So, yeah."

Kyungsoo preens at the compliment and the fact that Jongin was interested enough in his composition notebook to leaf through it in the first place.

"Anyway I- I got that letter in the mail this morning… well, my mom got the letter then she handed it to me. She was kinda amazed that it got to us in the first place because my name was written in hangul. Although, our address was written in block letters so there's that, I guess." Jongin breathes. "I read through the first page and I wanted to stop reading, I swear I did, because it feels a little too… personal? Like a page out of one of my old diaries. But then you mentioned my eyes and how- how you thought they were the prettiest eyes you've ever seen and I just- I wanted to know more," Jongin chuckles, ducking his head, a light dusting of red appearing on his cheeks. Kyungsoo may be blind as a bat sometimes and the light is a bit dim but he sees it nonetheless. "I ended up reading the whole thing in the car. Thrice."

Kyungsoo's eyebrows raise at this information, trying to remember half of the things he said in that letter, "All of it?"

"All five pages of it," Jongin confirms, a shy smile blooming on his lips. He squirms in his seat, hand going up to rub at the back of his neck in nervousness. Kyungsoo has the same habit. "Look, Kyungsoo, I- I know you probably wrote that letter years ago. You mentioned summer so I thought it must have been that summer before I started school here and-" Jongin looks pained as he says, "-and I don't know what happened that summer, why you just suddenly started ignoring me but reading that letter now… hyung-" a pause, an intake of air and a sigh, "I wasn't going to ask this. I just wanted to give the letter back to you but hyung," Jongin looks back up at him then, with the same clear eyes Kyungsoo remembers that August afternoon in his basement and Kyungsoo feels his heart thump loudly in his ears. Jongin calling him 'hyung' isn't helping. "Hyung, did you like me back then?"

Did he?

Kyungsoo supposes the simple answer to that is that… he doesn't know.

That summer years ago was important to Kyungsoo, just as every summer after his mother's death has been important to him. He's met and liked a different person each summer, writing them a love letter of goodbye before autumn rolls around the corner. Kyungsoo's mother has passed away in the cusp of summer and autumn, just as the leaves on the trees in their backyard began to turn the colors of brown and orange. He remembers thinking back then that autumn is a time to say goodbye to the joys of summer. Maybe, that played a part as to why he treasured each summer after but is always ready to say goodbye by autumn. Feelings are fleeting, Kyungsoo thinks. And they're better off written down on paper and sealed away where they're nothing but a pleasant memory.

But it's the middle of autumn now and the letters, all of Kyungsoo's summers, have somehow made their way out. Kyungsoo has an inkling as to who might be responsible but he doesn't want to worry about that now. Now, Kyungsoo has Jongin Kim in front of him, smile small and hesitant but a little bit expectant.

Did Kyungsoo like Jongin that many summers ago? Probably. Possibly. Maybe.

Is Kyungsoo ready to admit that he may be, just a little bit, anything other than totally straight? Yes. No. Not yet.

Kyungsoo refuses to think of the technicalities of this sudden admittance to himself. He refuses to pay attention to the steady thrum of slight panic under his skin, to the continuous buzz of static ringing in his ears like he would feel when he's watching a good horror movie. This isn't horror though and this is certainly no movie. This is four years of compartmentalization unraveling in front of the very person who started it all.

(Although, Kyungsoo supposes Tom Cruise played a part in it too.)

"If you really read the letter, I might have mentioned that afternoon down in our basement. Do you remember?" Kyungsoo knows Jongin remembers because the younger's cheeks color a shade of pink again, a total copy of Kyungsoo's own. "I think I might have mentioned how I wanted to- how I wanted to-" Kyungsoo bites his lips. Oh fuck it, "-I wanted to kiss you then."

"You did," Jongin nods slowly, eyes downcast as he fiddles with his fingernails. "Page 4, 2nd paragraph from the top."

Kyungsoo doesn't stop the soft laughter that spills from his lips at that oddly specific answer. Jongin ends up looking at him at the sound, a small smile of his own on his lips. Jongin started out looking bright and positive at the cafeteria; excited, almost. But now he looks just as unsure and out of balance as Kyungsoo feels. He said he was just planning on giving back the letter because it felt too personal for him to keep. And the conversation might have started that way but things really didn't turn out all that simple. Well, it doesn't really matter anymore though. Because what matters is now, not Kyungsoo's letter from four years ago.

Does Kyungsoo like Jongin now? Honestly, Kyungsoo doesn't know, but if his heart gets a say, the answer might be a yes. But there's so much to unpack here, so much to unravel from the tight spool he's kept churning in his mind all these years that Kyungsoo feels this may all be a little bit premature. And he can't just sit down in his desk tonight and exhaust his feelings down on paper until they don't overwhelm him anymore. He's already done that for Jongin and it didn't really work out all that well. Kyungsoo's curiosity still followed him all through out middle school and straight to high school. Jongin Kim was always an unfinished story for Kyungsoo, it seems.

"Look, Jongin, you already know that I wrote that letter years ago," Kyungsoo starts out slowly. This isn't pen and paper. He can't just erase his words or take them back if he thinks they don't sound right. "You're right. I did write that back then and yeah, you already know how that went. I'm not, I mean- I was an ass to you in 8th grade and we never really talked since. That was all me. That was my fault. This is four years too late but- Jongin, I'm really sorry."

Kyungsoo is the brother who doesn't bullshit his words and yet here he is, struggling to really get his point across. He has a lot of things he wants to say but his thoughts are running around his head in circles and he's scared to say the wrong thing.

"I know, hyung. You don't need to explain," Jongin says in that same soft, low voice, the one that cocoons them in their own personal bubble. He looks a bit more comfortable now but Kyungsoo still see traces of nervousness in the way he's still picking at his nails. Kyungsoo wants to reach out and hold his hands again to calm him down, and maybe, to also calm himself down. But Kyungsoo doesn't. He clenches his hands into fist under the table. "I may have hated you for a little bit back then but I grew out of it. I was confused and new and I didn't really knew anyone other than you and Baekhyun hyung. I thought I must have done something wrong-"

"-you didn't-"

"-but now I know I didn't. Hyung, if you just told me then-" Jongin cuts himself off and shakes his head with a wry smile, his hair flopping around against his forehead from the slightest of shakes. "Nah, it wouldn't have worked out. That time I also… I was also just discovering things and I wasn't so sure too."

"I'm not sure now," Kyungsoo interjects with a lift of his shoulders. He really isn't. He needs to think about this more. This is all too much for one afternoon and honestly, Kyungsoo is just about ready to flop down under his covers and hibernate for at least 10 years. Well, not before he murders Hyunsoo anyway.

"Not sure… and yet you just walked through a crowded cafeteria and half the main hallway holding hands with one of the few out gay guys in school," Jongin says, pointing to himself. "I'm pretty sure the whole school must have heard by now. I mean, Baekhyun hyung? He was standing right outside the doorway when we walked out. You know how gossip travels around here."

"I meant, I'm not sure but-" Kyungsoo exhales and swallows the lead lodged in his throat. He's successfully ignored his own questions and doubts by choosing to focus on the present. And while he has let himself wonder on occasion, when he's nestled deep in an auditorium seat and watching Jongin up on stage, he has always rationalized it as plain curiosity. But now, faced with the question out loud, he has no option but to answer as truthfully as he can. Jongin deserves that much, he thinks. "-but only because I've never had an opportunity to be sure. I mean, I was curious. I was always curious. You've made me curious but it's always been just that - curiosity."

Kyungsoo let's out a sigh of relief at having admitted that out loud. Years and that's the best he can do. This isn't him. He's made Hyunsoo cry once for bluntly telling him he has no artistic talent when the younger was going through his painter phase. This isn't Kyungsoo. But at the same time, it is a version of him, a part of him that keeps him from being him. Seungsoo's words replay in his head, _'You'll do great'_. No, Kyungsoo isn't doing great. Not at all.

Jongin must have sensed his distress because he leans over again, arms resting on the table, the look in his eyes suddenly serious. "Hyung, if you want, I can spread the word around that what happened during lunch meant nothing. I mean, it was nothing. Or it wasn't- I don't know but- we were just holding hands, granted we had our fingers intertwined, but what I mean to say is that- if you're really not sure yet, you don't need the whole school assuming," the smile on Jongin's face has turned gentle and it helped fizzle the panic under Kyungsoo's skin. "The first few weeks after I came out last year, things weren't exactly smooth sailing. There weren't any bullying but there were whispers and stares. Not all of them were bad but the ones that were… they get to you, you know?" Jongin is looking at him across the table with those clear clear eyes again and like the other times, Kyungsoo can't look away. He feels both thankful and relieved that Jongin understands because he's gone through it himself. "I can't promise that it will all go away because they don't really do but the least I could do is help you. I do feel sort of responsible for what happened back there-"

"Jongin, no, don't. This isn't anyone's fault," Kyungsoo cuts and leans in, hands making an appearance from below the table and settling down on top (if Kyungsoo reaches an inch further, he can grab Jongin's hand but of course, he doesn't). The last thing Kyungsoo wants is for Jongin to feel guilty. Sure, he didn't expect his one time in the cafeteria to turn into an impromptu revelation but it's not anyone's fault. "If anything, I'm actually glad you're here with me."

"Yeah?" Jongin smiles back at him and the urge to hold his hand grows stronger.

"Yeah," Kyungsoo affirms. He retracts his fingers, curls them inwards, just to be safe.

"Well, in that case. I can help you, if you want?"

"I don't think there's anything we can do at this point though. You said it yourself. Word travels fast-"

"No, hyung, I meant, help you with your- your-" Jongin bites his lips hesitantly, looks at him with uncertain eyes and Kyungsoo doesn't know how but he feels the shift in the air and then, "I meant I can help you with your curiosity, if you want."

Oh.

Oh.

Help with _that_.

Well.

Shit.

Kyungsoo flushes from head to toe, feeling warm all over. If he looks at himself in a mirror now, he's sure he'll be as red as a tomato. His face feels hot and he might start sweating soon. Jongin must have noticed because the younger's eyes widen when he realizes the implications of what he said.

"Oh no no no! I mean, not like _that_ -" Jongin's eyes look panicked, hands coming up to gesture wildly that Kyungsoo got it wrong. Kyungsoo doesn't know if he should be relieved or disappointed or hurt or embarrassed but he settles with relieved and hopes the disappointment doesn't show on his face. "I meant like, help you realize, as in answer your questions and- I don't know," Jongin laughs nervously. Kyungsoo is slightly happy to see that Jongin's cheeks are tinged pink, at least. Small victories. "It's just that- Yixing and I, we just broke up. I'm sure you've heard. That day I went with you and Hyunsoo to Hanshim. And, well… things are complicated now… but-"

Kyungsoo bristles at the mention of Jongin's cheating ex. He doesn't know why but that first day in study hall, when Baekhyun told him about the breakup and the reason for it, Kyungsoo immediately felt an irrational anger in behalf of Jongin. And to this day, he still doesn't understand how anyone could ever want to cheat on the younger. He doesn't remember how the other dancer from McKinley looked like but Kyungsoo does remember thinking he looked like a noodle. He honestly thinks Jongin deserves better.

"I'm sorry, I- that must have sounded like a bad pick up line. Although, I'm not, like, totally opposed to that happening. I mean, if you want?" Jongin's ears are red now too. Kyungsoo feels the flush creeping back up his neck. "Oh but not now! But maybe, like- in the future?"

Jongin looks hopeful and Kyungsoo feels like spring has come early.

They must have turned the AC up on high because that can be the only explanation for the goosebumps that suddenly began to blossom on Kyungsoo's arms and neck. It's certainly not because of Jongin's steady gaze, his eyes as clear as they always were. There's a small tentative smile on his face that lends Kyungsoo a few more heartbeats than is necessary. Kyungsoo's face feels warm from both the attention and the flush that still lingers on his cheeks. Why Jongin always makes him feel like he's teetering off balance, Kyungsoo doesn't know. But he's not complaining.

He was just about to answer when a soft ping somewhere from Jongin pierces the silence. The younger finally breaks eye contact, shooting Kyungsoo an apologetic smile before reaching in to fish his phone from his pocket. Without Jongin's gaze on him, Kyungsoo takes the chance to breathe in, to find his center, to focus. He needs to stop overthinking things. He needs to focus on the present, on what is here-right now. This is why Kyungsoo doesn't like dealing with feelings, when they become too overwhelming. He likes control. And it's hard to control feelings when they become larger than the palm of his hand, too real for him to grasp and hold and mold into something he can rationalize. Kyungsoo looks at the boy in front of him, the high slope of his nose, the fullness of his lips. Jongin has become too present, too real for him to ignore. Kyungsoo shakes his head, a sigh escaping his lips. Before lunch, his lone worry was the half-assed paper he turned in for World Lit. Now, with lunch period almost over, not only did he discover that his letters have somehow made their way to their supposed non-recipients, he's also possibly come out to the whole school before he's even admitted it to himself. What more, Jongin Kim is here with him to witness all of it. Kyungsoo must have pissed off a minor god somewhere to have such an unlucky Monday. It can't possibly get any shittier than this.

"Just as I thought," Jongin suddenly sighs frustratedly, eyes hardening and face dimming as he thumbs through his phone. Kyungsoo feels his stomach drop. What now? "Hyung, they took pictures."

Well, that god must be really pissed off huh?

Kyungsoo takes his own phone out to check the extent of his mistakes. There are almost twenty message notifications, most of which are from Baekhyun. But there are three or four names he recognizes from group projects he did for old classes, people he hasn't talked to in a long time, asking him in varied degrees of subtlety and bluntness if he's dating Jongin Kim. Kyungsoo gulps the lead lodged in his throat only for it to settle in his stomach like a blanket of heavy coal. He's never gotten this much messages in his life. He doesn't have enough contacts in his phone to even reach this amount of unread interaction, and yet, one interaction with Jongin has lead to this.

"This is so- oh god," Jongin is still scrolling down, brows furrowed in annoyance. Kyungsoo hasn't seen Jongin this frustrated since freshman year when he sprained his ankle while performing and they had to carry him down the stage. He always had a scowl on his face whenever Kyungsoo saw him for however long he had to wear a cast and rely on his crutches. Baekhyun even told him Jongin was banned from entering the dance studio because he got caught trying to practice some steps which led to his injury getting aggravated and the school's Winter Fundraiser being postponed. Kyungsoo always thought it was probably more serious than a sprain but Baekhyun didn't have any gossip for that one so Kyungsoo never knew more. Thankfully, Jongin hasn't been injured since then. "They're already speculating if you're my new boyfriend. This one picture has 53 likes already. Oh no… this isn't- I'm really sorry, hyung."

Jongin truly looks apologetic, his eyes full of undeserved worry for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo is happy for the concern and the sincerity in Jongin's eyes but this is all Kyungsoo. Sure, Jongin played a part but Kyungsoo was the one who refused to talk somewhere else, the one who choked on a nugget, the one who took Jongin by the arm and then led him out by the hand. This is him. And he knows, somehow, unready as he is, that he needs to face this. Baby steps. Kyungsoo's always told himself he'll deal with his problems and questions when the time comes and it has. The time has come now. He's started a chain of events that has led to this moment and he needs to take responsibility. Sure, the panic is present and he feels just about ready to burrow under his blankets and never come out but he can't ignore himself any longer. Not now. Thankfully, Jongin is here, offering to help him figure things out as he goes (although not in the way Kyungsoo initially thought but who's he to complain).

"Hey, what did I tell you about apologizing? This isn't your fault," Kyungsoo repeats as he smiles, face softening at the warm look Jongin is giving him across the table. Despite the leaded weight that's settled itself in his stomach, he feels grateful that Jongin is worried, getting angry in behalf of him, the way he himself was angry when he found out about Jongin's ex-boyfriend cheating on and then dumping him. Kyungsoo always thought that was such an irrational reaction but now, he feels like he and Jongin have a shared connection, something that binds them and ties them to this moment, this-here, now-in the present, and not just something that happened in the past. It makes Kyungsoo feel grounded, somehow. It's why he uncurls the claws he's made of his fingers, stretches and extends them across the wooden surface of the table, inches them closer until they touch Jongin's hands from across him and finally-finally-wraps themselves around Jongin's own. Kyungsoo is grateful. He really is. That's the only reason why he wanted to hold Jongin's hand-to thank him, to show his appreciation and maybe, just maybe, to anchor himself to something solid. Jongin's hands are as warm as his gaze, and they feel as comforting as they did when Kyungsoo held one awhile ago. Jongin has such soft hands, soft gaze, soft voice. Kyungsoo always admired from a far, filled with curiosity. But to have Jongin up close like this, he becomes too real and that scares Kyungsoo more than he cares to admit. "If anything, I should be apologizing to you. I got you into this whole mess."

Jongin is looking at their hands, and there's a small smile playing on his lips as he says, "Alright, how about we just agree that we got each other into this whole misunderstanding? This is both you and me. So I think we're pretty even."

"You're persistent, aren't you?" Kyungsoo squeezes Jongin's hands and sees the smile on the younger's lips bloom wider across his face. "Fine. Let's settle it at that."

Kyungsoo is amazed at how something as simple as holding someone's hands can make him feel so much. He always thought it was an exaggeration in movies, how huge of a deal they make holding hands is; or even when the leads touch accidentally and the camera pans around them in 360 degrees with long close up shots to highlight the wide eyes and the rosy cheeks. It always looked cartoonish, somehow, but Kyungsoo chalked it up to movie theatrics. They needed to sell the realization of feelings and translate it to the screen. He's watched enough to know and enjoy analyzing the details, the nuances, the technicalities. Kyungsoo wants to work in the film industry one day, behind the scenes, making movies of his own.

Today, however, Kyungsoo realizes not all theatrics are exaggerations. Back there at the cafeteria, holding Jongin's hand was just a split-second decision to hurry out and away from the questioning gazes. It seemed right then, to grab Jongin's hand and lead him away. The perfect slot of their fingers through each other gave Kyungsoo that push to power through, to hold his head up high and brave through the whispers and the stares. And right now, holding Jongin's hands again, both of them this time, Kyungsoo feels the fizzling static of panic under his skin subsiding, and in its stead is calmness. The unanswered messages in his phone, the pictures, the students who's liked them and started to speculate and ask questions-they're all there but in this moment, Kyungsoo feels alright. He'll worry about the rest of the world later.

When they part ways five minutes before the bell rings, Kyungsoo's backpack hiked up on both shoulders and his phone turned off in his pocket, Jongin gave him a tiny wave goodbye along with his number. Kyungsoo left with a pleasant tingle in his chest.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo has Sociology for 5th period, his last of the day. He wanted to take World History because he heard the class usually takes a trip down to Stepford to visit the Lincoln-Liberty Museum for a class project. Kyungsoo has no particular interest in things found through digging around dirt but he hasn't been to Stepford and he's seen pictures, plenty of beautiful pictures. Stepford probably has one of the most picturesque lake during autumn, with evergreens a stone's throw away from the bank, overlooking the serene crystal clear water of Lake Willoughbee. There are October Glory maples off to the side where the water peters off to a small stream and around the corner of a hill covered in thick dense trees. Kyungsoo wanted to spend a whole day there just taking photos upon photos. But as it turned out, the trip this year was cancelled due to a student from last year getting injured after he broke off from the class. Since that was essentially what Kyungsoo was planning to do, he guessed it was a sign that Stepford was a bad idea. So with World History out of the question, Kyungsoo was advised to take Sociology as a filler class for credits. It was either Sociology or Medieval History. Kyungsoo chose the option that doesn't require him memorizing names of of dead kings and how many wives they wed. So far, Sociology and him are getting along just fine.

They are still learning theories today which is interesting enough for Kyungsoo to pay attention to. They've covered the basic Structural Functionalism and Conflict theories last week and are getting started on a new theory today but it's hard to concentrate when the first thing someone said to him the minute he stepped inside was, "So you fucking James now?" Kyungsoo was taken aback, to say the least. He has never spoken to Yasmin before and for a second, he blanked out on who James was since Kyungsoo has always referred to Jongin in his Korean name, never his English name. The 'no' was stuck in his throat until he managed to laugh and shrug her off, stepping through curious bystanders to go sit in his usual spot by the window. He hopes his "I don't think that's any of your business", made it clear that he wasn't interested in sharing any details. He might have also been scowling, eyes squinting in an almost glare at her when he said it since he usually takes his glasses off in-between classes. Baekhyun likes to call it his 'warding off evil' look. And while it clearly didn't work on Baekhyun, seeing as how they're still friends, Kyungsoo can only hope it worked on the handful of students near enough to hear him tell Yasmin off.

As the class went on, however, Kyungsoo sees a few students turning their heads to sneak looks at him, whispering among themselves in hushed voices in what they probably assume was subtle gossiping. Surprisingly, Kyungsoo doesn't find the attention as unnerving as it was back in the cafeteria during lunch. It might have something to do with the fact that Jongin isn't presently in close proximity to him and therefore he is able to think more clearly, his mind not a jumbled mess of emotions and questions. Kyungsoo decides to tune the whispers out, instead focusing on Mead and Blumer's contribution to Symbolic Interactionism but it doesn't work. He's reading the slides and hearing the words but in his mind's eye, he's replaying the events of lunch in his head like some badly written comedic skit without the punchline (with a sprinkle of awkwardly placed romance).

Eventually, between Dramaturgical Analysis of Social Interaction and theory criticisms, the stares stop and the whispers become too soft for Kyungsoo to speculate and think if they're still talking about him. Kyungsoo basks in the short lull of lost attention, knowing that it will pick back up again after class. High school is like that. If there's anything Kyungsoo has learned from being friends with good ol' gossipy Baekhyun, it's that the attention span of high school students have certain timely caps. At first, it's all they'll ever talk about, everything right down to the most insignificant details. And when the truth does not satisfy their need for gossip anymore, they'll start making up and spreading their own. When they've exhausted even the false and the hearsay, they'll begin revisiting the truths and twisting them into fantasies until there's nothing left for them to talk about and they slowly lose interest. In between all of this are small periods of silence, when people seemingly forget that it happened in the first place or that it is still currently happening. Baekhyun loves those breaks in-between because he gets to remind people with a 'Remember when…' and then tell the story all over again like it's fresh news until people forget again and move on. Rinse, repeat. Of course, none is ever truly forgotten. The moment something happens, immortalized through sns and uploaded for everyone to see, it never really goes away. Even with rumors, false as some may be, the mere thought and suggestion they bring sticks to memory. One never really escapes it. That's why when Jongin suggested his countermeasure, Kyungsoo knows it will be a futile attempt at best. It's already happened. There are blurry pictures in portrait mode spreading around everyone's pockets. Kyungsoo knows the interest has everything to do with who Jongin is – front-liner of the school's dance crew, high school heartthrob for girls and boys alike-and the fact that he was recently involved in a nasty break up only makes the news' gossip rise in value. Even if the rumor spreading around is false, Jongin and him have rekindled their friendship and that means conversations in school. Even if they deny it, people will still wonder. There really is no point, nor way, to run away. Since Kyungsoo is already here, he might as well start getting used to disproportionate and unwarranted attention. He doesn't have to like it, but he'll have to live with it.

Thinking about it like this, Kyungsoo knows it sounds a little bit over the top, like he's heading off to war in his proverbial army fatigues, reluctantly but surely marching to battle; and maybe when he's older and balding he'll look back to this day and laugh at how silly he was being but in this moment, standing just before the blurred lines of sexual identities, Kyungsoo feels a huge weight settle down on his shoulders, the kind that only exists for those his age, when the problem seems so small against the context of the world and yet feels so much larger than life in the mind of a teen. Kyungsoo has watched movies with gay characters, movies where some question their sexuality, some where they try to fit in into their own skin and yet still feel alien in their own homes. Kyungsoo has had references, but now that he's faced with his own demons, he knows his experience is his own.

This is his story. The unknown future scares him but he at least wants to face it prepared. Baby steps, Kyungsoo repeats in his head. _'You'll do great.'_

 

\--

 

Hyunsoo was 5 years old when their mother died. Kyungsoo doesn't remember much about that day and their father doesn't talk about it, for which Kyungsoo understands. Seungsoo doesn't like talking about it either but he once told Kyungsoo what he remembers one night after getting high on sugar, bags of marshmallow and graham crackers emptied by their pitched tent in the backyard. Hyunsoo was already sleeping inside the haphazardly built tent, sprawled spread-eagle in his boxers and his favorite thin Aquaman shirt. He ate half a bag of twizzlers before he passed out. Hyunsoo has already become immune to sugar at such a young age. It was slightly worrying but none of them dared reprimand him. Seungsoo and Kyungsoo always let Hyunsoo get away with almost anything.

It was summer, the third summer after their mother passed away. They were camping in the safe confines of their property, which usually just means eating loads of sweets after dinner and telling ghost stories while they look up at the sky, stars illuminating the night with the moon. Seungsoo always had the best stories. He tells them with voice changes for each character and includes sound effects and reactions. He also likes asking for audience participation which Hyunsoo loves giving while Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and reluctantly ask questions.

Kyungsoo doesn't exactly remember how they came to discuss their mother's death. They often mention her in passing but the memories shared were always the good ones, the ones that make you smile and remember her as she was - alive, happy and vibrant. But that night they were talking about ghosts, and Seungsoo was telling him a story about Korean virgin _gwishins_ in Yongin. Kyungsoo asked him what was the difference between a _gwishin_ and a _yogoe_ but Seungsoo didn't know either and promised to call grandma for him to ask the next day. It might have been Kyungsoo, or maybe it was Seungsoo, who wondered out loud if their mother could have become a _gwishin_ if she was in Korea when she died. It's funny when he thinks about it now, how they thought about death like it's bound to a place of origin, that when you die you become a part of that culture's ghost stories, to be shared by word of mouth around campfires eating smores under the summer sky.

They debated about it for a good half an hour or so, the kind of arguments young teens have when they're full of sugar and sleep won't come to them easily. Seungsoo insisted their mother wouldn't have become a _gwishin_ because there was nothing for her to regret to stay around as a ghost for. Kyungsoo was hurt by that and for a second he hated Seungsoo for saying it. Does Seungsoo think she would not regret leaving them? Would it be so easy for her to leave them behind that she wouldn't even stick around as a _gwishin_ , haunting their home? Seungsoo was silent after Kyungsoo's questions but then he smiled a gentle fatherly smile at Kyungsoo, a carbon copy of their father's own smile, right down to the loop-sided upturn of the left corner of his lips. Maybe that's how Seungsoo came to tell the story.

The way it happened, at least according to Seungsoo, was that their mother was spring cleaning. Of course it wasn't spring then, it was almost autumn and the winds have started to become chilly in the morning. It was bright outside. Seungsoo remembers because he wanted to play at the park a block away but their mother didn't let him go because all his sweaters were still in the dryer. Seungsoo said with a wry smile that he threw a small tantrum and marched to the couch to watch the morning cartoons while their mother sat on the floor looking over old magazines to bring down to the basement. The living room was a mess. There were boxes everywhere. She was moving furniture around so some of the tables and potted plants were scattered around like a maze. Then she asked him to check on the clothes in the laundry room while she went and fetch more dirty clothes upstairs. Seungsoo said he vividly remembers how careful he was to step around the knickknacks scattered like lego blocks on the floor. Just when he was taking out his sweaters out of the dryer and onto a hamper, the phone in the kitchen rings. The first few rings went by ignored until the last few seconds and Seungsoo heard the thumping footsteps of their mother hurrying down the stairs, then across the hardwood floor and then a loud crash.

Seungsoo stopped telling the story then. When Kyungsoo looked at him across the portable gas range, toasted marshmallow blackened beyond inedible in his hand, he noticed that Seungsoo's stick was shaking. He had a faraway look in his eyes and Kyungsoo asked no more.

Kyungsoo remembers bits and pieces from there on out. He remembers waking up, stomach grumbling and heading downstairs to see Seungsoo cleaning and their mother lying down on the couch, a KBS daily drama was playing on the television. Seungsoo was putting old magazines into boxes. Their potted plants where lined up against the wall and the coffee tables were pushed beside them. Kyungsoo was no stranger to their mother rearranging furniture out of nowhere but it was strange to see Seungsoo doing it. When he asked what was for breakfast, Seungsoo said to just get whatever he wants from the pantry because their mother had a headache and was sleeping. Kyungsoo ate a bag of Cheetos for breakfast that day. Their mother got up to cook lunch before noon and they all ate _jimdak_ together around the table. Kyungsoo remembers how they were teasing Hyunsoo because his face barely reached above the table, making it hard for him to eat his chicken but he wouldn't get in his high chair anymore and wanted to eat like his hyungs. After lunch, Seungsoo volunteered to do the dishes and told their mother to go rest in the living room instead. Kyungsoo thought that was odd because their mother seemed fine to him. The doctors called it her lucid interval. That afternoon, after watching a rerun of Happy Together, their mother went to lie down upstairs. She never woke up again.

Kyungsoo doesn't remember much after that. That's where the memory stops being a train of thought and feeling like a dream. But he does remember how Seungsoo looked, face drained white with a tight smile on his lips when he asked Kyungsoo to take Hyunsoo to his room and play Aquaman vs Spiderman with his action figures. Seungsoo knew Kyungsoo hated Aquaman and has no desire to have him kill Spiderman twenty times over for Hyunsoo's entertainment but there was something in Seungsoo's face then, his eyes calm and lips quivering, that told Kyungsoo he shouldn't say no. And he didn't. He spent the rest of that afternoon playing with Hyunsoo, even when he could hear sirens and voices outside, he stayed put. He let Hyunsoo kill Spiderman more than twenty times with Aquaman that day.

To this day, Kyungsoo still hates Aquaman but he never told Hyunsoo. It would break the kid's heart.

 

\--

 

Just as Kyungsoo expected, the whispers start back up again after class so before anyone can corner him, he escapes. He sees Yasmin and the new Thai girl eyeing him from the doorway but he whizzes past them before either of them can open their mouths. He rushes to his locker to take the paperback he's reading for tomorrow's class, weaves and zigzags through the students spilling into the hallway from their classrooms and sprints across the parking lot to his car-all in under 5 minutes. He's out and on the street by 1:50.

Hyunsoo has track practice until 4:30 and since it's Monday, that means he and his friends will stop by The Creamery on their way home, which means Kyungsoo can go straight home from school. Of course, Kyungsoo heads to the kitchen where his father already is, back early from the hospital. Kyungsoo goes to greet him, the delicious smell of cooking beef wafting to greet him back. There are two pans on the stove, one where his father has the ground beef browning and the other, as Kyungsoo can smell, is where the pureed garlic is now stewing in olive oil.

"What's for dinner?" Kyungsoo heads to the fridge to get his bottle of Yakult for the day. He wasn't able to drink one this morning and he forgot to bring his usual bottle to school. Usually, by this time, he'll be having his 3rd. Maybe that's why his stomach was feeling queasy all day.

"Lasagna for dinner tonight," his father says, grating the usual abnormal amount of carrots for the meat sauce. The onion has already been diced and set aside. "Want to do the white sauce?"

"Sure. Just let me change."

"Oh, right, there's a letter for you on the counter," his dad says just as he was about to turn. "It came with the bills this morning. You didn't see it?"

Kyungsoo didn't. But he does now. There, among the bills he threw on the counter this morning in his haste to get to school, is a brown envelope. One of the five. He knows the letters are out. He's seen two today, both in the hands of the people he addressed them to. But it still shakes him a little bit to see another one out here in the open, the sun shining bright outside, when all this time he's only ever seen them illuminated by the light of his desk lamp and the moonlight shining through the window. He grabs the letter and looks at the flap, 'Return to Sender'. Well, at least this one didn't get too far. It was addressed to the Film Summer Camp he attended that 3rd summer, the same one Seungsoo shared what he remembers of their mother's last day. Understandably, the letter is returned because the recipient, one of the camp counselors does not live there and is probably not even there, and possibly, doesn't even work there anymore.

Kyungsoo knows it won't be there when he checks but he still wants to see. So he heads up the stairs to his room, drops his backpack on his desk and goes to his closet. He tiptoes and grabs around on his top shelf, knowing it won't be there.

It isn't. His hat box really is gone, and along with it, all of his letters. Well, not all of them since he has two of the letters back but still, to know that they even left his box, his room, let alone this house…

Hyunsoo better have ordered his favorite mud pie ice cream flavor because it's going to be his last.

 

\--

 

Of course, Kyungsoo doesn't actually murder Hyunsoo.

It was dark when Hyunsoo arrives from practice. He's already changed, dirty clothes from this morning and his track uniform in a paper bag that he immediately takes to the hamper in the laundry room. Kyungsoo knows he'll wash it later himself after dinner. Hyunsoo knows enough about dried sweat on clothes to not allow it to stew overnight after practice. He's a responsible kid. He washes his own track uniforms, cleans his room regularly, mows the lawn every week and lately, since Seungsoo left for Korea, he's been helping do the dishes after meals. Kyungsoo supposes that's what happens when you grow up with only one parent. The three of them brothers learned to do things by themselves early because there was no one else to do it for them. Kyungsoo is part proud, part nostalgic that his younger brother seems to be growing up so fast. Soon, he'll be bringing a girlfriend (or boyfriend!) home, just like Seungsoo did and probably earlier than Kyungsoo will.

The lasagna is devoured in minutes, Hyunsoo eating most of it because he said he was hungry from practice. He went for seconds, then thirds, until their father just dumped all the remaining portions on his plate with a chuckle, probably feeling happy his dish was well received. Hyunsoo finishes it all. Kyungsoo's garlic bread wasn't as huge a hit, however. Although delicious, Kyungsoo has to admit that the bread he used was a little too hard. Maybe using the leftover old bread from last week was a bad idea. There were still four pieces left by the end of dinner that Kyungsoo cling-wrapped and kept in the fridge for tomorrow.

Since Hyunsoo's tired and their father cooked, Kyungsoo volunteered to clear the dishes, and because their father is a slob in the kitchen, Kyungsoo took close to an hour to clean everything. One of the reasons Kyungsoo prefers to cook himself is because their father always just about uses every pot and pan, chopping board and knife and at least 4 spoons when he's cooking. Kyungsoo never understood why his father needed to change knives from chopping garlic cloves to carrots and insists on transferring things into separate bowls instead of just dumping them into one pot. But of course, Kyungsoo never asked. Their father is already always stressed out from his work at the hospital, especially on Fridays when he volunteers at a small nonprofit clinic for free, that Kyungsoo nor Seungsoo never complained at the mess he always makes in the kitchen when he volunteers to cook. They took it upon themselves to do their part of the house chores and to be as little a burden as they can to their father who has done so much for them. That includes giving him free reign to the kitchen, even if it meant Seungsoo (and now Kyungsoo) has to spend extra time cleaning the aftermath. It's honestly the least they can do.

By the time Kyungsoo is done with the dishes, all scrubbed and washed by hand (in this house, no one uses the dishwasher to actually wash dishes, only to store them), Hyunsoo is already almost done with his laundry. Kyungsoo supposes there's no other time better than now so he dries his hands in the kitchen towel by the fridge and pads to the laundry room where he hears the dryer spinning monotonously- _whizwhizwhiz_. Hyunsoo is sitting down on one of the stools by the wall, reading a book he probably needs for class, a bag of his favorite chips sitting on his lap.

"Hey," Kyungsoo greets with a smile, walking in to join him at one of the empty stools. Seungsoo bought them last year because he likes to read while he does his laundry. Hyunsoo picked up the habit but Kyungsoo never did. When he does his laundry, he brings his phone with him to check his movies list and to read up on new reviews so he knows which ones are good to watch next. Sometimes, he binge watches trailers, even the ones for movies he's already seen. Seungsoo always told him he should start reading books too instead of being glued to his screens watching movies but reading was never really Kyungsoo's thing. He gets bored easily, and soon, falls asleep.

"Hey, hyung," Hyunsoo doesn't look up from his book, instead, he turns a page. He's wearing his favorite Aquaman shirt, tongue poking out of the corner of his lips as he reads, brows crunched up and eyes squinting. His legs are dangling from the stool, tall as it is, swinging back and forth as he turns another page. Hyunsoo honestly looks cute, adorable even, that Kyungsoo knows he can never commit fratricide. "Want some?"

"Sure," Kyungsoo reaches for the offered bag of Honey Butter chips. Even after the fad died, Hyunsoo still eats a bag at least once a week. Kyungsoo has to admit it does taste good. "Does dad know you're eating chips after dinner? And how are you still hungry? You already ate like half the casserole!"

"Meh, he won't get mad," Hyunsoo munches, tipping the bag into his mouth for more. Hyunsoo eats chips this way because he hates getting his fingers coated in chip grease. Seungsoo though, he eats chips with claw hands and gets oil and cheese smeared all over his mouth. Kyungsoo prefers the one chip at a time approach because it's cleaner and only dirties his thumb and index finger. Their varied methods of eating chips makes it hard to share a bag so their dad always got them separate ones when they were younger. The truth is, Kyungsoo was willing to share but he kept quiet because no boy would ever say no to his own bag of chips. "And I'm still hungry because coach made me run extra laps. Says my form was 'off'. I think he needs to start wearing glasses. Besides, hyung, I'm a growing boy!" Hyunsoo boasts, looks up at him and eyes him up and down. Kyungsoo knows what he's going to say before he even opens his mouth- "Not that you can relate but-"

"So when did you send my letters?" Kyungsoo quips casually, munching on the chips he's taken onto his palm. He pops another one in. That ought to shut Hyunsoo up for at least a second.

It shuts Hyunsoo up for at least ten. The minute Kyungsoo asked the question, realization dawns on his face and he pauses mid chew. He's still looking at Kyungsoo now, mouth still slightly agape, the color of his face has slightly gone gray. Kyungsoo wants to honestly say he's not enjoying this but he is-maybe slightly, but definitely, enjoying it. He's usually the one getting teased by Seungsoo and Hyunsoo. Might as well pay back the same courtesy.

"How- I didn't- I don't know what you-"

"Aw, Soo! C'mon, don't lie!" Kyungsoo shakes his head, feigning disappointment and even adding a few _tsk tsk tsk_ in the process. "You know what I'm talking about."

"But! How do you know I sent-" Hyunsoo blinks at him like a goldfish, finally closing his mouth to chew again. Kyungsoo snickers in his head.

"Hyunsoo, there is literally no one in this house who knows about those letters other than me. And there is only one person nosy enough to go through my stuff and that's you."

"Hyung! Hyung could have sent them?" Hyunsoo suggests but he knows it's a lost battle because he uses his maknae-voice, the one he uses when he knows he's in deep trouble. He's been watching too much Weekly Idol (now Idol Room) that Kyungsoo has a feeling that if they lived in Korea, Hyunsoo would've probably auditioned in some Kpop company and faked his way to debut. He's charming like that.

"Nice try but there's a dated stamp on the envelope after you sent them," Kyungsoo shrugs and pops another chip. Hyunsoo still looks slightly gray.

"You saw them? The envelopes?"

"One of them got sent back. Wrong address," Kyungsoo lies. It'd be too complicated to explain. He doesn't mention the letter Jongin handed back. That one will require even more explanation and Kyungsoo has no intention of discussing that one with his little brother. Kyungsoo sighs and in the most gentle voice, asks, "Hyunsoo, what were you thinking?"

Hyunsoo doesn't answer immediately. He looks really guilty, face drawn and long. He's stopped swinging his legs, stopped munching on his favorite chips. Instead, he's looking down on his lap. Kyungsoo knows he can never get too angry at Hyunsoo but he at least want some answers. He knows he's done some questionable things himself but he did them because he rationalized his actions, despite his logic being flawed. Hyunsoo would never do this without malice. He must have a reason.

"I always knew they were there," Hyunsoo begins and Kyungsoo is honestly not surprised. Hyunsoo found their father's stash of old Hustler magazines down in the basement when he was 9. None of them mentioned it ever again. "And if you're wondering if I read them, nope. Never, hyung. Never opened a single one," he clarifies, eyes imploring at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo breathes easy a little. "I just know where they were but I didn't want to mess with them, okay? They were just… there. But that day…"

"Which day?"

"First day of school. When you picked me up with Jongin hyung," Hyunsoo smiles a little tentatively at him and Kyungsoo feels his face warm up at the memory. First day was when Hyunsoo thought he and Jongin were on a date, that it was a _'som-tan'_. "You just looked really happy then, hyung! Like, you kept looking at him and you were blushing the whole time. I've never seen you so red! But then you said you two weren't a thing which was a bummer but then I thought, aha! This brilliant plan came to me in the car-" Kyungsoo knew it! Hyunsoo and quiet is never a good combination. "-and I remembered those love letters you have in mom's hat box—ugly box by the way—so I thought, what if… what if I send those letters? And one of them replies back to you and says they feel the same way? I mean, five letters are good odds, hyung, you have to admit. I'm sure one of them were bound to like you back, I mean, look at you!"

Kyungsoo has to raise his eyebrow at that. "What do you mean look at me?"

"Pft, hyung. As if you don't know. You're like, the most good looking out of us three. You may not have dad's height-" Kyungsoo scowls but Hyunsoo ignores him, "but you have these huge eyes you got from mom and you also got her heart shaped lips. And you got dad's hair and his eyebrows and like, his strong jaw. And don't look at me funny! The girls in our group who did our rocket ship here for Science Week last year? They won't shut up about you face, okay?" Hyunsoo defends himself. Kyungsoo feels his cheeks and ears redden at that. Trust Hyunsoo to lay the compliments on thick to get himself out of trouble. Of course Kyungsoo knows about Hyunsoo's classmates last year. And of course he knew the two girls he was talking about. He doesn't remember their names but they kept bringing him a cupcake whenever the group came by to work on their project, giggling and elbowing each other then dashing to the backyard where the others are. Kyungsoo always kept the cupcake in the fridge for Hyunsoo. "So I thought, since you won't do it yourself, I should help you get your game on!"

His what?

"My what? Hyunsoo, where do you get these terms from?"

"Baekhyun hyung?"

"Stop talking to that idiot!" Kyungsoo huffs, crossing his arms across his chest, all chips gone. Kyungsoo can't help but shake his head. When Baekhyun comes over, all he does is eat half their snacks in the pantry, empty their leftover stew from the night before, play chess with his dad and teach Hyunsoo meaningless things. He needs to have a word with him. But now he needs to focus on the culprit in front of him. "Hyunsoo, look, I appreciate the thought and I understand your intention but there's a reason I didn't send those letters. They were just for me to read. But now they aren't. Those letters were personal, Soo."

Hyunsoo suddenly looks sullen like he's about to cry. He's biting his lip, face scrunched up, eyes sad and moist. Kyungsoo's heart clenches painfully and he immediately reaches over and pats Hyunsoo's knee. Hyunsoo always does cry easily and even if Hyunsoo is in the wrong here, Kyungsoo can't help but feel bad.

"Are you mad at me, hyung?" Hyunsoo asks, voice with a slight quiver, eyes still downcast.

"No," Kyungsoo answers simply. "You know I can never be mad at you, Hyunsoo."

"Really?"

"Really. Even though what you did was pretty fucked up," Kyungsoo says bluntly with a shrug, smiling at the scandalized look on Hyunsoo's face.

"Hyung… language," Hyunsoo still manages to reprimand him to which Kyungsoo chuckles, earning a small smile from the younger, who starts chuckling softly too. Kyungsoo hates it when Hyunsoo cries because his face looks like crumpled paper and Hyunsoo always looks best smiling.

"What? Sooner or later, you'll start swearing too. Middle school is the perfect time to learn it," Kyungsoo reaches over to grab Hyunsoo's bag of chips. Any other day, Hyunsoo would have fought him toot and nail for it but today he just looks on with an impish smile. Kyungsoo knows he still feels guilty. "Hyunsoo, I'm really not mad. Maybe I was upset when I found out but I'm not now. So quit with that sad puppy face, yeah?"

"Hyung, I'm sorry. I really am," Hyunsoo still apologizes because that's how Hyunsoo is. He would never let an issue go as long as he still feels there's more to be said. Kyungsoo usually just let's things go after the initial confrontation, and better yet if there isn't one in the first place. "I just want you to be happy. Hyung talked to me before he left. He said to make sure you have fun this year and not let you hermit yourself up in your room all day."

This is news to Kyungsoo. He feels the heat from earlier move from his face and slither down to wrap itself around his heart. They may not be that affectionate with each other, but they truly do care and look out for one another. Kyungsoo swallows the feelings in his throat. He came here to scold Hyunsoo, damn it!

"That's… you really didn't have to."

"You saw how Seungsoo hyung was always happy with noona. And how sad he got when they broke up. I thought, if you got yourself a girlfriend, you'd be happy too, like how happy you were that day, even if it isn't with Jongin hyung."

That makes Kyungsoo stop a little. Hyunsoo said he didn't read the letters, but did he not see that one of the letters was addressed to Jongin?

"Hyunsoo, first of all, that's too dramatic, even for you. Stop watching MBC family dramas. Second, how did you send them? The letters?"

"I bought some stamps from the post office? And posted them? Why?"

"You couldn't read the names, could you?"

Hyunsoo has the gall to look slightly offended but then he concedes and admits with a sheepish smile, "I haven't been keeping up with my hangul… You know how track is… Please don't tell dad?" he pleads, then asks, "Wait, why? Who were the letters addressed to?"

"Okay! Interview's over! You're forgiven, kiddo, but no more rummaging in my stuff and no more sending letters," Kyungsoo says all in one breath while Hyunsoo looks on with narrowed eyes. Kyungsoo can practically hear the gears turning in Hyunsoo's head but Kyungsoo ignores him and hops off the stool, heading outside to the kitchen. But he pauses at the threshold for a second and looks back. Hyunsoo is already standing by the dryer. The whizzing sound has stopped. "Hey Soo?"

Hyunsoo looks up at him, "Yeah?"

"Thanks," Kyungsoo smiles. Hyunsoo smiles back.

When Kyungsoo gets to his room, he turns his phone on and sends Seungsoo a message in their private katalk.

_> > Hey, hyung. When can we talk? I need to tell you something._

He goes on to save the number Jongin gave him and then deletes the messages from the nosy people from earlier. He ignores Baekhyun's numerous chats, thinking it's best to let him suffer for a little while. Baekhyun can grill him tomorrow all he wants but Kyungsoo's not telling him anything, unless he wants the whole world to know by 2nd period, which Kyungsoo definitely doesn't.

Before he tosses his phone on his desk, he hesitates on Jongin's name. For a second he was tempted to send a message but what will he say? Thank you? He already thanked him awhile ago. Thanking him again tonight might come off weird. Plus, it would tell Jongin that Kyungsoo was thinking of him which is something he needs to be careful of. Jongin offered to teach, be a mentor, answer his questions. Kyungsoo needs to remember that and stay on his lane. He'll message him tomorrow.

To fight the urge, he turns his phone back off and chucks it in his backpack, then he dives on his bed face down, kicks his shoes off and burrows himself under his blanket. He's going to take a nap before starting on his paperback for reading class tomorrow. It's been a long day.

Kyungsoo promptly falls asleep.

 

\--

 

On his way to school, Kyungsoo almost forgets that he's currently in the middle of the hottest school gossip. Almost, being the keyword because as soon as he turns his phone on before exiting the car, it pings non-stop with new messages from Baekhyun. Once again, he opts to ignore him. They can talk later.

Kyungsoo tries to psych himself up before leaving his car, knowing today is the first full day of the rest of his life. He doesn't know how much the rumor has evolved overnight. If he's lucky, not many people would have found it interesting and yesterday was the brunt of it. If he's not lucky, however, he'll have to endure a week or two of yesterday, constant whispering and stares, all of which Kyungsoo has no particular desire to be the subject of. On second thought, maybe he really ought to talk to Baekhyun, just to keep himself sane. He's the only friend he can remotely trust. Well, as much as one can trust Baekhyun, that is. In Baekhyun's defense, he hasn't told anyone about Kyungsoo's slight interest in Jongin after all these years so there's that.

Oh right! Jongin! Baekhyun isn't his only friend now. Although, Kyungsoo isn't exactly sure if he's back to being Jongin's friend but at least they're talking again. That's a good first step to friendship, Kyungsoo thinks. And Jongin said he'll help him through this which is more than Kyungsoo deserves, in his opinion. Especially after how poorly he's handled his friendship with Jongin since that summer. A second chance right now is more than enough.

Kyungsoo takes his phone out again to send Jongin the message he chickened out of sending last night. He's not much of a texter or an sns kind of guy. He prefers face to face conversations, or none at all. He still doesn't know what to say so he sits there for a good minute or so, just thinking. He wants to talk to Jongin again (and maybe see him smile at him again). Just the mere thought of Jongin's crescent moon eyes and warm smile makes Kyungsoo smile too. But Kyungsoo knows that if people saw him with Jongin in school, the rumors will only intensify tenfold. Kyungsoo didn't think of that before. That now that he and Jongin have 'reconnected' (per Seungsoo's term), that he's offered to help Kyungsoo, they will have to talk to each other in school regularly. If they were truly gonna be friends, they need to act as friends. But if they do, the rumor will never die out. Kyungsoo sighs into his steering wheel. Maybe Jongin is right, maybe they really do need to clear things up. And if people don't believe them, then there's nothing they can do about it.

He was just typing a quick message to Jongin-just a short hello, no overthinking-knowing that the bell is going to ring any minute and he's still in his car. But then he looks up just as he clicks send, and sees Jongin a few feet away by the side of building, the same place he almost hit him that first day. He isn't alone today, however, and he certainly does not look lost. Yixing is with him and they seem to be arguing. Kyungsoo ignores the pinch of jealousy that sparks in his gut at the sight of them standing close to each other. There's no reason to be. They're just talking. It's nothing.

Kyungsoo knows he shouldn't but he's curious. Jongin is gesturing with his hands while Yixing is just standing there looking at him calmly. Jongin looks agitated, exasperated. His soft hair is flopping across his forehead as he moves. Yixing is shaking his head at him and Jongin heaves a big sigh, clearly angry.

Kyungsoo really shouldn't be watching this. It looks like a couple's fight, which it technically is. He ignores the pinch again and opens the door and steps out, shouldering his backpack and hoping Jongin doesn't see him. He speeds-walk across the parking lot but just before he starts up the steps to door, he chances a look, just a peek as he walks up the stairs, and he sees Jongin pulling out his phone from his pocket and smiling at what he sees on the screen. Yixing is still taking but Jongin is already typing.

Kyungsoo would like to think that was his message Jongin was reading. But he knows that is just wishful thinking. However, his phone pings in his pocket when he reaches his locker a few moments later. It's from Jongin.

_> > hey hyung good morn! just saw u dashing thru d lot. hu u running from ;)_

Shit. But at the same time, Ha! Kyungsoo's heart does a happy skip in his chest. So Jongin was reading his katalk!

Kyungsoo goes to World Lit with a spring in his steps and a rare smile on his face. He doesn't even notice the stares and whispers that follow him down the hall.

 

\--

 

Baekhyun corners him during 3rd period. Like always, there's his trademark shit-eating grin on his face as he walks towards Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo can't help it, he smiles back and transfers his backpack to the floor by his feet. He's happy to see Baekhyun, a sentiment he won't have thought possible before this morning. Baekhyun is a familiar smiling face, someone he knows and knows him personally and not just through rumors spread overnight.

1st and 2nd periods were hard to go through. He was approached by not just one but four students he has never talked to in his life and was asked about Jongin (or James, as they call him). He wasn't wearing his glasses yet so he hopes the scowl on his face scared them off when he told them what he told Yasmin yesterday, 'It's none of your business.' Thinking back, maybe he should have just flat out said 'no' but he doesn't like strangers poking their noses in his personal affairs. He doesn't do sns because it always felt like oversharing to him. Like curating your life and showcasing your best self. Kyungsoo doesn't like that. He wants his life to himself, thank you very much.

Baekhyun sits down on the seat he emptied for him with a loud plop, the grin never leaving his face and says loudly in Korean. "Hi, Soo! I have some juicy gossip for you!"

Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. His Korean is very elementary. He had a tutor when he was younger, an old single cat lady who runs the Korean stationary shop in china town named Ms. Lee. She was an alright teacher. She answered all of Kyungsoo's questions and taught him sentence structures and syntax and grammar but what really helped him was constant exposure. He watched a lot of Korean movie classics, like Sunny and Old Boy (unbeknownst to his dad, of course). He watched old variety shows like X-Man and Strong Heart and Star Golden Bell. He wasn't big on dramas because they tend to be too long but he did enjoy a couple like Signal, Nine and The Devil. So if he's being honest, Kyungsoo's Korean is conversational Korean. Baekhyun accommodates him and would often converse with him in English in school and talk to him in Korean when it's just the two of them. So it seems a little strange that he's delivering his day's fresh batch of gossip to Kyungsoo in Korean when he would normally just drop them on him in his usual no-nonsense way, especially now that Kyungsoo's got a major rumor of his own and-

Oh wait.

Kyungsoo looks around and sees at least three pairs of eyes peeking at them. He looks at Baekhyun, still smiling at him and Kyungsoo feels a fraction of worry chip off from his burden. Baekhyun might not be as shitty of a friend as Kyungsoo always teases him to be.

"What?" Baekhyun asks, still smiling. He knows, this fucker.

Kyungsoo shakes his head with a grateful smile, "Nothing, idiot. Okay, I'm ready. Drop me the news."

Baekhyun starts off slow. Mr. Whyte from P.E. is supposedly dating the guidance counselor, Mrs. Kawolski, which is a problem because she's not exactly single (probable, but yikes!). The suggestion box in the cafeteria might be moved to the front hall because students were complaining it's taking too much space when they eat (possible but it's just a goddamn box! how is this even considered gossip). Then Baekhyun goes off on a tangent and starts ranting about the food in the school cafeteria, how it looks like shit (Kyungsoo agrees) and the portions are never enough to get him full (Kyungsoo thinks it's enough but then Baekhyun can eat a whole order of _bossam_ so there's that).

Baekhyun's ranting takes longer than usual. After the cafeteria food, he moves to how boring the pre-med clubs is ('Don't tell your dad!') then some minor baseless gossip about the school cats out back by the trees and how they're being murdered for mystery meat. Kyungsoo can tell Baekhyun is stalling because he keeps mixing his Korean with English and repeating useless details to make his stories longer. It is when Baekhyun starts giving a detailed play by play of how he collided with the school Principal while running late to 1st period (he apparently transferred classes and shares none of them with Kyungsoo this year, the liar) that Kyungsoo stops him.

"Baekhyun, I know what you're doing," Kyungsoo cuts him. "Just spill it already."

Baekhyun stops mid-story and laughs unexpectedly, then he looks around and Kyungsoo follows suit. There are some people still listening in on their conversation despite the language. They're the only Koreans in this class so Kyungsoo knows they're safe but it unnerves him a bit knowing that people are watching, curious. That's when Kyungsoo realizes, belatedly, that Baekhyun is putting on a show for the hungry vultures waiting for anything.

"Oh let them talk and stare all they want, Soo. I've heard things and believe me, they're as tame as gossips go," Baekhyun tells him in a stage whisper that has Kyungsoo chuckling. Baekhyun should go into theater. He'll be good at it. "Soo, you've been ignoring my messages and I know what that means. It means 'Fuck off, Byun Baekhyun!'. It means you don't want to talk about it yet. I figured, you'll tell me when you're ready," Baekhyun shrugs and leans back in his chair casually, as if he didn't just surprise Kyungsoo. The shock must have been apparent on Kyungsoo's face, or maybe it was the silence that followed his statement, because Baekhyun scoffs as if offended and says, "Oh don't give me that look. I may be the biggest gossip in this school but I'm not that horrible. Who else is gonna feed me _samgyetang_ during summer and bring me _juk_ when I'm sick? Psh, you know I owe your family at least a thousand dollars by now with how much I eat at your place."

Baekhyun is probably embarrassed because he's not looking at Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo, understandably, is pretty embarrassed too. They've never been affectionate to each other the same way Kyungsoo isn't affectionate with his brothers, and their banter is mostly insults that ends with Kyungsoo clocking Baekhyun in the chest or choking him in an arm-hold. To exchange sincere words like this seems out of the ordinary. But considering the circumstances, which isn't ordinary at all, Kyungsoo understands it a bit. When his mother passed away, relatives from the area filled their house for days, and even months after, they'll get the occasional Korean aunt dropping by bringing _banchans_ from their grandmother. Kyungsoo was too young to understand it then, and it isn't exactly the same case as now, but he supposes it's similar somehow, in that when there's a problem faced, something significant and larger than what one can take, family and friends will always band together to help. Last night, Hyunsoo and today, Baekhyun. Yesterday too, if he were to count it, Jongin. Kyungsoo feels blessed and thankful. So he does the only logical thing for him to do. He reaches over and flicks Baekhyun's forehead as hard as he can.

"Ow!!! What the fuck, Soo!" Baekhyun cries in pain, a red welt forming in the middle of his eyebrows. But Baekhyun is not mad, not really. He's laughing, flapping his hands to swat at Kyungsoo and soon, Kyungsoo is laughing too.

 

\--

 

They agree to meet back at the library. Kyungsoo comes as discreetly as he can. He waits for most of the students to be in the cafeteria, checks the hallways. When he sees that he's as unnoticed as he was before this week started, he speed-walks up the flight of steps, turns a corner and enters the silent sanctuary. The smell of old books greet him as does the librarian at the desk. Kyungsoo counts three underclassmen in the main reading hall, scattered around the tables. He walks as quietly as he can past them all, down the aisle of books, straight to the end where the world map is.

Jongin is already there when Kyungsoo arrives, long legs extended under the table, slouching casually on the chair with a book in hand. He's wearing round spectacles, perched on top of his high nose, face focused and lips set in a pout. Kyungsoo stops mid-step by the end of the bookshelf, just before the clearing and breathes. He looks for a while, looks at the boy in his dark jeans and red striped cashmere sweater, brown hair falling in cascades down his forehead. He really does look beautiful, Kyungsoo thinks, and for a moment he just watches. But there is weight in gazes, as Kyungsoo knows very well, and soon enough Jongin must have felt his eyes on him because he turns his head and catches Kyungsoo looking. Kyungsoo's face warms at being caught but he strolls forward and takes a seat in front of the younger with a smile. He's better today than he was yesterday at being alone with Jongin face to face.

"How're you holding up, hyung?" Jongin asks, closing his book and placing it by his backpack on the table. His face is set in an easy smile today. He looks friendly, fresh-faced even in mid-day. It's a direct contrast to how he looked in the parking lot this morning, frustrated and agitated.

"I've seen worse days," Kyungsoo has but not much, and not since six summers ago but Jongin doesn't need to know that. Kyungsoo has slowly gotten used to the whispers and loud murmurs when he passes by. In half a day, he's learned to tune them out. He thinks, maybe, if he ignores them for a day more, they'll eventually get tired and move on sooner. "Can't say I'm enjoying my five minutes of fame but it's not so bad." Jongin looks relieved and Kyungsoo finds that sweet.

"I hope no one has been harassing you about it," Jongin's phone pings in his pocket, the vibration in his jeans audible. Jongin sighs but takes his phone out, glancing at the screen and rolling his eyes. He places his phone on top of his book. Kyungsoo has a feeling who it's from but he doesn't want to assume so he doesn't mention it. "I had to fend off a horde yesterday asking me who you were because no one can find you on any social media." Jongin laughs as he says, "It's like you're a ghost."

"I don't do social media," Kyungsoo shrugs, reaching into his backpack for the egg sandwich squares he packed for lunch. He also has rice with _jjajang_ sauce and _kimchi mandu_ in his bag but it's too much to eat inside the library. Besides, he once got asked to leave because of the smell of _kimchi_. The librarian wasn't too happy about that, freshman year. "Too much work."

"Too much work?" Jongin laughs at that, soft chuckles that shake his shoulders as his eyes crinkle in amusement. Kyungsoo can't help the smile that crosses his lips. Jongin looks so pretty like this, happy, face open and laughing softly. "I guess you can say that. It took the crew ages to convince me to make one."

"Yeah, I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself. No need to broadcast them to the world," Kyungsoo opens the ziplock bag and offers it to Jongin. "Sandwich? It's eggs."

Jongin looks at the clear plastic bag. Inside are crust-less wedges of egg sandwich wrapped in white parchment paper that took Kyungsoo ages to wrap this morning. Jongin looks hesitant but his hand moves to reach inside, taking a piece. Kyungsoo urges him to get more but he shakes his head and refuses.

"Suit yourself," Kyungsoo says, taking a bite of his sandwich while Jongin follows suit. Kyungsoo watches the gradient change in Jongin's face as he chews. His eyes grow wider, rounder and then he starts to chew slowly, looking at the sandwich in wonder. Kyungsoo knows that look. That's exactly how Baekhyun looks whenever Kyungsoo feeds him a new recipe he found on the internet. Jongin takes another bite, and another. In three bites, the parchment paper falls empty on the table, Jongin looking sadly at it and then up at the ziplock bag by Kyungsoo's elbow where about 6 more wedges are neatly stacked together. Kyungsoo chuckles. "You sure you only want one?"

Jongin flashes him a bashful smile that has Kyungsoo melting, laughing down as he folds the parchment paper into a small neat square. "Actually, can I have another one?"

"Thought so," Kyungsoo says with a touch of smugness in his voice that Jongin doesn't miss, making the younger reach up and rub the back of his neck as he smiles that winning smile that Kyungsoo loves so much. "Take as much as you want."

"It's a really good sandwich," Jongin reasons, reaching inside to the offered bag, taking out one sandwich wedge, then as if on second thought, takes two more. Kyungsoo finds the sheepish smile on Jongin's face endearing, his heart warming. One of the best feelings in the world is having someone like and appreciate what you made. Seeing Jongin munching happily on the egg sandwiches he labored over this morning makes the extra hour process worth it. "How did you get the egg spread to taste so fluffy? I've never had anything like this. This is top-notch sandwich tier!"

"It's easy. I found a recipe for Japanese egg sandwiches on youtube. I could't get Japanese eggs though so they aren't as creamy as they're supposed to be but, well, you seem to like it so I guess they're good," Kyungsoo explains, reaching for another piece. They really are good. He hopes Hyunsoo and his dad loves them too. He's packed them eight wedges each this morning. Jongin has already eaten three. He's on his last wedge. Hyunsoo and Jongin will get along nicely, Kyungsoo thinks. They both eat like a starved cow.

"Oh I don't just like it. I love them! They're super good!" Jongin exclaims a little too loudly, making both of their eyes go wide in surprise, hands immediately going up to cover their mouths on instinct. A second passes then a bell from the desk up front sounds in a tinkling rhythm, a warning. Jongin looks scandalized and Kyungsoo snickers, laughing into his palm as quietly as he can. If he gets kicked out again, that will be three strikes for him already. "Oh my god, do think they'll kick us out if we're too noisy? Do you know if they bar students entry if they get kicked out? I like reading my books here. It's peaceful and comfy," Jongin says in a whisper with a pout. He looks genuinely worried, all cute with his lower lip jutting out, which only makes Kyungsoo laugh more (as silently as he can, of course). Jongin eyes him and whines, "Hyung… don't laugh…"

"Okay, okay," Kyungsoo takes a minute to calm down, drinking from his bottled water to wash the laughter down, by which time Jongin has already finished all of his share of the sandwiches. "They do kick students out. I got kicked out twice freshman year. But-"

"-what???" Jongin asks in surprise, voice going several pitches higher. The bell rings again. Jongin's face looks almost comical as it drains of color, both hands going up to cover his mouth to prevent further damage. "What?" he asks in a much lower voice, making Kyungsoo chuckle, "You got kicked out twice? Twice? You?"

"Yes, me. Why?" Kyungsoo closes the ziplock bag and pushes it towards Jongin, who shakes his head and pushes it back to Kyungsoo, but he pushes it back to Jongin again. "No, take them. I can always make more at home."

"But you've oly had two and I already had four," Jongin protests, even as he takes the sandwiches and folds the loose plastic, chucking them inside his bag along with his book. Kyungsoo smiles at that, his cheeks already aching a bit from too much smiling. Yesterday was a little bit awkward, the nerves from the events prior must have shaken Kyungsoo more than he thought. But today he feels more relaxed and it shows. He's not blushing like a fool anymore every time Jongin looks at him. He's kept the red off his face successfully and it's been minutes. He feels proud of himself. Although the giggling and smiling, that he can't help. He just feels… happy, somehow. To be away from the stares and the gossip and just be in this cocoon with Jongin until lunch ends. He hopes Jongin feels the same. "So tell me hyung, about those two times you got kicked out from here."

"It's nothing dramatic," Kyungsoo shrugs, and it isn't, but Jongin's looking at him eagerly, curious eyes staring at him openly. Kyungsoo fights the blush that creeps up his cheeks at the direct attention. He was doing so well! He shouldn't have spoken too soon. "Just- I brought some leftover _kimchijjim_. Soon, the librarian asked me to leave. A stern warning never to bring strong smelling food inside ever again. I said, okay, fair enough. Then a few weeks later I brought in some baby carrots to munch on while I do my homework. Next thing I know, the librarian comes over again and tells me I was disturbing the other students because my food was 'noisy'. Turns out some senior complained my baby carrots were keeping him from revising. Another stern warning, only soft foods allowed inside. I'm basically at two strikes right now. So if you get me kicked out, I guess I'll be barred from entering," Kyungsoo teases Jongin lightly, shrugging nonchalantly, like it's no big deal. Jongin takes him seriously for a full second but the corner of Kyungsoo's lips twitch into a smile and he knows Jongin knows.

"Ahhh, hyung! Don't tease me like that!" Jongin is still whispering as silently as he can which makes his raspy voice seem closer to Kyungsoo, but his smiling now too and he lightly taps Kyungsoo's foot under the table with his own. Jongin shouldn't sound good but he does. His low voice and twinkling crescent moon eyes, that boyish smile on his lips, all makes Kyungsoo needs want to keep telling him bad jokes just to hear him laugh.

But then his phone pings again, and then again, and then a few more successive pings that Jongin snatches it from the table, taps as quickly as he can. Kyungsoo sees the screen shut down just as the bell up front rings for the third time. Jongin looks worriedly up the aisle but it remains empty, no one walks through to tell them off. Kyungsoo looks at the black screen of Jongin's phone. He knows he shouldn't meddle but-

"Yixing?" Kyungsoo nods at the phone, the irrational irritation crawling back under his skin. He shakes the feeling off just as Jongin's head snaps back to look at him at the question, a frown forming on his face.

"Uh, yeah. It's fine. I'll reply to him later. He'll live," Jongin dismisses with a flick of his wrist, picking his phone and throwing it in his bag along with the book and the sandwiches. But Kyungsoo can tell it's not fine because his brows are furrowed, lips set in a thin line, eyes downcast. He's not smiling and the light has gone out from his eyes. He starts picking at his nails again. Kyungsoo doesn't like it.

"Hey, Jongin," Kyungsoo leans in, voice as soft as he can muster. Jongin looks up at him, probably sees the worried look on Kyungsoo's face and manages a small tiny smile. "I saw the two of you this morning."

Jongin nods, the smile on his lips stay, "Yeah, saw you power-walking across the lot."

"Is something wrong?"

Jongin sighs. Kyungsoo's heart clenches.

"He wants us to get back together," Jongin says quietly, a hint of frustration lacing his voice. Kyungsoo stares at him in slight shock. That wasn't what he expected. "I said no. I've been saying no. It's just- I don't get why he would want to get back together. He was the one who lied to me, dumped me, hurt me," Jongin's face looks defeated and Kyungsoo fights everything in himself not to reach out and hold his hand again. The irrational anger he was feeling, it doesn't feel so irrational now. Kyungsoo is on the verge of being proper mad. But still Jongin says, "It's whatever."

"It's not whatever," Kyungsoo disagrees. Seeing Jongin likes this, Kyungsoo doesn't like it. He liked the Jongin from a while ago, the one who was laughing at his teasing, pouting and munching on his egg sandwich. "You don't have to get back with him if you don't want to."

"I know but-" another sigh, "-everyone in the crew wants me to just forgive him, says it's messing with the team synergy. I know what they mean. It's hard, seeing him everyday after school, practicing together. It's different for me. Maybe I'm just old-fashioned like my parents," he laughs bitterly, hands twisting the square parchment into a crumpled mess. "It's just, I don't understand. Like, they know what happened but they want me to forgive him? It's messed up, hyung."

Fuck it. Kyungsoo reaches over and holds Jongin's hands, steadies him, the same way holding Jongin's hands yesterday has anchored him to the present rather than dwell on the past and get lost in the future. He knows he may not have the same effect on Jongin as Jongin does on him but he hopes the sentiment gets across the same. He hopes Jongin knows that he cares.

"And Yixing he's been… persistent. A week after he dumps me he casually strolls up to me, says he's sorry and expects me to just jump back into his arms. His exchange program ends after November. Says he wants to make it up to me before he goes back to China but- I don't know, hyung. It's stressing me out lately," Jongin turns his hands and properly slots their palms together on the table. Kyungsoo feels warm all over. He squeezes his hold, Jongin squeezes back. "I know I shouldn't because I don't want to but- you know? It's hard to say no every time. And this morning he-" Jongin breathes and shakes his head. "Never mind. It's not important."

"No, tell me," Kyungsoo urges. If Jongin was going to say it, it might be important, it ought to be. He wants Jongin to be honest with him. He wants to be someone who Jongin can trust. Maybe he's asking for too much, too fast, but sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants. He knows this is a disaster in the making. He's hurtling forward again, no stops. But this isn't summer. And there are no more letters for him to write his escape.

"He was mad, this morning. He asked if the reason why I don't want to get back together was because I have someone new," Jongin admits, squeezing Kyungsoo's hands in his. Kyungsoo feels the warmth blanketing him turn to static, his skin fizzing.

"Me?"

"Yes, you," Jongin confirms. "Yesterday, the crew asked me the same thing. Was I seeing you? Is that why I won't get back with Yixing? And for a second I thought, would that make them leave me alone? Would they drop the issue if I said yes?"

"What did you say then?" There are goose-flesh sprouting like blossoms on Kyungsoo's skin and his heart began an irregular staccato in his chest. Kyungsoo doesn't know why. "What did you tell them?"

"That it's none of their business," Jongin shrugs, but all Kyungsoo can see is the frown still etched on his face, his eyes sad, face defeated.

Kyungsoo takes a step back. Wonders. The static under his skin has made it's way as a constant buzz in his ears. It sounds crazy, even in his head.

"What if you said yes?" Kyungsoo says faintly, not believing his words even as they leave him. "What if you tell them we were, even if we weren't? Would they believe you?"

Jongin looks at him, confused. Kyungsoo pulls his hands back from Jongin's hold, hiding them on his lap beneath the surface, palms immediately sweating as he rests them on his jeans. Jongin chases them for a second before he lets his hands drop back down between them. His frown has turned to a question, or questions. "Hyung, what are you saying?"

Kyungsoo doesn't know. He doesn't know what himself. But it makes sense in his head. He just doesn't know if it will make sense out loud.

"So I watched this old movie called We're the Millers the other day with Hyunsoo," Kyungsoo starts off slow. Jongin looks lost, but not in the same way he was on the first day back to school. No, Jongin looks lost in the way his eyes are curious and his face is expectant. Kyungsoo takes comfort in the knowledge that Jongin is listening, as crazy as he is going to sound. "It's a movie where the main guy, this small time drug dealer, got in trouble with his supplier-" Jongin raises an eyebrow at this but Kyungsoo continues on, "-so he owed the guy a huge sum of money. As payback, he has to smuggle a delivery of marijuana from Mexico back to the US. He didn't know how he'll pull it off. So he came up with this crazy plan to hire his stripper neighbor, this bitchy teenage runaway and some dumb kid who lives in his building, to pose as his family. The Millers. So off they trot across the boarder in an RV and all the usual hijinks happen. You know, the rest."

Jongin probably doesn't know but he's thinking, looking at his hands on the table. Kyungsoo can see the gears turning, probably the same way the ones inside his are-reluctant to point the way to where this logic is going. Kyungsoo sees it on Jongin's face when it clicks. Kyungsoo swallows nervously, wiping his sweaty palm on his jeans.

"So what you're saying is that we- pretend? That we're dating?" Jongin asks, not quite believing. Kyungsoo doesn't quite believe it too, even when it's his idea. Hearing it out loud makes his heart pound like a banging drum against his rib cage, the buzzing in his ears so loud he almost doesn't hear when Jongin says, "But you said… you said you're not sure?"

What strikes Kyungsoo is that Jongin doesn't say it was a stupid idea. Or that he hates it. Or that he doesn't want to do it. It isn't rejection, nor dismissal. What Jongin asks is about Kyungsoo, if he really wants to because he isn't sure of himself yet, because it was just yesterday when Kyungsoo said it was still only curiosity. The fact that Jongin's first concern is him, little old Kyungsoo who ignored him for four years, makes the static under Kyungsoo's skin disappear like smoke in the air. He feels the warmth from before return, and he welcomes it.

"I'm not sure, yeah, but I also said I'm curious and I thought-" a lie, he didn't think this through. He's speaking as he goes. Something so rare for him, who wants his words always picked out carefully. Maybe this is how it feels like, to break all of your rules. So Kyungsoo breathes and powers through, "-that this can be an opportunity to explore that curiosity. I was wondering, yeah? How we're going to deal with the rumor that we're a thing, and I keep coming back to what you said yesterday, how it doesn't really go away even if we deny it. And if we're to remain friends, and you become my sexual identity mentor or jedi master or some other, then we're gonna have to talk in school, but that will just feed the rumors even more, right? There's really no other way around it. So why not? It's already out there anyway. People already think we're dating. I'm already dealing with the whispers, the stares. In a few weeks, people are going to move on and the whispers and stares will stop. So it's not like, we're going to suffer a huge net loss here-"

"Hyung-"

"-which is-"

Jongin reaches over the table and holds him by the shoulders. Kyungsoo realizes he's been rambling. He does not ramble.

"You're nervous," Jongin says, the concern in his voice back. Kyungsoo stops and looks at him, heat spreading out on his cheeks. "Hyung, we really don't have to. You sound like you're convincing yourself as much as you're convincing me."

That's because he is, but Kyungsoo doesn't say that. Instead he laughs and removes Jongin's hands on his shoulder, bringing them back on top of the table between them. He likes holding Jongin's hands. He really do. His anchor to keep himself steady. "It will also stop your dance troupe from harassing you about getting back together with Yixing. And Yixing will also stop trying to get back with you. I mean, he will, right?"

"He will. I think so. But hyung-"

"But of course we don't have to! If you don't want to," Kyungsoo adds, as an out, just in case. Because of course, he doesn't want to assume, although Jongin's initial reaction seemed promising. "It's kind of a stupid idea anyway."

"No! Oh no, no, it's not stupid. Not at all," Jongin shakes his head in protest, pulling Kyungsoo's hands towards him, holding his hands tighter. There's a small smile playing by the edges of his lips and Kyungsoo feels immediately lighter, braver. "It's just, I don't want you to do this for me."

"I'm doing this for me," Kyungsoo says as sincerely as he can, as firmly as he can. His voice is steady, his eyes don't waver. "I want to. I think this is a good solution. For me. For you. You get to have your peace of mind, and I get to have mine. You'll have Yixing and your dance crew off your back and as for me, if they're going to gossip about me, I'd prefer it to be partly true so I don't get angry about it. Instead, I can just laugh about it. It will be like I'm one upping them, you know?" Kyungsoo smiles at his own idea.

"It just sounds so…"

"Complicated?"

"Sort of."

Kyungsoo thinks, considers. Maybe he's been watching too many movies. And maybe he is making this more complicated than it really is. But the idea's already out there. He might as well commit, "You don't have to give your answer now, but think about it, yeah?"

Jongin nods, his bangs moving across his forehead as he does so. The natural shine of his eyes are back and there's a playful smirk on his lips. Kyungsoo feels his heart triple in beats as Jongin says, "I'll think about it."

When the bell finally rings, they're still holding hands. Neither wants to let go.

 

\--

 

Seungsoo said he will call when he wakes up. There's a fourteen hour difference between Seungsoo and Kyungsoo, making it hard to communicate in real time. They normally talk through the brothers' katalk group chat, replying to each other and reading what the others have posted when they can. Calling, however, is hard when by the time Kyungsoo has time to call at night, Seungsoo is already out holed up in the library or a study room, trying to brush up on his Korean.

Seungsoo's Korean is the best out of them three. He almost has no accent and his vocabulary is also very impressive. But academic Korean is different, he says. It's more formal, more professional. He can communicate just fine, participate in class discussions just fine, but writing papers and revising using thick books in all Korean is hard. Sometimes, he's reading his Korean textbook but it feels like he's reading an altogether different language. Seungsoo said he's gained weight because he's done nothing but stress-eat, which is hard in Korea where the food is always relatively healthy. Later on, Seungsoo admitted he's been eating a lot of McDonalds and Burger Kings, Taco Bell and Wendy's because he's been missing the oily and greasy taste of home.

Lately, however, Seungsoo seems to have snapped out of his fast-food-homesick phase, instead devoting his time to improving his written academic Korean. He's enrolled himself to the school's Korean Language program and spends most of his time with a peer-group of Korean-Americans who are also new in Yonsei. He also discovered a way to keep up with his all-Korean classes. He would record each lecture then transcribe them in Korean, and then translate the Korean to English. It takes a lot of time, Seungsoo complains, but it has helped him a lot. If Seungsoo, the most studious of them three, is struggling, then it must mean it's damn hard. Kyungsoo has nothing but respect for his older brother. Which is why it was hard to schedule a call with him. Kyungsoo didn't want to disturb Seungsoo but this is important. This isn't something that you just do over a chat message. He wants to tell Seungsoo face-to-face.

He's watching his 2nd season of Black Mirror when the familiar ring of katalk vibrates from his phone. It's Seungsoo. He picks the device up and taps to accept the video call.

"Hey, hyung," Kyungsoo greets, waving at the camera as he adjusts the angle so he's not all forehead on the screen.

Seungsoo looks like he just woke up. He has bed hair and there's a crust of dried drool running down the side of his mouth. His eyes are glued shut but there's a smile on his lips, the early Korean morning sun hitting his face. Kyungsoo can't help but smile at the sight. It's been so long.

"Hi, Swooo," his older yawns, rubbing his eyes. "Haven't seen you in forever."

"Well, you haven't seen me yet right now either," Kyungsoo points out. Seungsoo laughs at that, opening his sleepy eyes as wide as he can and staring straight at Kyungsoo. "Okay, much better."

"So how are you guys doing? Dad hasn't been replying to my messages. Well, he would reply once in a while. But I've already sent like 20 pictures but all he'll do is ask me about the weather," Seungsoo exaggerates, like he always does. Kyungsoo kinda misses this, Seungsoo ranting to him about random stuff. Like that time Seungsoo went on for an hour and a half straight about how Miyeon's parents put opened canned goods in their fridge and how it's slowly killing them and his precious girlfriend (well, ex-girlfriend). "Like, last month, I asked him if he's checked his online bank account to see if all the bills' payments went through and you know what his answer is? _'When is grandma sending more kimchi?'_. I swear, Soo. Dad is worse than grandma. Grandma replies to all my katalks-"

Kyungsoo just lets Seungsoo talk for a while, his dorm behind him. From what Kyungsoo can see, it's smaller than what it looks in the pictures Seungsoo sent on his first week in Korea. Maybe it's because it's populated by Seungsoo and his roommate's things now. Kyungsoo can see a pile of clothes to the right of Seungsoo's head, a guitar and a stack of books beside it. He's gonna assume that's at least not Seungsoo's because that would just be horrifying. Although, Seungsoo can't play any musical instrument to save his life, so that's a small comfort.

"Oh and by the way, I went to this _dakgalbi_ place in Itaewon last weekend and all I could think about was how much you're going to love it there," Seungsoo looks excited, his eyes wide awake and alert now. "I took loads of pictures, of course. I'm going to send them to the group chat. I think they use Korean pear as sweetener instead of honey. Have you tried that?"

Of course, Kyungsoo has tried that but it's hard to get a hold of Korean pears from Hanshim. They only import a few and by the time Kyungsoo gets there for the week's batch, all the Korean ladies within a two mile radius have already bought a kilo each. "I've tried that before, remember? When Grandma came over for Christmas?"

Seungsoo scrunches up his brows, thinking, until his eyes light up. "Oh right! That was really good! Was that because of the pear? I didn't know! You're really the better cook between us," Seungsoo shrugs with a chuckle as he stands up and heads to the small kitchen in the back. It's just a small space, a foot of marble counter, a sink and a toaster, a coffee maker. Kyungsoo's seen pictures for this part of the dorm too. He can't imagine himself living in such a small space where he can't cook, can't even seemingly slice or prep. "Oh right, I'm sending you guys a package this weekend. I bought some Korean skin care products. They're really cheap here! That Nature Republic jell you and dad use? Less than $3! Can you believe? I also got you a scarf and some other stuff for Hyunsoo-"

"Hyung?"

"-and I got dad this new neck massager- what?"

"You're gonna deplete your allowance on food and us," Kyungsoo smiles at his older brother fondly. He would never admit it but he misses Seungsoo, having someone he knows he can rely on without question. Even when he's wrong, Seungsoo was always on his side. When he tripped a kid in 9th grade for making fun of the smell of his lunch, he never told his dad but he told Seungsoo. He didn't get in trouble but he got a warning. Seungsoo didn't get mad when he told him. He was proud. 'Just make sure there's no witness the next time you trip someone.' It's not the best advice, or the right advice, but the fact that Seungsoo sided with him meant a lot to him.

"It's fine! Dad sends enough, and I'll be earning money as a part-time English tutor here anyway," Seungsoo proudly says as he fixes himself a cup of coffee, the camera shaking violently as he whips it up and about until the coffee is done and Kyungsoo can see Hyunsoo again. "I'm starting this weekend."

"That's great news, hyung! But how are you going to fit that in with your crazy schedule?"

"I'll manage," Seungsoo shrugs, taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing. "So how about you? How's junior year? Was sort of worried you suddenly wanted to talk to me. You guys didn't get in trouble, did you?"

How does Kyungsoo tackle this. He wondered last night if he should even tell Seungsoo. Seungsoo won't know and what he doesn't know won't affect him. Kyungsoo almost talked himself out of it too, but then he remembered how Seungsoo told him how he confessed to Miyeon that day in the kitchen, his eyes wide and his face glowing, then he remembered how Seungsoo told him how he broke up with Miyeon that night back in August, when he didn't even tell their dad and Hyunsoo. They just naturally assumed the breakup when Miyeon stopped coming over. Kyungsoo knows he can't keep this from his older brother. He knows he did nothing wrong but it's still better that Seungsoo knows. Kyungsoo won't have his peace of mind until he tells him.

"About that, something happened," Kyungsoo breathes in, breathes out. His nerves are on fire but this is not the time to run around in circles. "You know mom's old hatbox?"

"Yeah, the ugly mint one?"

"Yeah, that one," Kyungsoo smiles a little. "I've been keeping letters I wrote in it for the past five years. I guess you can call them love letters? But not really. I wrote them as goodbye letters to people I liked before I moved on. I saw it in a movie once, that writing your feelings out helps. I never had the intention to send them, of course. I just kept them there. Five of them."

Seungsoo is listening, taking little sips of his coffee. Kyungsoo swallows.

"Well, somehow, they got out-"

"Hyunsoo?"

"-er, yeah? How did you know?"

"Come on, Soo. I know you two," Seungsoo rolls his eyes, blurry but still visible. "Okay, continue."

"-so they got sent out and now I'm sort of fucked but I'm sorting things out," Kyungsoo explains, the image of Jongin's smiling face flashing in his head. Very fucked. "And I'm telling you because one of the letters was for-" Kyungsoo pauses, swallows the nervousness in his throat, and says, "-Miyeon."

"Hm…" Seungsoo hums. Kyungsoo feels the nervousness like bile rising up his throat. And then Seungsoo nods slowly, "Ahhh, that makes sense."

What?

Seungsoo must have seen the look on Kyungsoo face because he shrugs and adds, "I sorta had this feeling you had a crush on her but I thought it wasn't major. It was before I got with her because as soon as we got together, you were like back to Kyungsoo-mode."

Is Seungsoo implying that his default state of Kyungsoo-mode means being cordially civil to people but otherwise ignoring them? Because it sounds like it. Not that he can deny it but still.

"Yeah, I wrote her letter the night you told me you confessed to her," Kyungsoo admits, observing his brother's face for any sign of anger or disappointment but he sees none. Kyungsoo's nerves begin to calm down. "I just want to let you know, hyung. Because before it was just for me. But the letters getting out makes them more than that. I thought you deserved to know."

Kyungsoo doesn't expect the wide smile that he grows pixel by pixel on the screen in front of him. Seungsoo is smile, and then he laughs a little.

"Soo, did you think I would get angry?" Seungsoo's voice has a tint of laughter but his face is concerned. "Because you did nothing wrong. But I'm glad you told me anyway."

Kyungsoo smiles at that, a full wide smile that stretches across his face. The nerves are fully gone now, the lead clogging his throat like a cork nowhere to be found. He feels an unknown shadow looming over him dissipate like the wind. Why did he ever doubt Seungsoo?

"But I want to know, did Hyunsoo apologize?" Seungsoo asks, taking on his big brother tone that Kyungsoo knows he means business. "Did he tell you why? And did you scold him never to mess with others' things like that again?"

"Yes, hyung. He apologized." Kyungsoo doesn't want to get into the whole story. He wants that part to be only his and Hyunsoo. Kyungsoo thinks that part, he can keep from Seungsoo. He adds with a smile, "We're cool now."

"Then good. If he apologized, then that's good," Seungsoo pauses, the video buffering. Kyungsoo thought the call got cut, but then Seungsoo's face starts moving again. "But what about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you okay? You said all the letters got sent out. Are you fine?" Seungsoo still has his big brother voice on. Kyungsoo has a feeling, the way brothers get the same feeling when they know, that Seungsoo has an idea of Kyungsoo's current predicament.

"I'm fine," Kyungsoo reassures him. He knows. Seungsoo knows. The thought comforts him. "I'm… dealing with it."

"Okay, if you say so, Soo," Seungsoo smiles, the video going back to HD when he sits back down on his desk by the window. "Just know I'll always be here to listen."

Kyungsoo nods, the grin still in place on his face. Maybe he should send him a box of his favorite snacks too, to thank him for the skin care products he's sending. He and Hyunsoo really got lucky with Seungsoo. Kyungsoo's read horror stories of siblings on the internet, especially between boys. How they got bullied by their older brother, or how they got ignored. But they got Seungsoo, giving and understanding Seungsoo, who is always there for them like a second father, questionable fashion choices aside. Kyungsoo really does miss him.

"Hey hyung, do you want me to send you a pack of gushers?"

 

\--

 

Seungsoo has a morning class at 9 am so he says goodbye at 8, the autumn morning sun in Seoul rising high up behind him on the walls of his dorm. He gets a kick out of "living in the future", as he calls it. Kyungsoo just rolls his eyes but Seungsoo still gets one last "I'll tell you what happens in the future later, Soo!" before the call cuts. It's only 6 pm on Kyungsoo's side of the world, however. Plenty of time to plan tomorrow's lunch.

Tomorrow.

Just thinking of tomorrow brings a storm of emotions in Kyungsoo's chest that he can't seem to pinpoint nor name. Since lunch, he kept himself busy. He focused on lessons. He took notes, which he never does. He participated in class discussions, which he seldom does. It kept his mind occupied. He was only approached twice today, old group mates he hasn't talked to since they passed their projects in middle school. They didn't ask him straight out, but he could tell they were fishing for information, steering the topic to clubs and mentioning the school's dance crew. Kyungsoo tried to be as courteous and civil as he can without sounding stand-offish. He smiled and nodded, only answering questions he thought were necessary. They left him alone when the bell for last period rang, gaining nothing from him. On his way home, he turned the radio up on high and filled the car with loud hip-hop/RnB, the latest tunes from Melon's top 10 and a playlist Baekhyun created on his Spotify account he named _"Get Ksoo Wild"_. It didn't get him wild but it distracted him enough to not think of what he has done during lunch. And what might come off of it.

He does not regret his idea. Not one bit. But if he thinks about it, he will get anxious, nervous. He'll scold himself in his head and put himself in a sour mood. So he's focusing on the now, on the present. He'll worry about what happens next when Jongin gives him his answer. He has his phone in his pocket today, just in case.

Now, however, there's nothing to focus on but the lunch prep for tomorrow. His father isn't home yet, staying at the hospital because of a last minute wisdom teeth extraction that needs special attention due to being escalated to a minor surgery. He called to say he'll be eating dinner at the hospital cafeteria. Hyunsoo is at a friend's house, playing that popular shooting game with his friends from track. He called to say he was invited to eat dinner and begged Kyungsoo to let him because Tony's Italian grandma cooked them risotto and gnochi. Kyungsoo agreed as long as Hyunsoo brought him some. Hyunsoo said he'll try his best.

This means Kyungsoo is to eat dinner alone and also plan what to bring tomorrow for lunch. He doesn't want to bring anything heavy (or smelly or loud) in case they meet in the library again (he unconsciously pats his phone in his jean's pocket). Since Jongin liked the Japanese style egg sandwich, maybe Kyungsoo can do a tuna mayo _onigiri_. Upon checking the fridge, however, he finds that they're out of _kim_ , having had used the whole pack last weekend when he made kimbap for Hyunsoo's Saturday practice. He can make another type of sandwich but then Jongin might think he can only make sandwiches which he will not allow. It's not that he's trying to impress Jongin. Not at all! Kyungsoo just wants a good follow up from his egg sandwich so his new friend doesn't get disappointed. Speaking of which, he'll pack Baekhyun a couple too.

Adding Baekhyun, Kyungsoo will need to make enough for five people, three of whom can eat a whole cow in one sitting. This means he needs at least two packs of _kim_ and two more cans of tuna chunks since he only sees one in the pantry and it's just about to expire. He shoots a message to his father and Hyunsoo, informing them he'll be out for a quick trip to Hanshim to buy tomorrow's lunch, asking if there's anything they want Kyungsoo to pick up for them. His father doesn't reply, probably still busy with his patient. Hyunsoo's reply is immediate. He wants a bag of Honey Butter chips. So predictable.

On the way to Hanshim, Kyungsoo puts Baekhyun's playlist on.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo see's Jongin immediately. He's in front of the row of refrigerated drinks on the other side, towering over the low aisles of food and home wares. Kyungsoo can't see his face, only his back, but it's enough to know that it's him. Jongin has a very recognizable physique. He has broad shoulders that slim down to his waist. He has long long long legs that enables him to move with cat-like grace. He's not bulky like the jocks are, but he's not stick-thin either. Dancer's body, Kyungsoo has heard the girls in class whisper.

Usually, when Kyungsoo sees Jongin, his immediate reaction is to walk the other way. He always felt a certain barely-there sadness, a melancholy kind of regret of what he threw away. But it all passes in a second or two and Kyungsoo's life goes on. Four years is a long time to ignore someone. Today, however, they are friends. And friends greet each other when they see each other in public. Kyungsoo's feelings right now too, they have changed. He feels something akin to anticipation, a strange kind of nervousness.

He doesn't go and say 'hi' immediately. He takes a basket first and heads for aisle four where the packs of _kim_ are. He picks up three packs, just in case, and also takes a pack of small-cut _kims_ to snack on later. Next, he crosses over to aisle seven where all the canned goods are. He grabs two cans of _chamchi_ , making sure to get Dong Won because Lohi tasted off the last time he got it. One thing to remember when buying at a Korean mart, never buy the cheapest brand. It's always going to taste artificial. When he arrives at the next aisle to get Hyunsoo's chips, Jongin is there holding a bag of _Kkokkalcorn_ and _Goguma kkang_ , seemingly choosing between the two with a furrow in his brow. Kyungsoo can't help the chuckle that leaves him at the sight. This catches Jongin's attention, looking at his direction, round glasses perched on his nose.

"Hyung!" he beams at Kyungsoo, waving the _Goguma kkan_ g at him like a flag. Kyungsoo smiles at him back, a wide grin of his own. Jongin looks so cute in his brown cardigan and _ajhusshi_ square flannel pants. Kyungsoo's heart was not ready.

"What are you wearing?" Kyungsoo eyes the interesting choice of fashion. Jongin looks down at his pants and checks then blushes, a faint rosy pink dusting on his cheeks. 

"Oh this?" He laughs with a shy chuckle, tugging at the fabric and flapping it about. "These are my comfy pajamas. It's very in right now."

"With the _ahjummas_ , I bet," Kyungsoo nods with as much seriousness as he can manage, walking closer to stand beside him on the aisle, surveying the bags of chips and snacks available. Hyunsoo's Butter chips nowhere to be found. "Why are you shopping in your pajamas? It's chilly out."

Jongin shrugs, the shy smile still in place. He puts the _Goguma kkang_ back and adds the _Kkokkalcorn_ in his basket, whose only resident is a pack of banana milk. "Just out for a quick shopping trip. I didn't think to dress up."

"Same," Kyungsoo says as he looks around the aisle, looking for Hyunsoo's chips. They're usually in this aisle, on this shelf but they're not here. "Are they out of Honey Butter chips?"

"Huh? Honey Butter?" Jongin grabs the _Goguma_ back and puts that in his basket too. Kyungsoo smiles to himself. "Oh they put it up front. There's a whole display for it. I think there's a promo for a pack of three. Are you getting one?"

"For Hyunsoo. The fad has died and went but Hyunsoo's still stuck with these chips." Kyungsoo snatches two bags of _Ojingo Ddangkong_ before he starts to make his way to the front. Jongin follows him, pointing where the display of Honey Butter chips is. There, right in front of the double glass doors, is a huge display of nothing but the chips in all the bags' sizes. It would have been so hard to miss it given how it's the first thing you'll see when you walk in. But of course, Kyungsoo missed it, because the first thing he saw when he walked in was a head of dark brown hair and broad shoulders. Priorities. "Oh, they're right here."

"Yeah, can't believe you missed it," Jongin teases, making Kyungsoo laugh in slight embarrassment. "Can't blame Hyunsoo though. These do taste good. I used to eat a bag a day after practice."

"A bag a day? Really?" Kyungsoo was only going to buy one but he ends up grabbing the pack of three. It's a good value for his dollars, he reasons. "Well I drink three Yakult a day so no judgement there, really."

"Three? Really? Wow," Jongin is looking at him almost disbelievingly. "I love banana milk but I've never drank more than one a day."

"Oh banana milk?" Kyungsoo eyes the one on Jongin's basket and shrugs. "I can finish that whole six-pack in one sitting."

Jongin stares at him wide-eyed for a second before he dashes straight back into the store, disappearing when he makes a turn on aisle five. Kyungsoo just watches confused, holding his pack of Honey Butter chips. Did he scare Jongin away? Is his abnormal love for banana milk what ends the road for them? Not him ignoring Jongin for four years, or dragging him into this love letter mess, but banana milk? That can't be right.

It couldn't have been more than a minute because Kyungsoo is still standing by display, pack of Honey Butter chips in hand, when Jongin emerges from aisle seven. He's panting a bit but there's a wide smile stretched across his face, his eyes are bright.

"Where'd you go?" Kyungsoo doesn't know what happened, looking at Jongin pointedly but the younger just shrugs. Kyungsoo cocks his head in confusion, about to ask another question but then Jongin takes the pack of chips in his hand and places it in his basket, huge grin still on his face. Kyungsoo's question never makes it out, distracted by those smiling crescent moon eyes, shining brightly on him with laughter in front of aisle one. Kyungsoo has seen this smile before, but only under the dim light of the broken library light. There must be something about seeing something you've only seen in private spaces, like his letters, like Jongin's bright-eyed smile, that makes your heart miss several beats, because Kyungsoo's heart does.

"Come on, hyung," Jongin starts, smile still in place as he makes his way to the lone cashier by the door. "Let's pay."

Kyungsoo follows.

 

\--

 

The cheeky bastard got him a six-pack of banana milk.

"I want to see it in action," Jongin says with an almost giddy smile, tone light and teasing. It reminds Kyungsoo of that summer, when Jongin convinced Baekhyun that frogs can talk and the three of them spent the whole afternoon trying to catch one by the pond behind the abandoned buildings. Baekhyun didn't believe Jongin at first, of course. How can frogs talk? But soft-spoken Jongin, who just showed them his room full of impressive books on just about any topic, told Baekhyun in his most convincing voice that frogs talk like parrots do, they repeat what they hear. Baekhyun knows parrots. He's seen them talk on tv. That was how Jongin got Baekhyun and Kyungsoo run around the bank of the pond, trying to catch a frog the whole afternoon. They didn't catch a frog, of course, but they had a lot of fun, not to mention a scolding for getting their jeans muddy. The next day, Baekhyun stormed to the park in his bike and pushed Jongin down on the grass in an angry fit. Frogs can't talk, after all. But Jongin was laughing, lying down on the ground as Baekhyun shouts at him in angry Korean. Kyungsoo doesn't understand most of it but he gets the gist of it. When Baekhyun was done, Jongin looked up at him with almost tears in his eyes and said in that teasing tone, 'Hyung, you really thought frogs can talk?'. Baekhyun stormed off and didn't join them that day.

"I'm driving, I can't drink," Kyungsoo huffs out. He still can't believe Jongin got him a pack just to see him drink it all. He offered Jongin a ride home seeing as how the younger only rode his bike all the way to Hanshim. They loaded his bike in the trunk, hoping they don't get stopped on the way. The bags of snacks and canned tuna are in the back seat. Before they left the parking lot, however, Kyungsoo opened the pack of Honey Butter chips and took one of three bags and gave it to Jongin. Jongin thanked him and took the bag, still suspiciously smiling widely at him. When Jongin stuffed the chips in his grocery bag, he took out one of the six-pack banana milk he bought and handed it to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was not amused.

"Aw, hyung, are you mad?" Jongin's tone has lost the teasing lilt but it's still light. Kyungsoo looks to his right and sees Jongin pouting at him, lips pursed, eyes sad. Kyungsoo is weak.

"No, I'm not mad," Kyungsoo says with a sigh, eyes going back on the road. But he catches a glimpse of Jongin's face lighting back up at his words, making him smile. "I just think you shouldn't have gotten me a-" He hears a ruffle, and a plastic being torn and then the sound of a soft puncture. He knows what's coming even before the strawed banana milk is offered to his lips by a smiling and expectant Jongin. "I'm not drinking that."

"I'll hold it for you while you drive." Jongin makes a convincing argument, Kyungsoo will give him that. "Please, hyung? Please?"

The pout is back, Kyungsoo can tell. And the tone he's using on Kyungsoo-mellow, pleading. Dear god. Kyungsoo cannot fight the red that creeps up his neck and across his cheeks even if he tried. How is this guy the same student who humped the floor half-naked last Spring Showcase?

"Fine," Kyungsoo finally resigns to his fate, and the straw is promptly brought up to his lips. Kyungsoo takes a sip, and then another, and then some more, relishing on the familiar sweet taste of his favorite childhood drink. He's missed banana milk. Ever since he got hooked on Yakult, he's stopped buying other drinks, but tasting it again after so long feels like tasting nostalgia in liquid form. He remembers drinking a box every Saturday morning as he and Seungsoo watch Pororo on tv while their mother cleans the living room. He remembers fighting with Hyunsoo over the last carton in the fridge. He remembers waking up to see his father at 3 am on a weekend drinking a carton in the dark. It really does bring back some good memories. Before he knows it, the carton is empty and he's sipping air.

"You're smiling," Jongin observes to his right, his voice soft but clear in the silence of the car. In his periphery vision, Kyungsoo can see that Jongin is smiling too, but not the wide and teasing smile of before. This smile is soft around the edges, an easy lift of the left corner of his lips. Kyungsoo melts in his seat.

Jongin takes it upon himself to open every carton of banana milk for Kyungsoo and feed the milk to him through a straw, one after another. He seems fascinated that Kyungsoo is powering through the boxes just like he said earlier. He's gotten talkative too. He's all smiles as he recalls the time his older sister forgot to unpack their grocery bags and left them on the floor, only to find their dogs have teared through most of the contents, the banana milk they bought spilt on the tiled kitchen floor. Janggah, the youngest and smallest one, according to Jongin, was the banana milk culprit. They gave her no treats after dinner but Jongin sneaked her some because he felt bad.

Every once in a while, Jongin will bring the straw up to Kyungsoo's lips for him to drink, and then he'll resume his story like it's the most natural thing in the world. Kyungsoo feels a little spoiled and a little bit bad but if he's being honest, he could definitely get used to this-Jongin riding shotgun in his car, feeding him banana milk while telling stories upon stories of his dogs' misadventures. Jongin's face is happy, voice excited and eyes bright, that Kyungsoo forgets his problems and the answer from Jongin he is waiting for.

They arrive at Jongin's house just as the younger stabs the straw through the last carton of banana milk. There are lights on in the house, and his mom's car in the driveway.

"Looks like mom's already home," Jongin says, peering out the window as Kyungsoo slows the car down to a stop. He makes to extend the last box of milk to Kyungsoo's lips but Kyungsoo takes the carton from him before he can.

"It's okay, Jongin. I can drink it myself now," Kyungsoo says, taking a long sip of the sweet milk just as Jongin says-

"So hyung, about your proposition last lunch-"

In his surprise, Kyungsoo inhales the milk the wrong way, spluttering as the liquid enters his windpipe, burning through his nose as he tries to cough it out. Jongin is fast, immediately reaching for a tissue ply on the windshield and reaching over to wipe Kyungsoo's face, while simultaneously patting his back in soothing strokes. It feels like deja-vu.

Kyungsoo takes the tissue from Jongin, flapping his hand to convey that he needs more. The younger instantly gets what he means, handing him the whole box, his hand never leaving Kyungsoo's back. Kyungsoo bunches up tissue papers in his hand, wiping his mouth and nose, coughing and sneezing to clear up his poor airway pipes, now possibly dripping with banana milk. Jongin is there beside him, a concerned look on his face, the same one he wore yesterday when Kyungsoo choked on his tofu nugget.

When Kyungsoo's coughing finally subsides, Jongin cheekily says, "I'm sensing a pattern here."

"Maybe-" cough, "-I should stop hanging out with you. I think you're trying to get me killed by either food or drinks," Kyungsoo manages to squeak out, throat still scratchy but otherwise fine. "I'm onto you, Jongin."

Jongin laughs at that, hand still stroking Kyungsoo's back. It's soothing, the up and down motion of his warm palm against the fabric of Kyungsoo's sweater. Kyungsoo doesn't want him to stop. "I wouldn't want you dead, hyung. You know that. Especially now that you're gonna be my new boyfriend."

What.

WHAT.

Kyungsoo starts coughing again, dry heaving, almost. But this time, he reaches over to Jongin's side of the car and yanks the compartment open. He sticks his hand inside and rummages around for that bottle of water Hyunsoo stowed there last weekend. He finds it nestled at the very bottom, tugs it out, opens the cap and proceeds to drink the little water left. It tastes like stale water, the kind that's been sitting out in the open for too long. If he's gonna get sick, so be it. Kyungsoo can't die like this, choking on air.

Jongin is still rubbing his back, soothing circles that Kyungsoo appreciates, if not for the fact that it was his fault Kyungsoo has choked on both tofu nugget and banana milk, and now, even air.

"Hyung, are you okay?" Jongin's voice is as concerned as ever, face so close to Kyungsoo he can't even turn to look a the younger. "I can get you water inside, or do you want to come in for a glass?"

Kyungsoo shakes his head, straightening in his seat as gulps in air, trying to catch his breath. "I'm fi-fine. Just need a moment."

The hand on his back stops, then slides to his shoulder and squeezes. "Hyung, I'm sorry. I was going to tell you tomorrow at lunch but it just came out. Sorry."

Kyungsoo turns his head to look, now that they're not too close. Jongin's hand is still on his shoulder, hold tight, weight heavy. But he's leaned away now, looking at Kyungsoo with sorry eyes from the passenger seat. "It's okay. I was just surprised," Kyungsoo tries to smile but his throat still hurts. He manages a quirk of his lips.

Jongin withdraws his hand, placing both on his laps as he settles down on his seat. "I thought about it the whole day, what you said. And the longer I thought about it, the more it made sense. Today, during practice, the crew leader asked me to reconsider. There's a competition in November and they want me to perform a duo dance with Yixing."

There's that pinch again. Right there in his heart. "What did you say?"

"I said I'll do the dance but I won't get back with him again," Jongin sighs, shoulders dropping, eyes downcast. "They think I'm being stubborn. 'For the team', they said. But I don't know, I just can't. Not after. It's like they don't care about how I feel."

It's Kyungsoo's turn to reach over, his hand taking a hold of Jongin's on his lap. His hand is a little bit cold and damp from having had held the cartons of banana milk. Kyungsoo doesn't mind. "I'm not going to pretend to understand what's it like because I don't, but Jongin-" Kyungsoo squeezes his hand, the pad of his thumb rubbing the soft smooth skin it can reach. "-what's important is what you want. They shouldn't make you feel bad about what you want."

"I know, hyung. I get them, I really do. But I just can't do it. I hoped they would get it but it's been weeks and they're still trying to play couples counselor. And Yixing isn't helping. He talked to me after practice, asked to get a cup of coffee with him. I said no but I almost did because I feel bad always saying no," Jongin shakes his head with a sad, almost defeated, smile. "That's why I've decided, hyung. Let's go with your idea."

Hearing Jongin's answer out loud, the reality of what Kyungsoo suggested hits him. Pretend to be in a relationship to get everyone off Jongin's back, and to help Kyungsoo deal with the gossip so they both can have their own peace of mind. And in the process, Kyungsoo can finally answer his own questions, and maybe come out a new person.

Kyungsoo tightens his hold on Jongin's hand, just as his heart starts to wildly beat in his chest. They're really doing it. It's really going to happen.

"Hyung, aren't you gonna finish that last carton of banana milk?"

Kyungsoo does.

 

\--

 

They decide to talk about the logistics of their plan in their hiding spot. Today, however, the space is noticeably brighter. The bulb has finally been fixed.

Kyungsoo arrives earlier than Jongin today so he lays down his macbook on the table and readies his movie queue. He takes out his packed lunch, grabs one _onigiri_ and presses play on the winter special of Black Mirror.

He woke up earlier than he did yesterday, knowing he has to pack lunch for five people. His dad seemed delighted when he checked his lunch when Kyungsoo handed it to him. Hyunsoo was even more excited, already taking one in the car and munching on it on their way to school. Kyungsoo gave Baekhyun his share during study hall which prompted a lot of exaggerated squealing and thank you's. And now, eating his first piece of the rice balls, Kyungsoo can say he definitely did a great job. He added a smidge of _gochujang_ and finely chopped _kimchi_ to the tuna mayo mix, then stirred in a some _kimchi_ juice to finish. As an afterthought, he scooped a dollop of creme fraiche at the very last minute, which added a creamy and tangy flavor profile to the otherwise boring tuna mayo. He hopes Jongin likes it.

Jongin arrives a few minutes into the special, Kyungsoo so engrossed in the film that he doesn't notice the younger strolling in and sitting right across from him until there's a tap on his foot, then a warmth that slithers across his calf. Kyungsoo jolts in his seat, eyes going wide as he yanks the earphones from his ears.

"Jongin!" he hisses. "You fucking scared me!"

Jongin just shushes him with a finger on his lips, a playful smile on his face, his crescent moon eyes laughing. He retracts his foot from Kyungsoo's, taking the warmth with him as he straightens in his seat and eyes the tupperware of little _onigiris_ wrapped in _kim_. "Lunch?"

Kyungsoo nods with a scowl which only makes Jongin smile wider. Kyungsoo pushes the rice balls towards him and he immediately reaches for one, biting into it immediately.

The moan that escapes Jongin's lips is almost obscene. Drawn out and low that stirs an ember in the pit of Kyungsoo's stomach. Kyungsoo swallows the mouthful of rice he was chewing, hoping that takes away the heat that jolted in his gut. Jongin's face looks blissed out with his eyes closed, mouth chewing slowly as he savors his bite. The sight only doubles the effect on Kyungsoo, making him reach for the bottle of water in his bag, suddenly feeling very warm and thirsty.

Kyungsoo has already drank half the bottle when Jongin opens his eyes, looks straight at him and says, with all the seriousness in his voice, "Hyung, I could kiss you right now."

Thankfully, there is nothing for Kyungsoo to choke on this time, so his eyes only goes wide like saucers as he tips the bottle of water back to his lips and takes a few more gulps to wash the heat away. They haven't even started and Kyungsoo already feels like a ticking volcano.

"You have to stop saying shit like that, Jongin," Kyungsoo reprimands, reaching for another _onigiri_ and pushing the rest towards Jongin. Jongin doesn't seem all that bothered. He's just smiling as he chews his food, swaying slightly in his seat in happiness. "You really like it?"

Jongin chucks the whole rice ball into his mouth as an answer, nodding eagerly, still doing his happy dance in his seat. Kyungsoo's cheeks lift up to a huge grin. His efforts to make lunch as delicious as he can seems to be worth the trouble of waking up an hour and a half earlier than usual.

Jongin is still chewing but he's already reaching for another one. "I thought the egg sandwich yesterday was delicious, and they were, trust me they were. Mom loved them. But hyung, this is like something you can sell to people and they'd pay good money for it. This is what you bought last night, right? The canned tuna and the _kim_?But how does it taste so… different? Like, expensive?"

Kyungsoo feels his ego pump up a bit at that. "Just _gochujang_ and _kimchi_ ," he shrugs, as if it's no big deal, like he didn't spend close to thirty minutes mixing sauces until he arrived to that perfect balance Jongin is eating right now. "But you gave your mom one?"

"Yeah, saved one for her last night," Jongin waves his wrist like it's so obvious he would, how could Kyungsoo think otherwise. "She loved it. I told her you found the recipe on youtube. She was impressed. I can't wait for her to try this though. Can I take one home for her?"

"Of course. I have some leftover mayo mix at home. Let me get one more after I finish this bit and the rest is yours," Kyungsoo offers, looking at the container and counting six more.

"Wait, really?" Jongin looks excitedly at the container and then back up at Kyungsoo. "Hyung, you're spoiling me too much."

"I don't hear you saying no," Kyungsoo observes with a soft chuckle.

"With food this good, who would?"

Jongin finishes his remaining four _onigiris_ , putting the tupperware with the last one for his mom in his bag. Kyungsoo isn't full yet, he's only had three, but the joy on Jongin's face as he eats something Kyungsoo labored over was well worth the small sacrifice.

Kyungsoo clears the table of any errant rice grains that may have fallen while Jongin finishes his bottle of water. "Hyung, I was thinking…"

"Hm?"

"What if… we don't go through with the plan?" Jongin looks thoughtful, eyes spotting the newly changed overhead bulb. "Looks like they finally changed the light bulb, huh?"

"Yeah, this place isn't as secluded now. Some students might start sitting here soon when they find out the light's been fixed, but-" Kyungsoo bunches the trash into a tight fist and wraps them in paper to throw away later. "-what do you mean not go through with the plan? You don't want to do it anymore?"

Kyungsoo doesn't know how to feel about that. Last night, he came to terms with the fact that he's going to pseudo-come out to people even before he's absolutely sure. And in high school too, no less. Although spending more time with Jongin has somehow made him more aware of his thoughts, of the very real possibility that he is, indeed, attracted to boys. Very much so. He wants to test that out, find out more. This is the perfect opportunity without tying himself to something as solid as a real relationship. So he decided last night that yes, he's doing this and yes, he's gonna do it right. It was both a terrifying and exciting moment of resolution as he laid down on his bed last night, drunk on banana milk.

"No! Well, yes- I mean-"

"No, you don't want to do it anymore or yes, I don't want to do it anymore?"

"Neither?" Jongin sheepishly asks. "Hyung, it's like this, yeah? It's a great idea for me. I will benefit from it. But for you? What if after all of this you realize you're not… gay? Or bi? You can't just undo this, you know? This isn't something you do just to try it out. This is serious and important and hyung- _just_ , are you sure?"

Kyungsoo gets it. He's thought about that too last night. What if he isn't? And this is all just for nothing? But all he could think of then was Jongin's face, his boyish smile that turns a tad bit shy whenever Kyungsoo teases him, his crescent moon eyes that has plagued Kyungsoo's thoughts and recently, even his dreams. In Kyungsoo's mind's eyes, it was pretty clear. This thing, this feeling, whatever it is, this is real. And this plan is just his way to confirm without the strings that can tear him down when they break. Everything else, he'll worry about after.

"Yes, I'm sure," Kyungsoo says with conviction. He pulls his macbook closer to him, types and clicks a few keys until he finds out what he's looking for. He opens the document and turns the screen around so both he and Jongin could see. "So sure, in fact, that I drafted this up last night."

Jongin reaches into his bag to pull out his round glasses and slides them on, squinting at the screen to see. Kyungsoo ignores how good Jongin looks with his specs on. He concentrates on the screen instead. "CONTRACT?" Jongin reads the heading out with a question in his voice. "You wrote a contract with terms for this?"

Kyungsoo shrugs, adjusting his own glasses high up on his nose. "I thought it's better to be clear from the beginning so I typed this up before bed." Jongin leans over again, closer to the screen as he silently reads through the terms Kyungsoo wrote down. There isn't a lot. Kyungsoo only listed three and they're all pretty common sense stuff. Jongin, however, looks amused. "You don't look impressed."

"Oh no, not that," Jongin chuckles as he takes off his glasses and folds them back into his bag. "I just think it's too formal? Serious? To have these written out. At least you didn't print it and have us sign the pact with our blood, I guess," he chuckles.

"I thought of that," Kyungsoo deadpans, causing both of Jongin's eyebrows to raise above his fringe. "But I thought bloodletting is unsanitary."

Jongin looks like he believed him for all of two seconds until he breaks into a smile of his own. Kyungsoo thinks Jongin is finally getting his humor. "That it is," Jongin agrees.

"So I thought a digital copy would be better. We'll both sign it, I'll save it as a pdf file then I'll email us both a copy. More convenient."

"So you're not actually a grandpa when it comes to technology?" Jongin asks him, fake shock on his face. "Hey, don't give me that look. That's one of the things that's been going around, you know? I heard one that goes as far as to say that you have no phone."

"Well, I'll have you know that my grandma and grandpa in Korea use katalk to talk to me and my brothers, and Skype to talk to my dad," Kyungsoo points out. "Technology isn't just for the young, Jongin."

"I think they're just saying that because they still can't trace you online," Jongin guesses. "I tried searching you too. All I got was some public post from some people on Facebook who mentioned you."

"Nosy cousins, I bet," Kyungsoo shrugs, puling his laptop back to him. "Do you want to add anything to these? Before we sign them."

Jongin sits for a while and thinks. "Well, you already mentioned how no one can know about this and until when we're doing it for which covers all the basics, I guess." He brings his arm up on the table and props his chin on the palm of his hand, looking thoughtfully at Kyungsoo. "But, hyung, what do you think about kissing?"

Kyungsoo's eyes go wide a second time, blush traveling fast across the map of his neck up to his face and over his ears. "What?"

"Well, you said you were curious."

"That I did, but-"

Kyungsoo hasn't thought that far into this plan. When Jongin clarified that the help he is offering was not of the sexual variety, Kyungsoo pushed that line of thought as far away back into his mind as possible. The mentoring and exploration in his head was more along the lines of talking and answering Kyungsoo's questions. Not kissing.

Although he has thought of kissing Jongin. Multiple times. That was what started this all, after all, wanting to kiss Jongin when he was 13 that summer afternoon in his basement. But now? He doesn't know. This was supposed to be a trial, a transition. But… Jongin does have a point.

"How about we-" Kyungsoo reaches to his neck to tug at his shirt. He's not visibly sweating, is he? That would be embarrassing. Kissing and he's already acting like this. Jongin will think he's inexperienced, which he is, but Kyungsoo's not about to just broadcast that out. "-just take things as they go?"

"Hm," Jongin hums, eyes trailing down to Kyungsoo's lips. Kyungsoo feels his gaze on him. His lips tingle, prompting his tongue to involuntarily swipe out to lick the static away. His ears are burning hot. He must look like a proper tomato right now. He's been doing a whole lot of blushing around Jongin and it's only been a few days. Is it just the attention or is it pure attraction? When they were younger, Kyungsoo knew it was the attention he liked. That it was Jongin's eyes always on him that gave him the confidence to go out more, explore the world. But that was then and this is now. The now, Kyungsoo wants to find out. Maybe kissing isn't that bad of an idea. But he won't tell Jongin that.

"What?"

"I was just thinking." Jongin is still looking at him. Not on his lips anymore but just at him, the way he always used to do when they were younger, the gaze that Kyungsoo was familiar with and is trying to re-familiarize with now.

"Of?"

"Nothing," Jongin moves then, leaning back on his chair with his arms folded across his chest, a slight frown on his face. "Your answer just reminded me of something."

Jongin doesn't look like he wants to talk about it so Kyungsoo doesn't press further. Instead, he begins to finalize the document, typing away. He was just about to send it to his email so they can both sign it on his ipad when Jongin moves.

"Wait, can we add more?" Jongin is leaning against the table again, tugging the macbook back into position between them. The frown on his face is already gone, like it was never really there. Kyungsoo wonders. "Like more personal things? Not just in general."

"Like what?"

"Well, I was hoping you'd come to our shows. Which isn't a lot. We only have the Winter Fundraising event and the competition next month," Jongin lists on his hand. Kyungsoo knows all of this, of course. He's gone to every event Jongin has danced in. But he doesn't want to disclose that information. Not yet, anyway. "Plus, it will also help if you start coming to practice."

"Your dance practice? With everyone there? With Yixing?"

Jongin nods.

Well, Kyungsoo supposes that's the point of this, after all. "You know, I didn't join any club because I hate club activities."

Jongin smiles at that, "You're not gonna do any club activities, hyung. You're just gonna stand there and be a good supportive boyfriend." Jongin wiggles an eyebrow at the word 'boyfriend' which prompts Kyungsoo to kick him lightly on the shin. "Ow! What was that for? When we sign that digital contract of yours, we're officially gonna be boyfriends."

"I know," Kyungsoo hisses out, Jongin chuckling at his reaction. "No need to say it twice."

"Say what? Boyfriends?"

Kyungsoo kicks him again. Jongin just laughs soundlessly into his hands, trying his best not to make as much noise as possible to not get the warning bell. He's hunched over the table, his eyes not visible, swallowed by the laughter in his cheeks and the wide curve of his lips. Kyungsoo can't help it. He smiles.

"Fine, fine. Quit it, will you?" Kyungsoo repeatedly taps Jongin's foot under the table to quiet him down. Jongin eventually straightens back into his seat but there's still a huge smile on his face. "I'll come to your shows but I don't know about practice. I have to pick Hyunsoo up from school after class, plus I usually cook dinner so I can't stay late."

"I haven't thought of that," Jongin pouts at the screen, thinking. Kyungsoo tries his hardest not to look at Jongin's plump lips jutting out but he still does. Jongin has nice lips, Kyungsoo decides. He's looked before but the bright light overhead highlights it perfectly in this angle. Kyungsoo knows he has a problem. "Is there a day you don't pick Hyunsoo up?"

"Mondays and Wednesdays. He has track practice so he comes home late. But I still need to come home to cook dinner," Kyungsoo reasons. "Why is it so important I come to your practice anyway?"

"Hm, it's like this. Gay couple in high school, right? There isn't a lot of options for us. We can't just make out against our lockers or have you sit on my lap or me sit on your lap in the middle of the cafeteria. Sure, that might be fine for some but it can also make you feel uncomfortable. I mean, we're lucky enough to be in a liberal school district but it's still high school, you know? We got a diverse population here but sometimes that can either be a good thing or a bad thing. So like, be yourself but also, you don't have to make your sexuality a statement," Jongin chuckles as he shrugs. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that, unlike how some popular media portrays it, coming out doesn't have to be an event. And sometimes, how you feel or who you are doesn't even need to have a label. That's why I keep asking you if you're sure. Because hyung, you don't have to do this now or ever, really, especially if you're only doing it to be sure. No one here is entitled to know if you like boys or girls or whoever and this is certainly not a race."

Come to think of it, Kyungsoo doesn't exactly remember how Jongin and Yixing became a known couple. He just heard it from Baekhyun but there was no information as to how it happened, how or if they announced it or if people just naturally found out. Hearing this from Jongin now, Kyungsoo is amazed at the younger's words, how he was able to succinctly answer and quell a lot of Kyungsoo's own unvoiced questions and fears, even without meaning to. He said he wanted to do this because he was curious, because he wanted answers, and because the person he ran away from for making him question himself found him somehow and is now willing to give him answers and help him through this. Kyungsoo is really thankful to Jongin. Truly. Truthfully.

"I didn't know you can sound so…" Kyungsoo thinks of the most fitting word. Jongin looks like a young adult, laughs like a child, dances like a man but thinks like a granddad who's lived many years.

"Smart?"

"Wise is more what I was going for, I guess."

"Well, I watch a lot of youtube," Jongin justifies. Kyungsoo may be making his judge-y face because the younger quickly adds, "And I read a lot of books!"

"If you say so," Kyungsoo pretends not to believe him. Jongin pretends to look offended but then smiles.

"Okay, if you can't today, I guess you can just drop me off the studio later then. You don't have to stay. The crew will see you. Yixing will see you. They'll automatically assume and ask me. I'll confirm and before you get home, the news will have spread already," Jongin tells him, predicting how things will play out. "They'll want to meet you, of course. But we don't have to do that now. The goal is to get them off my back and let me focus on practice instead of trying to pester me about giving Yixing another chance."

"And Yixing?" Kyungsoo wants to know. Seeing Jongin so frustrated and agitated in the parking lot made Kyungsoo more than irritated with the guy.

"I'll talk to him. This time, I have you as an excuse," Jongin smiles and Kyungsoo immediately feels better. "How about you?"

"Me? Well, when the word gets out, the gossips will kick up a notch but they'll fizzle out. They always do. I'll feel better about it though because this time I have control over it. I mean, I can't control the rumors, of course, but like, I started this, you know? We started it." It sounds more coherent in Kyungsoo's head but out loud it sounds like gibberish. Jongin nods, however. "Plus I get to talk to you out there now. Not that we can't talk out there before but, this time I won't feel like I'm being watched and judged for something that's false."

"You'll still be watched," Jongin points out with a chuckle.

"Well yeah, but this time it's not false. It's partly true. And it's of my own doing. There's a difference," Kyungsoo corrects him, pulling the laptop back in front of him and typing the practice clause out.

"All this secret planning and mind chess reminds me of my favorite book, actually," Jongin shares, his eyes brightening again. Kyungsoo noticed that Jongin's eyes contain a natural shine to them. They light up when he's eating, when he's laughing, when he's talking about something he's passionate about. Kyungsoo finds it endearing. "It's pretty exciting."

"You still read?" Kyungsoo is not surprised. Jongin is taking all AP classes and from what Baekhyun has shared, has been acing all of them. Jongin is one of those nerds who also happens to be tall, handsome and talented all wrapped up in one. Or more commonly known as 'unfair'.

"Of course. You remember my wall of books at home? It's grown since then. Got more books, got bigger shelves. Probably the size of a whole wall now." Jongin brags about his books like Kyungsoo brags about his pictures or his movies or his food, like they're his babies. Kyungsoo connects with that.

Of course Kyungsoo remembers the wall of books. Jongin invited him and Baekhyun over for a sleep over. Baekhyun didn't want to go because he said they're already too old to do sleepovers but Kyungsoo didn't have the heart to reject the offer, knowing Jongin just arrived and he had no friends other than him and Baekhyun. It was hard to communicate then, with Kyungsoo's awkward Korean and Jongin's accented English, but they made it work. They spent the night going through Jongin's rooms and looking at his books. Jongin bragged about the various interesting books he got on astronomy, anatomy, minerals and even history. They were all in Korean, of course, and Kyungsoo couldn't read much of it so Jongin spent a good portion of the night reading some of the books and translating interesting passages into English for Kyungsoo. The smell of old books and the gentle voice reading to him reminded Kyungsoo of his mother, and how she would read him bedtime stories before bed. Kyungsoo missed his mother then, and he remembers getting teary-eyed while Jongin told him about the disappearance of the ancient Mayan civilization. It was Kyungsoo's first sleepover, but it wasn't his last. He returned for a few more before the summer ended and Kyungsoo became a coward.

"Which book? It's not some spy book, is it?" Kyungsoo finishes the draft, saving it and emailing it.

"Nah, it's a detective slash mystery book. The Devotion of Suspect X by Keigo Higashino."

"Never heard of it," Kyungsoo shrugs but Jongin looks scandalized.

"No. Hyung, I'm sure you've heard of it."

"Nope."

"They made three movies out of it! I'm sure you've watched them. Although, admittedly, I didn't because movies always never live up to the source material-"

"Okay hold up! That's not true. Stephen King has a ton of movies made out of his books and I've read reviews. Some movies were rated to be better than the book like Stand By Me or The Body, Shawshank Redemption-"

"Those are short stories-"

"-regardless, Forrest Gump, The Godfather, the original Blade Runner… the list goes on."

"Well yeah but how can you be so sure they're better if you've never read the source material?!"

"Well, how can you be so sure they don't live up to the source material if you've never even watched them?!"

They stare at each other for a full second until they hear the tinkling of a bell from up front. They were too loud.

It's Kyungsoo who breaks into a grin first, Jongin follows. They burst into soft giggles after that. Kyungsoo's foot colliding with Jongin's under the table and staying there for the warmth.

"Is that our first couple fight?" Jongin asks when he's calmed down enough.

"We haven't signed the contract first though, wait," Kyungsoo hurries to type something, keys clacking as he goes. He then takes his ipad out from his backpack, taps a few times then pulls the document out. He reads through the terms one more time, a small smile on his face. When he gets to the bottom, he signs with his finger. It's a crude representation of a true business transaction without the e-signatures. When he's done, Kyungsoo hands the tablet to Jongin who takes it and reads the terms himself. When he gets to the bottom, his smile widens.

"You're providing popcorn. Deal?" Jongin's finger hovers over the screen, poised to sign.

"Popcorn for movie nights? Psh. Amateur. I'll make more of the egg sandwiches and the _onigiri_ -"

Jongin signs before Kyungsoo can finish his sentence.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo waits by Miyeon's locker after his last class, a few straggling students milling around the otherwise empty corridor. Almost everyone is already in their own respective classrooms. Jongin has 6th period before dance practice so he has time to spare. Besides, Kyungsoo wants to tie all the loose ends before he heads to battle.

He doesn't have to wait long. Miyeon emerges from the corner carrying her guitar on her back, the black case dwarfing her petite frame. She sees her as she nears, a question in her face.

"Hi, Miyeon," Kyungsoo greets, moving away as she stops in front of her locker to give her space. "Haven't talked to you in a long time."

If this was before, Kyungsoo would have smiled at the familiar lilac scent wafting from her shampoo, something he's associated to hanging out with her and his brother in the kitchen, baking cookies or making dinner. But now it just reminds Kyungsoo of his brother's tired face that night he broke up with her, and the disappointment in his voice when he told him why.

Miyeon still hasn't acknowledged him. She's rummaging inside her locker, pushing books aside.

"I need my letter back," Kyungsoo tells her, straight to the point, something they both share. Kyungsoo doesn't see the need to talk around it. Miyeon knows the letter must be old. It's the most recent Kyungsoo wrote so he hasn't completely forgotten most of its contents. He knows he's mentioned his brother in the letter, and how he's letting her crush on her die that day because of him and some other cringey narrative about letting go. Kyungsoo is admittedly not a writer. He does not have the talent for it.

Miyeon doesn't respond for awhile, still rummaging inside her locker for few moments until she pulls the green envelope from its depths with a soft curse. She turns, face rather expressionless, and leans over the open door, handing him the envelope. Kyungsoo takes it. It was thinner than the one Jongin gave back to him, but thicker than the one that didn't make it to camp. "Here. I read everything but I guess I shouldn't have. Was it Hyunsoo?"

Kyungsoo nods and Miyeon smiles a small little smile.

"I miss that kid," she sighs, closing her locker door and leaning a shoulder against it. "The letter read more like a goodbye than a love letter. So if you're worried I might misunderstand, don't."

"I wasn't," Kyungsoo lies. He was worried. He was worried Miyeon would misunderstand, that she'd misinterpret the letter as interest when it wasn't. He wanted to make sure she understood that the letter getting to her was a mistake. That he didn't mean anything by it. That whatever he felt for her was in the past, that it was as fleeting as that summer was. Kyungsoo is glad he didn't have to explain. Kyungsoo drops the letter in his back pocket and says, "Thanks, Miyeon." He waves goodbye and Miyeon nods at him.

Kyungsoo makes it a few steps away, two lockers away, before Miyeon calls his name. He turns back and sees Miyeon's face scrunched up in a grimace. She asks, "How is Seungsoo?"

Oh. Kyungsoo doesn't want to hurt her but he also wants to tell her the truth. Seungsoo has been happier since he got settled in Korea. When he was here, after the break up and before he flew away, Seungsoo was still visibly hung up on her, like he could drive to her house any time and take his words back. But Seungsoo didn't. Kyungsoo knows how important Korea is to him. Seungsoo was understandably homesick the first few weeks. But lately, as the fall term started and he's met more friends, developed a new routine and established a new life separate from his old one, Kyungsoo saw that Seungsoo was happier, brighter. Maybe he still misses Miyeon, and maybe he still loves her the way he did before, but Kyungsoo knows none of those things. Seungsoo never told him. All Kyungsoo knows is what he sees. But he can't tell her all that.

"He's doing great." Kyungsoo settles with something simple. "He's settled in nicely."

Miyeon's face doesn't change. She just nods slowly. "That's good to hear." She stands there for a couple of seconds, just staring at a spot behind Kyungsoo's head. "Well, I gotta get going then. Glee club in a few."

"Yeah of course. See you around?" Kyungsoo waves as he steps back.

"Yeah, see you around," Miyeon turns back the way she came, steps quick. She disappears when she turns the same corner.

Kyungsoo heads towards Jongin's classroom.

 

\--

 

People are staring. This is the AP classes hallway and Kyungsoo isn't taking any AP classes. Of course he's been here before. He's accompanied Seungsoo a few times to his rooms last year, hung out with him before classes. Sometimes, he'd wait by the bulletin board beside Seungsoo's room so they can go to the car together after. No one paid any attention to him then, no matter how long he stayed. No one knew him then. Today, however, people are looking at him. Some, not all, but there nonetheless. Kyungsoo ignores them.

The first day, the stares were unnerving. Kyungsoo felt scrutinized. And the whispers, they sounded like malice-tinted hushed sentences to his ears. He hated the thought of not knowing what they were saying, of how they were assuming things out of his reach and control. He felt powerless to be the subject of gossips and rumors. He wondered how it must have been for the people he's heard about from Baekhyun, how they dealt with the knowledge that people talked about them behind their backs, that no matter what they do, the information is already out there and out of their reach. Kyungsoo felt bad. They were mere names to him then, but thinking of them in this light, knowing what's it like to be on the other side, he sees them as persons, people who have dealt with the public judgement involuntarily and lived through it. Kyungsoo knows he can too. Today, he's taking control with however little way he can.

People are walking past him by the board, some looking, some don't. He knows no one and no one approaches him. He maintains an indifferent face, not making eye-contact with anyone, instead looking at the hallway through a zoomed-out lens, no focus. He hitches his backpack higher up his shoulders, adjust his glasses up the bridge of his nose, and waits.

It's not long before Kyungsoo spots him. There, among the sea of black and auburn, blonde and red, Kyungsoo sees a towering head of dark brown hair. Kyungsoo has spent his lunch period with him just a few hours ago but that was there, in a place that only they exist, and this is here, out in the open where people will see, where people who have been talking about them will see.

Kyungsoo breathes, his heart on overdrive, skin on fire. He can do this. Breathe.

Jongin sees him then, and the younger's whole face lights up, sunshine smile going wide and eyes shining bright. "Hyung!" Jongin calls to him in Korean, long long legs walking the short distance to where Kyungsoo is rooted by the wall, hands gripping the straps of his backpack like a lifeline. He can do this, he repeats in his head. _'You'll do great.'_

Jongin reaches him in a second and it feels like a dream when Kyungsoo smiles up at him, not as wide as Jongin's, nor as bright, but just the right kind of smile that masks his nerves, as haywire as they are. "Hey, Jongin," he breathes out, swallows. There are eyes on them. He feels like teetering off balance, like his soul would tip out any minute, an out of body experience in the middle of the day in a crowded high school hallway.

Jongin can probably see the panic in his eyes because Jongin's face turns soft, his smile turns tender and his eyes grow concerned. No, Kyungsoo thinks to himself. He's doing this. He's made this decision. He'll see it through. So he reaches in front of him, hand going up to rest on the low ride of Jongin's hip. His anchor. To keep him grounded. To keep him sane. Jongin's eyes widen a fraction at the touch but he doesn't move away. Instead, he steps into Kyungsoo's personal space, smile still in place.

"Hyung, you're doing great," Jongin tells him, eyes so very sincere. Kyungsoo feels his throat constrict tightly at the words, heart squeezing in his chest. He remembers Seungsoo's words to him that night in the kitchen, when his older brother told him to enjoy his junior year, to reconnect with old friends and make new ones. Seungsoo was sure then that Kyungsoo will do great. But Kyungsoo didn't believe him. To hear the words come from Jongin right now, at a time when Kyungsoo feels like he's just crossed the line of questions into statements, Kyungsoo feels reassured. He's doing great, Seungsoo. Jongin told him so.

"Really?" Kyungsoo asks, the hand on Jongin's waist feels like scorching heat against the fabric. It's like tunnel vision. The panoramic zoomed-out lens from before feels like a fish-eyed filter now. All he focuses on is Jongin-his face, his eyes, his smile. Kyungsoo squeezes the the hip he holds in his hand and sees Jongin smile in return. Kyungsoo immediately feels better. Not perfectly well, but better. He breathes and smiles up, tries to copy the easy lift of Jongin's lips and says, "Let's go?"

"Let's go."

They go.

 

\--

 

Sometimes, things don't go according to plan.

Kyungsoo and Jongin ends up leaving school, walking through the crowds with Kyungsoo pressed to Jongin's side, his hand never leaving Jongin's hip as the navigate through the mass of students milling around and about. Jongin literally serves as his anchor, as they weave in and out of bodies and stares, whispers following their wake. Kyungsoo maintains an impassive face, staring straight ahead. Beside him, Jongin is a warm reminder of what attention is. Kyungsoo realizes, as they make their way through the wide double doors, down the stairs and across the parking lot with every head turning as they pass, that the attention he's been receiving and enduring was that of a side-character, a name in the credits that flashes by in a flash in between the front-runners. In this rumor, the front-runner is Jongin Kim and he's handling it with grace. Kyungsoo feels both awe and admiration at how the younger holds his head up high, easy smile in place, long long legs matching Kyungsoo's pace.

When they get to Kyungsoo's car, he reluctantly lets go of Jongin, already missing the heat and the comfort he provides. The afternoon air has begun to turn chilly, October officially welcoming autumn properly than September did. The trees are yet to fully change color, a gradient of green and yellows, red and browns dotting the mass of leaves ahead. There's a soft wind blowing through the parking lot and among the cars littered around. Kyungsoo shivers, opening the car door as Jongin does the same on the other side.

Kyungsoo heaves out a huge breath of air when he settles down inside, arms going up on the steering wheel to lean onto something solid. "That was… different," is all he can muster, the adrenaline dissipating draining his body from its high.

"Do you want me to drive?" Jongin offers with that tender tone of his again. He must have noticed Kyungsoo's still a little bit shaken.

"No, it's okay. I just need a moment," Kyungsoo looks at him with reassurance, smiling to show that he is indeed fine, just frazzled. "I just… didn't think it would be that hard. To put myself out there like that. I felt… naked, almost," he laughs a nervous little laugh, letting the tension escape him. "I don't know. It was like a dream sequence. Like, I wasn't really there but just watching it happen."

"But are you okay?" Jongin asks, persistent.

"Yes, I'm okay." Kyungsoo likes that Jongin's main concern is still him. That with all the attention and the whispers, it's Kyungsoo he's worried of and not himself. Kyungsoo's heart warms at the thought. He owes the younger a lot. He doesn't know if thanking him will be enough. "Thanks, Jongin. For being there. You really helped me."

"I didn't do anything, really. That was all you, hyung," Jongin tells him, and Kyungsoo feels his heart swell with affection. How does Jongin do it, say the sweetest things with the most sincere face. "I was serious when I said it. You did great."

Kyungsoo did great.

"Thank you," he swallows the sudden lump in his throat, feeling the tell-tale signs of would-be tears forming along the corners of his eyes. He's not going to cry, but he allows the emotions to sweep across him and carry him over. Normally, he would try to block them out, focus on the logic and the rhetoric. Seungsoo and Hyunsoo hates watching movies with him because he always ends up analyzing the details and the actions instead of feeling the emotions the movies were delivering. This isn't a movie, however. This is his life and today, he just erased the thick line he has drawn around himself to hide behind. Kyungsoo feels that he deserves to be overwhelmed by his own feelings, even just this once. "I feel better now. Relieved, actually. I know it's cliche but… it's like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, you know? When we were walking, the whispers, they didn't bother me as much. Because I know what they were saying. Because I was the one who decided that. It feels… good. Freeing."

Jongin smiles at that, his eyes scrunching up along the corners into those familiar crescent moons that Kyungsoo loves. "I'm glad, hyung. I'm really proud of you."

Kyungsoo smiles back.

Jongin sends a message to their crew's group chat.

_> > sory guys. skipping today. my boyfriend's taking me out 2 dinner._

 

\--

 

They don't go out to dinner, of course. Instead, Kyungsoo drives them straight back home.

It's a Wednesday so Hyunsoo has practice until later which means he'll most likely crash at a friend's house for dinner. Meanwhile, his father sent Kyungsoo a message that he's needed at the clinic today which means he'll head to the non-profit after his shift at the hospital where he'll also stay for dinner with the nurses and staff. The clinic staff usually orders take-out but sometimes it's a potluck and Kyungsoo cooks something for his father to bring. They particularly love his Korean fried _yangnyeom_ chicken which he packs with his mint cream cheese dip. According to his father, it's always the tray that gets emptied first. Usually, when this happens, Kyungsoo just eats whatever leftover there is in the fridge or if there's none, he orders a box of pizza and eats it alone on the couch watching reruns of whatever variety show is on KBS. Today, however, Jongin is here with him. Leftovers and pizza won't do.

"Make yourself comfortable," Kyungsoo says as he takes his light coat off and hangs it on rack by the door. He takes Jongin's and hangs it beside his. He walks to the couch to put his backpack down. Jongin does the same.

"I haven't been here in a long time." Jongin walks into the living room, looking at the furniture and the pictures that line the mantel and covers the walls. He has a wistful look on his face as he goes around and looks at each frame. "Nothing much changed. Except the couch. And these pictures."

When Jongin was first here before, all those summers ago, Kyungsoo took him on a tour around the living room and told him each story behind every photo framed and hanging on the wall. There were photos of Kyungsoo and his brothers, in varying stages of height and growth. There were some of Kyungsoo when he was a toddler, when he was a baby, when he was in kindergarten. Some at home, some on vacations. There were also photos of his mother in her beautiful wedding gowns, both in the white flowing dress and the colorful traditional _hanbok_. Kyungsoo personally likes the _hanbok_ one better because it shows her smiling widely at the camera with her lips in a heart-shaped smile, the same as his own. His father said the white gown was for the wedding day and the _hanbok_ was for a pre-nuptial photoshoot they did to give the guests as souvenirs. Kyungsoo liked that idea, that photographs can contain memories and be given away to share with others. So when Jongin came over that weekend, Kyungsoo introduced each memory to Jongin like he was a part of it. Of course, Kyungsoo only heard the stories from his father or Seungsoo, some from his grandma and aunts when they came to visit, but Kyungsoo liked how Jongin was interested and attentive, listening carefully to Kyungsoo as he tells him each story. Later, when Jongin came home, his father said he's never seen Kyungsoo talk so much before.

"Yeah, we added some new ones over the years. Not much though," Kyungsoo tells him, padding across the living room to the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?" Kyungsoo opens the fridge, looking through the freezer to see if they still have chicken meat available and sees that there's some boneless chicken thighs and a chunk of breast on the bottom. They still have half a block of mozzarella too. "Is _dakgalbi_ okay?"

Jongin was still in the living room, looking at the photos, but at the mention of chicken, he immediately comes over and joins Kyungsoo in the kitchen, an excited look on his face. "Did I hear chicken?"

"Yup, there's chicken in your future if you help me cook dinner," Kyungsoo says, taking out the chicken and the cheese. He reaches inside the crisper and takes out a head of garlic, a cut of ginger, a stalk of green onion, _gochukaru_ , _gochujang_ and the pack of leftover _tteok_ slices.

"I can't cook though," Jongin says from the counter, a little sheepish. But he's already rolling the sleeves of his cardigan up to his elbows, walking to the sink to wash his hands to help. "I hope I don't ruin it."

"It's hard to ruin _dalkgalbi_ , really," Kyungsoo shrugs, placing the ingredients on the counter and going to the shelves to pick out the condiments for the sauce-soy sauce, rice syrup and cooking oil. He prepares the chopping boards and the knives for them to use. "You just chop a few things, mix them all in one pan and then leave them on the stove. In half an hour, sometimes less, it's done."

"You make it sound so easy, hyung, but I know cooking takes talent." Jongin joins him on the counter again, hands washed now. "And you, you have talent."

"I don't have talent," Kyungsoo corrects him, handing Jongin the wooden board and one of the knives. "I just follow instructions really well." He pushes the chicken towards Jongin. "Here, just dice these into one inch cubes while I prepare the sauce. Make sure to curve your knuckles when you cut. I don't like fingers with my chicken."

That earns a chuckle from Jongin who takes the chicken wordlessly and begins his assigned task quietly. Kyungsoo can tell that he's not used to using knives, hacking and sawing at the chicken meat instead of slicing through it. But Kyungsoo doesn't tell him off, enjoying the way Jongin is concentrating on his knuckles, eyes trained on the blade as he works. Kyungsoo begins mincing his garlic and ginger, mixing his syrups and soy sauce, but once in a while he glances at Jongin and sees his slow progress, the mangled chicken cubes that are mismatched in sizes and the look of utter focus on the younger's face. It puts a small tiny smile on his face.

"Hyung?" Jongin starts, working on the chicken breast last. His knife cuts through the white meat easier than it did with the dark meat. Kyungsoo is happy to see progress.

"Hm?" Kyungsoo hums. He gives his red sauce a final mix with a spoon and sets it aside to work on cubing the mozzarella. "Why?"

"I was just wondering why…" Jongin hesitates for a second, his knife stopping for a while. "-why your dad never took down any of your mother's pictures."

"Oh," Kyungsoo stops cutting too. He looks up at Jongin and sees the younger looking back at him with a serious look on his face. No one has ever asked Kyungsoo that before. Not even Baekhyun who likes to poke his nose into anything and everything when he comes over. Of course, Kyungsoo has thought about it. It's not uncommon to leave pictures of deceased family members up. It's a way to remember them. But the pictures left up are usually just a choice few. Kyungsoo's father, however, didn't take down any of his mother's old photos. Everything that was there, he left hanging where they were when she passed away. From pictures of when they were in university in Korea, the colors faded and off-white, to pictures of them on vacations, in front of the house when they just bought it, to them on the couch on Christmas morning, to pictures of his mother in a nightgown for a party they went to years ago. All pictures were there, none taken down. "I guess it's because dad wants to keep her memories alive. It's probably why he told us the story behind each one. So we know and never forget. So we can grow up seeing her smiling at us, even if it's just from photos."

Jongin looks thoughtful, almost sad but more melancholic. Kyungsoo was just about to ask what's wrong when Jongin smiles at him, the light not reaching his eyes. "My dad he…" Jongin sighs, breathes. "-he passed away last year."

Kyungsoo is surprised. He has never heard of this. Not from Baekhyun, not even Seungsoo, who both have Korean friends around the neighborhood. "I didn't know," was all Kyungsoo can say.

"Yeah, it's not really something I go around telling other people," Jongin shrugs, resuming his cutting of the chicken. "He was in Korea for a short visit. But he never came back. Cardiac arrest, they said." There is a hint of sad bitterness in Jongin's voice. The kind that only fresh wounds bring. "We all went back for the burial, mom and my sisters and me. It was fast. I honestly don't even remember much. When we came back, mom took down almost all of dad's photos and put them in the attic. Well, she left one in the hallway. Their wedding picture."

Kyungsoo doesn't know what to say. He's only ever been comforted on his mother's own passing. He was never the one who had to comfort someone over the loss of a loved one. But he does remember what it feels like to sit and have people tell you words they usually never mean. So he keeps quiet. Instead, he walks to the sink, washes his hands and goes to the fridge to pick up the pitcher of orange-apple-ginseng juice he mixed over the weekend. He takes a glass with him as he returns, putting both on the counter and pouring Jongin a glassful.

"Here," Kyungsoo pushes the juice towards him. "I mixed it myself."

Jongin looks at the glass, then at Kyungsoo, a question on his face. But he doesn't ask. Instead, he wordlessly goes to wash his hands too, dries them on the kitchen towel and returns to take a small sip of the juice. At first he grimaces at the taste, making Kyungsoo chuckle, but he takes more little sips, then some more and before long, he's taking large gulps until the's downed the whole glass. Kyungsoo pours him another glassful.

"It has a soothing effect," Kyungsoo says with a smile as Jongin takes more sips of the juice. "Well, at least that's what the recipe said. But if not, then at least it's healthy."

Jongin downs the second glass too. There's a small smile on his lips now. "Thanks, hyung," he says with a tilt of his head, eyes regaining their glow. And Kyungsoo doesn't know why, maybe it's the way Jongin's face is framed by the setting afternoon sunlight from the windows, how there were faint shadows dancing across his face from the curtains, or how his eyes look bright in contrast to the brown of the kitchen, but the only thing Kyungsoo can think of then is -god, Jongin Kim looks beautiful.

"You're welcome." Kyungsoo shakes his head a bit to clear his thoughts. He's here to comfort Jongin, not thirst after him. He can think about that realization later. "I'm glad you liked it. Dad hated it," he laughs. "Said it tasted like mud. So I asked him how he knows what mud tasted like but he left me and turned the television volume up."

Jongin chuckles at that, the small smile on his lips growing wider across his cheeks. "I like your dad."

"I like my dad too." Kyungsoo picks his knife back up, Jongin laughing again. Kyungsoo finds that he likes making Jongin laugh. Seungsoo and Hyunsoo often teased him that he's a _no-jaem_ , that he isn't funny. But he believes it's just because they don't get his brand of humor. Jongin gets him, however, and Kyungsoo likes that.

Jongin goes back to his cutting, cubing the strips of chicken he's managed to look presentable. "Do you think I should convince her to bring down a few of his pictures?" he asks, voice casual and calm. Kyungsoo is happy his juice appears to have helped somehow.

"I don't know," Kyungsoo tells him, setting aside all the ingredients he's cut and mixed, waiting for Jongin to finish his. "Why do you want to ask her?"

Jongin smiles and shrugs, slicing the last strip into cubes and transferring them into the bowl Kyungsoo has set aside. "It's just that… sometimes I forget that he's already gone. Like, he was still at work and just hasn't come home yet. That he'll eventually return. But then I look around the house and notice that all of his pictures are gone and I remember that yeah, dad's not coming back. He can't come back. Not anymore," Jongin says this with a wistful look on his face, half smiling. "I just… miss him."

Jongin doesn't look sad, not like before, and his voice does not hold the same bitterness from earlier either. All Kyungsoo can hear this time is longing, the kind that he's familiar with himself. The one that he's felt the first few years his mother passed away, but that as time went by, he forgets and loses. Kyungsoo knows the hurt is still fresh in Jongin, that the wounds have not yet healed. That it might even be harder for him because he's older, the same way Seungsoo was older. It means he's spent more time with his father, there's more for him to remember, more for him to miss.

"You know? It's the opposite for me," Kyungsoo shares. Jongin looks up at him, curious. "Sometimes, I forget her. But then I look around and see her smiling face on all the photos on the walls and I remember her, that there was a time when she was here. With us. And it makes me feel guilty that I forgot. It's just that she's been gone for so long that sometimes… sometimes it feels like it's always been that way."

It doesn't always happen but sometimes there were moments when Kyungsoo would be doing something mundane and out of the blue he'll remember that yeah, it wasn't always just him and Seungsoo and Hyunsoo and his father. It makes him feel guilty each time. That's why he's happy his father left his mother's pictures up, because it reminds him when he forgets.

"But do you still miss her? Even after all these years?" Jongin asks him, voice barely above a whisper, looking at him across the counter with his clear brown eyes.

"Very much. Everyday."

They don't say anything after. They just sit there on the counter across each other, letting the silence pass them.

 

\--

 

The ride back to Jongin's house is mostly silent. Kyungsoo put his Melon RnB playlist on, the car filling with some of his favorite Korean voices and tunes - some Zion.T, some 8eight, a little bit of Crush, a little bit of 4MEN and some others. Jongin would sometimes hum to the music, head bopping as he looks out the window, a content smile on his face. Kyungsoo is happy that Jongin is happy.

The _dalkgalbi_ they cooked was delicious, Jongin made sure Kyungsoo knows. He didn't stop talking wax poetic about the tenderness of the chicken and the seeping flavor of the spicy sauce all through out dinner. He talked like he didn't help make the dish which Kyungsoo found amusing, but he didn't stop the younger. It was equal parts adorable and endearing hearing a variety of different adjectives just to describe the simple combination of flavors he's been making for years. Not to mention it was also very kind to Kyungsoo's growing ego. When it was time to head home, Jongin asked if he could take the leftovers for his mother. Kyungsoo couldn't say no.

When the opening piano keys of Ra.D's I'm in Love starts playing, Jongin sits up straight in his seat, turning to Kyungsoo. "Hyung, I love this song!"

"Really?" What a coincidence, this is one of Kyungsoo's favorite songs too. He turns the volume a notch higher. "Want to sing along?"

Jongin does. A little shyly at first, the way he glances at Kyungsoo every line but when the first chorus kicks in, Jongin's voice grows surer, steadier. He tries his best to ride the beat of the song, his voice soft but melodious. Kyungsoo knows this song is hard to sing, the softness to open the lines but the falsetto to sing the chorus. However, Jongin is doing so well. His voice is so warm, tender like his eyes and sweet like his smile. There's a charming quality to the way Jongin hits his notes, how he does his little runs.

When the second verse hits, Kyungsoo joins in. At first, they sing together, their voices blending so well, surprising Kyungsoo. But by mid-verse, Jongin stops. Kyungsoo pauses to ask why but the younger is quick to tell him, "No- hyung, please continue." So Kyungsoo does, singing the song like he has done so many times in the comfort of his room. His father has told him he has a great voice but he thinks his dad is just exaggerating, the way all fathers who praise their children do. However, when Kyungsoo glances to his right, he sees Jongin looking at him with surprised eyes, his lips partly open.

"Do I sound bad-"

"No, no! Hyung, please continue," Jongin hurriedly says, flapping his hand at Kyungsoo, urging him go on.

Kyungsoo picks up right after the second chorus, his voice unsure with Jongin's strange request. But when he glances to his side again at a stoplight, the surprised look on Jongin's face is gone, replaced instead by something akin to wonder. Kyungsoo's cheeks heat up at the intensity of the younger's gaze, the right side of his face feeling like it's on fire. He tries his best to focus on the song, the delivery of the bridge always hard for him. But it's hard to concentrate when Jongin is looking at him with those shining eyes. In the dim light of the car, the attention makes Kyungsoo feel like he's singing to an audience of thousands instead of just one. He regains his footing by the climax, the last few notes coming to him easily. When he says the last line, he delivers it with more sincerity than usual.

_You are so beautiful._

"That was so beautiful," Jongin exhales in a soft whisper when Kyungsoo finishes, clear awe in his voice. He's still looking at Kyungsoo with those eyes, tender and shining in the darkness. The heat on Kyungsoo's cheeks spreads to his ears.

Kyungsoo turns the music back down when the next song starts, smiling at Jongin who finally turns away, allowing Kyungsoo to breathe. "Thanks, Jongin. You sounded great too."

"Thank you." Jongin doesn't say anything after, just looking out the window with a faraway look in his eyes, the content smile back on his lips. Kyungsoo focuses on getting him home.

Kyungsoo likes this, likes the comfortable silence between them. How they don't need to fill the gaps with useless small talk and yet still feel togetherness in the same space. He wonders at how and why it feels so easy to slip back into this friendship like the past four years never happened, like Kyungsoo didn't run away and ignore Jongin in favor of hiding a part of himself. It seems only fitting now that it is also Jongin who is here as the sole witness to Kyungsoo finally uncovering that part of him that he hid. It feels natural, somehow, to gravitate to each other like this, together.

Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin feels the same way.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo is pleasantly surprised. Maybe it's true, what they say about over-worrying too much, how it creates an illusion of doom, an expectation of the worst to come.

It's already 3rd period and the day has been tolerable for Kyungsoo so far. Before, people would stare and look like they're trying to figure him out, like they can't quite connect what they're hearing and the person they're seeing. It might be because for most of them, they're seeing Kyungsoo for the first time. Today, however, all he gets are glances and, interestingly enough, even some smiles. The whispers too, Kyungsoo noticed, don't carry the same tone anymore. They've lost the novelty of the unknown. The rumor is not a rumor anymore. Like Kyungsoo predicted, it makes him feel better to at least have had control. It may not be true, but it was his decision.

Baekhyun comes in a little later than usual but he doesn't have his mischievous grin like usual, the one that tells Kyungsoo there's a story coming his way. Today, Baekhyun's smile is pleasant and happy.

Last night, Baekhyun was one of the worries that plagued Kyungsoo's mind. He never told Baekhyun he was gay or bi or anything else but Baekhyun always liked to tease him about his guy-crush on Jongin Kim, as Baekhyun likes to call it. He once joked in 8th grade that he was glad they don't hang out with Jongin anymore because it was obvious to him that summer that Kyungsoo was just about ready to kick him out of his best friend position for Jongin. Baekhyun was apparently worried he would get his free food pass revoked. So while Baekhyun always teased Kyungsoo about it, Kyungsoo doesn't know how he will react if it were to come true. Seeing the smile on his face now, Kyungsoo is relieved. It immediately puts that worry of his at ease.

"Hey, my favorite Soo!" Baekhyun greets as he sits down beside Kyungsoo, turning his chair to face him. "Thanks for the _onigiri_ yesterday, by the way. Ate them all in a minute. Arjun wanted one but I slapped his hand off my tupperware. I still hate him. You remember that time he fed me that green Indian spice curry? Burned my tongue and throat so bad I couldn't sing for a week. Had to skip glee practice, that son of a bitch."

Of course Kyungsoo has heard this story before. What Baekhyun forgets to mention every time he tells it though is that before Arjun fed him Indian curry filled with deathly spices, Baekhyun fed Arjun first with a bowl of Level 10 spicy _tteokboki_. Poor guy almost died. Kyungsoo honestly think Baekhyun deserved the curry but he doesn't tell him that. Although Kyungsoo did laugh at Baekhyun the whole week he couldn't sing.

"So… you and Mr. Hip Thrusts?" Baekhyun changes to Korean, his eyebrows wriggling. "I know you never told me but I already kinda knew. Well, I didn't know you would actually get with him but- I mean, I sort of knew you were kinda…" Baekhyun stops and thinks, looking for a proper word. The word for gay in Korean is just a Koreanized pronunciation of the word. He looks around then whispers, "… not straight. But as your best friend, in the future, I deserve some kind of first pass privilege to these type of information, ok?"

"For what? Science?"

"For posterity!"

"How does that even make sense, Byun?"

"Aha, don't use last names with me. I know that tactic, Soo. It's worked before, not working now. I gave you a pass last Tuesday because that was just a rumor then. But you went and full out jumped in to this. Imagine my shock when I saw the screenshot!"

"What, what screenshot?" Kyungsoo asks, suddenly nervous. What is it? What do they know, what was it?

"Oh nothing, really. Your boyfriend just sent a message to the dance club's group chat yesterday. Between that and the way you picked him up and drove off with him, it was elementary math. But chill, it's not gonna spread. A friend just sent it to me." Baekhyun says all of this with the most convincing con face Kyungsoo has ever seen.

"I don't even want to begin with how or why you got sent that screenshot in the first place."

"Eh, I wouldn't tell you anyway. Trade secrets and all that."

"How is gossiping a trade?" Kyungsoo asks incredulously. Baekhyun sounds like he's had way too much coffee.

"My young grasshopper, gossip has value around these parts," Baekhyun gestures grandly at the classroom. A few of the students working on their sheets next to them turns to look. Kyungsoo grimaces. "I'm fucking rich here."

"Yeah, I bet." It's Baekhyun who rolls his eyes at that which earns a chuckle from Kyungsoo.

"Anyway, enough about that. Back to you."

"Oh boy, I'm excited," Kyungsoo says with the enthusiasm of a slug.

"Soo, I feel betrayed! Cheated!" Baekhyun waves his hands around like he's been wronged. Kyungsoo really ought to tell him to do theater. Actually, now that he thinks about it, maybe Baekhyun is already in the theater club.

"Okay, now you're just being dramatic," Kyungsoo rolls his eyes, reaching inside his bag for the roll of _kimbab_ he made this morning. He wrapped it whole in parchment paper like a burrito. It makes for easier clean up.

Baekhyun's eyes narrow suspiciously at the roll. "Is that _samgyupsal kimbab_ or just regular _kimbab_?"

"Bacon and spam." Kyungsoo takes another roll out and transfers both into a ziplock bag he brought with him.

"Okay, I accept." Baekhyun grabs the bag before Kyungsoo can even lock it.

"You're too easy," Kyungsoo chuckles as he watch Baekhyun stuff the rolls into his backpack to eat for lunch.

"I'm usually not swayed by bribery but because you're my best friend, I guess I'll succumb to corruption just this once," Baekhyun heaves a heavy sigh, complete with the long face and sad eyes. Kyungsoo can only shake his head in amusement.

"You're such a drama queen."

"Sure, I am. If you're willing to be the drama princess, that is."

"No."

Baekhyun just chuckles at the look of judgement on Kyungsoo's face, rummaging inside his backpack for the tupperware from yesterday. When he finally tugs the small container out, he doesn't hand it over immediately, instead looking at Kyungsoo with the same look he had on last Tuesday, serious. "Soo, I know I always make fun of you and tell you you look like an egg with hair-"

"Hey, you never told me-"

"-but I'm really happy for you," Baekhyun smiles at him as he finally hands him the container, that same happy smile from earlier.

Kyungsoo is both relieved and glad at how Baekhyun took it. Tuesday should have made it clear to him but maybe that's just how worries work, they cloud judgement in fear of disappointment or hurt. Kyungsoo knows he has to tell his brothers and father too. He will tell them after. He will tell them soon.

Baekhyun goes back to complaining about Arjun ("If he tries to get a bite of this _kimbap_ , I swear to god-"), which then turns to him complaining about curries ("Not your curries, though, Soo! Those are great!) then about the lack of a proper Korean restaurants in their small neighborhood ("We have to drive down to china town where there is exactly one Korean resto and their _kimchi jjigae_ tastes like watered down _kimchi_!"). Curiously, the happy smile never leaves his face.

Even if he can, Kyungsoo doesn't have the heart to tell Baekhyun the full truth. It doesn't feel good to lie to his only friend, not when Baekhyun is so supportive and genuinely happy for him like this. But there's a part of Kyungsoo, a tiny little part, that enjoys the lie, this complicated charade of a relationship without the strings that even comes with a neat and clear-cut deadline. Kyungsoo has no experience with relationships but he's good with deadlines.

He hopes it all works out.

 

\--

 

They meet for lunch on the bleachers today, the crisp October wind blowing under the mid-day sun, carrying with it the distinct smell of earth and drying leaves. The trees lining the football field have begun their gradient decay, painting the backdrop a pretty mosaic of red and yellow, gold and brown. Kyungsoo missed this, sitting outside out here in the open, looking out at the students milling around, going about their lunch merrily. He's spent the last three days holed up in the library, the musky scent of old books as suffocating as it is comforting. Out here, the air truly smells like autumn.

Kyungsoo sees Jongin, blurry as he is, in the distance. He's walking across the field in his favorite tight blue jeans and plaid polo shirt, black hiking boots strutting towards the bleachers like the football field is his runway. He's wearing that corduroy bomber jacket he seems to love so much, hair swept up today instead of his usual dressed down fringe. He turns heads as he walks by, the girls circled on the grass by the stairs whispering excitedly among themselves. When Jongin spots him, he raises his arms high up in a wave at Kyungsoo, then half-jogs the rest of the way.

Jongin takes the stairs up to Kyungsoo two steps at a time, a huge smile on his face as he plops himself down on the bench beside him, wind swept hair and panting. Kyungsoo's heart may have skipped more than two beats, breath caught in his throat for a second. There truly is no other boy as beautiful and gorgeous as Jongin Kim.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Jongin laughs, a faint tint of pink on his cheeks.

"You look at me all the time," Kyungsoo fires back. It must be the fresh air, or the beautiful fall colors and the barely there kiss of the warm sun beating down on them but oddly, Kyungsoo doesn't feel the need to hide today.

"Touche," Jongin laughs, unzipping his backpack to take out a pack of banana milk. "Brought you something!"

Kyungsoo takes the offered boxes, smiling widely at the gift. He puts them to his other side just as Jongin scoots closer, the warmth of his thigh touching Kyungsoo's own. "Thanks! I'll drink them later."

Kyungsoo hands Jongin his rolls of _kimbap_ and takes out a tupperware of cut up _kimchi_ he packed this morning. He also brought a side of yellow mu.

"Full spread today, huh?" Jongin observes the _banchans_ Kyungsoo set on the bench bellow them, biting into his _kimbap_ burrito. Jongin's eyes immediately closing again, silent for a moment. Kyungsoo smirks.

"Like it?"

Jongin doesn't immediately answer. He just sits there chewing with his eyes closed, the same expression he had on Tuesday when he tasted the egg sandwich and yesterday when he ate the _onigiris_. When he opens his eyes, he looks at Kyungsoo with almost the same wonder as he had last night in the car. "How do you do it, hyung? You make everything taste so good?"

Kyungsoo knows he shouldn't, that he should be used to it by now; Jongin has been doing nothing but praise him since he started letting him taste his food, but Kyungsoo still blushes at the compliment like it's the first time.

"You know, I've been meaning to tell you but I keep forgetting. Mom reminded me last night when I gave her the _onigiri_ and the _dalkgalbi_. But hyung, have you ever considered getting into the food industry?" Jongin asks him, voice serious and curious as he takes another bite of his _kimbap_. "My oldest sister, the one who moved to New York, you remember her? She opened a cafe-restaurant hybrid on 9th Street two years ago. She's been meaning to open a Korean family restaurant here, been trying to rope mom into it but mom's been hesitant. She said maybe in a year or two. She's going to retire soon, anyway. But hyung, mom hasn't been this excited about food in a long time. She wants me to invite you over, by the way-" Kyungsoo's eyes go wide at this, about to interrupt, but Jongin just glosses over the detail like it's obvious and expected. "-so how about it? You ever thought of getting into cooking as a career after high school?"

When Kyungsoo was thirteen, he saw the beauty of the world outside through hanging out with Jongin, riding their bicycle around town, skipping stones by the pond and playing tag in the park. He wanted to be a videographer then. Or a photographer. He wanted to capture those memories like the smiling pictures of his mother on their walls. He begged his father to let him attend a film camp and since then he's been saving up to buy his own professional grade equipment. He plans to move to LA after high school. When Seungsoo said he was jealous that Kyungsoo already knew what he wanted to be when he was thirteen, this was what he was talking about-a film maker. Someone behind the camera to capture and create memories.

It is true, however, that Kyungsoo has another passion, something else that he loves doing, that he's been doing since he was eleven. He started small. He helped his father read the recipes his mother left them. He listened in on the help-calls to grandma too so he can help translate. He helped chop vegetables and mix the sauces, helped to marinate the meats and boil the stocks. Soon, it was Seungsoo he was helping. And eventually, it was only him in the kitchen. He started to cook because there was no one else to do it for them, because he wanted to help his father who was always tired from work, who was still grieving because he just lost the love of his life. But now, cooking to Kyungsoo is like second nature, like something he does because it just is. Because he's good at it, because he loves doing it, and above all else, because he loves seeing the joy on people's faces when they eat what he cooked for them.

Has Kyungsoo ever considered cooking as his potential profession? No. But now, he's suddenly seeing it as an option.

"Not really," Kyungsoo answers, unwrapping his own _kimbap_. "I just follow recipes. It's not rocket science."

"That's a talent, already, believe me," Jongin says, pointing the roll to him for emphasis. "You know flavors. Because I made tuna mayo sandwich last year for Home Econ and it tasted bland. It was watery and salty even though I followed the recipe on youtube. But your _onigiri_ yesterday? That was complex-"

"As much as I like hearing you talk about my _onigiri_ like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread-"

"Because it is-"

"-tell me about this dinner invitation."

"Oh that?" Jongin takes another bite, taking his time to chew it. Kyungsoo waits patiently for Jongin to answer only to see him take another big bite.

"Jongin!"

"Wha- isj jso guug."

"Oh for fuck's sake. Don't talk with your mouth full. I can see the chewed up bits of _kim_ from over here," Kyungsoo makes a face, reprimanding the younger who only laughs, some grains of rice escaping and flying down on the benches below them. "Jongin, what the fuck."

Kyungsoo cannot believe this is the same person who walked up to him looking like an Abercrombie model just moments ago. Jongin is still young, as mature as he sounds sometimes. Jongin is just as young as Kyungsoo is. Younger, even. But it still surprises him.

Jongin eventually swallows all the _kimbap_ in his mouth, his first roll a third of the way gone. There's still laughter in his eyes. "Sorry, hyung. Can you pass me a box of banana milk? I think I have rice stuck in my wind pipe." He coughs for effect.

"I thought this was for me," Kyungsoo says as he opens the pack and takes one, tearing the plastic and stabbing the straw though it before handing it to Jongin who eagerly drinks the whole box in flash, swallowing a couple more times to make sure the rice is gone. "Serves you right. You've made me choke on food thrice since Monday."

"So it's 3-1 now?"

"This isn't a competition. And no, don't quote me that Jessi imitation." Kyungsoo cuts Jongin fast because he can already tell what the younger was about to do with how he suddenly slouched and made gangster peace signs.

"Fine, you got me there," Jongin sips at his empty carton, still giggling slightly.

"So? Dinner with your mom?" Kyungsoo prompts again, worried, somehow. "Did you… tell her?"

"Well, I had to, hyung. She wanted to know where I'm getting all the delicious treats from- wait," Jongin must have seen the pinched look on Kyungsoo's face because he adds, "Oh no. I didn' tell her that. I just said I got to talking to you again since you gave me a ride last month," Jongin clarifies. "That's not for me to tell her, hyung, you know that."

Kyungsoo fees relieved. He doesn't know why he was suddenly worried. Was he worried she might possibly tell his father? Kyungsoo wants to tell his dad himself. He plans to tell him after, when he's already absolutely sure. It's not a race, Jongin said. Although at this point, Kyungsoo may have already gone over the finish line. He's just bidding his time.

"Yeah, thanks, Jongin," Kyungsoo smiles at him in gratitude.

"It's nothing." Jongin is back to chewing his _kimbap_ , looking over the field of green in front of them, stretching all across the whole yard.

Kyungsoo eats his own _kimbap_ in silence, something niggling in the back of his mind. "Hey, Jongin."

"Hm?"

"You said you're willing to answer my questions to help me, yeah?"

"Right."

"How did you decide to come out?" Kyungsoo looks at the younger sitting beside him. Now that he's paying attention, Jongin smells like pine trees, like morning dew. It's comforting and soothing, like smelling summer in autumn. It takes him back for a moment.

Jongin looks thoughtful as he chews, this time making sure he's swallowed the last of his _kimbap_ before he answers. "Because of dad, actually," he says, a small smile on his lips, looking off into the distance. "He always knew, I guess. Maybe mom too but dad more than her. He enrolled me in ballet classes when I was four because I loved the Nutcracker. Not every guy who does ballet is gay but there's that stigma, you know? But dad didn't care. Even when some of my uncles told him to stop sending me, he didn't listen. Before I knew what liking a boy even meant, I already told dad I had a crush on Kwon Sang Woo, and Won Bin, and Bi and-" Jongin pauses to chuckle here, glancing at Kyungsoo with a shy smile. "-some other people. Boys."

Kyungsoo doesn't know if he's imagined it, but the way Jongin looked at him then, and his small little smile but-

"Anyway, before dad went to Korea last year, he went to my room out of the blue. That time, Yixing just got here from China and he told the dance club point-blank that he was gay, first meeting. I thought it was cool, to have someone like me in the crew. So I hung out with him a lot after practice, even though I hadn't told anyone yet at that time that I was gay. Dad noticed that I've been coming home later than usual but every time they ask me where I've been, I just tell them I was at practice. But I guess dad could tell I was lying," Jongin shrugs, his voice getting softer. There's still the same wistful look on his face, a small smile on his lips. Kyungsoo is glad to see that this memory seems to be a fond one for Jongin, something good that he remembers about his father. "I didn't tell them I was always at the Creamery with Yixing because I was afraid they'd ask me straight out if I was going out with him, you know? And then I'd have to come out to them and that scared me a lot.

"But dad knows, the way dad always knew, even before I knew. So that night before his flight, we went into my room and told me he has one advice before he goes-" Jongin's smile falters then and for a second Kyungsoo thought he might cry, but he just merely clears his throat and continues. "He said _'Jongin, whatever you do, don't sneak. Because if you do, then that means you think you're doing something wrong.'_ Then he made me clean my room, told me to reorganize my books. He said he wants everything sorted when he gets back. But, as you know, he never went back home."

Jongin doesn't speak for a minute after that. He coughs and blinks rapidly up at the sky. Kyungsoo reaches next to him and places his hand on Jongin's thigh, hoping he can provide comfort to the younger, somehow. Jongin turns and looks at him at the gesture, smile blooming on his face. Kyungsoo wants Jongin to always be smiling like this. He wants to make sure of it.

"I knew what he meant that night but I never said anything to him. So I was angry at him, the whole time I was in Korea. But now that I think about it, maybe I was more angry at myself. That I didn't get to tell him, even though he gave me so many opportunities to. So when we got back here, I told my mom, I called my sisters, then I told the crew."

Kyungsoo knew Jongin was always close to his father. When Kyungsoo would sleep over at the Kim's place that summer, he saw how Jongin was sweet to both his mother and father. How they dote on him, being the youngest child of the family, the same way Kyungsoo and Seungsoo and their father dote on Hyunsoo.

"Thank you. For telling me," Kyungsoo tells Jongin, hand never leaving the younger's thigh. It makes a lot of sense now, how Jongin could hold his head up high while walking down the hallway with Kyungsoo's hand on his hip. How he endured the whispers and the stares when word got out that he and Yixing got together.

Yixing. The anger Kyungsoo feels for the guy isn't as strong now.

"Yixing…" Kyungsoo starts.

"Oh, yeah. I think it worked," Jongin's face slowly brightens, the frown on his lips smoothing out into a smile. "Looked at my phone when I got home, got a few messages of apologies, got some angry question marks too. I'm still kinda mad at them but it would be silly not to forgive. Got one from Yixing too. We talked this morning and… I don't know how to say this but it feels kinda anti-climactic?" Jongin shrugs with a soft giggle, the moist in his eyes from before still shining along the corners of his eyes. "Asked me if there's really no chance for him now. Said no. I'm sure he can find some other guy. I mean, we were still going out and he found another guy."

There isn't any bitterness in Jongin's voice, or sadness at having had severed his ties with Yixing. Kyungsoo marvels at the happy feeling in his chest at the thought. "Glad it worked out then," Kyungsoo squeezes the thigh under his palm, liking the warmth seeping through the fabric of Jongin's jeans into his hand.

"Thank you, hyung. You really helped me," Jongin looks sincere, the way he always do. Kyungsoo smiles back. "What about you though? Are you getting the answers you needed?"

Kyungsoo thinks back on all the things Jongin has told him and how they've indeed answered questions he didn't even know he had. But it's clear now. What's really helping Kyungsoo is him-Jongin himself, with his beautiful face and his crescent moon eyes, that boyish smile and his tender voice, his excitement at everything Kyungsoo cooks, and his appreciation at everything Kyungsoo does. These past few days, Jongin served as Kyungsoo's anchor when he felt like he may be swept to sea. It may just be curiosity before, but now it's clear to Kyungsoo. He likes Jongin. Still likes him. After all these years, he still do. And that scares him.

"Yeah, I am," Kyungsoo says, the warmth under his palm suddenly feels like coal embers, the realization and admittance of his feelings shaking him for a moment. But the touch anchors him like it always does, steadies him. "You've really helped me too. More than you will ever know."

"Really?" Jongin turns his head and looks at Kyungsoo, with that tender smile of his that sets Kyungsoo's heart skipping beats. And it's like a cheesy scene out of a campy rom-com c-list movie, but Kyungsoo feels butterflies populate his stomach, fluttering about in mass numbers.

"Really," he confirms, with as much conviction as he can, trying his best to not make it known how royally fucked he is.

Kyungsoo should have seen it coming. Everything was pointing to this, after all. There really shouldn't be any surprise here. He knows how it goes in movies, how the lead would ignore all the warning signs and still power through. He always thought that was stupid of them, to miss the obvious. But here he is, stupid enough to miss the obvious. Maybe it really is like this, when you like someone. When there's no distance between you to hide from, no letter as your escape. When the other person is right here, right now, not from afar, but in your reach-you become blind and willfully stupid. Maybe it's because you think you're invincible, that you're the exception to the rule. _'Psh, me? I would never.'_ Kyungsoo, who has his plans, who has his rules. Kyungsoo, who is straight to the point, who doesn't ramble, who doesn't like affection and mushy things.

And yet here he is, Kyungsoo, maybe falling.

 

\--

 

October passes Kyungsoo by like a dream - lucid but in a trance. Sometimes, Kyungsoo feels like he's not really there in the present but is watching a version of himself from the outside, like he's starring in his own feature film or a life docu-drama for prime time. This version of himself is always happy, always smiling, always up on a high. It's like the movies minus all the unnecessary drama. It sometimes feels like a rom-com or a comedy disaster waiting to happen, depending on how far Kyungsoo wants to look towards the end of November.

Kyungsoo's routine has changed. He always eats lunch with Jongin now. They eat out on the field, the food Kyungsoo packed spread between them while they people-watch from the bleachers, savoring the crisp autumn wind on their faces before the stronger winds of November drive them inside. Sometimes, when they both have homework to catch up on, they stay at the library instead. The lunch Kyungsoo packs for those days, he makes sure won't cause them any trouble. However, when the days started becoming colder and the wind chillier, they transferred to the cafeteria, setting up camp on the table by the window, the one where Kyungsoo got reunited with Jongin's baby blue enveloped letter that one Monday. They've claimed the table as theirs now, the white surface always covered in tupperwear filled with Kyungsoo's latest experiment in the kitchen.

With Jongin's encouragement, Kyungsoo has moved on from just following recipes to making some of his own. From adding unconventional ingredients to traditional recipes, he soon ventured into creating fusion dishes. Some such dishes, like his _kimchi_ spaghetti and _samgyetang jjigae_ , were a huge hit. Jongin loved the added sourness of the _kimchi_ to the acidic fresh tomatoes and the fried _kimchi_ added crunch and texture to the otherwise smooth sauce. Clearly, Jongin has been watching too many Korean chef variety shows. His father also loved that pasta, asking if he could take a pan of it in their next clinic potluck. Hyunsoo, on the other hand, hated its taste, much to the delight of his father who ate the younger's share. The _samgyetang jjigae_ was more straight forward. He added leeks and _gochujang_ to the creamy white broth of the chicken. Cooked like _samgyetang_ , seasoned like a _jjigae_. Everyone loved that one. For school, however, Kyungsoo only brought the tamer experiments, not wanting to bring too many containers to school. Jongin enjoyed them all the same.

(Kyungsoo's father, thankfully, has not yet noticed that he's gained a new mouth to feed. Baekhyun was highly amused.)

Once, Baekhyun joined them for lunch on the bleachers. He said it was his attempt at befriending his best friend's boyfriend. But he never joined them again after that first time. Later, Baekhyun told him that he didn't like being the third-wheel, and lunch with Kyungsoo and Jongin making 'googly eyes' at each other certainly made him feel like a big one. Kyungsoo didn't know what to make of that information. He files it away for later consideration, the same shelf he put the comment from Hyunsoo on the car ride home that first day back to school, when Hyunsoo said the same thing.

Kyungsoo has not yet met Jongin's dance crew. He finds out that despite Jongin's popularity, he doesn't have many friends. He has his school dance team who he spends most of his time with, and then there's his friend from another school named Timoteo Kim who he sometimes meet on weekends, and then another friend he keeps in contact with who lives in Seoul named Lee Taemin. Jongin's circle of friends is very small, having had concentrated most of his time on dance and studies.

After lunch, Kyungsoo always walks Jongin to his next class where they part ways. Some days, when Hyunsoo has track practice and his father won't be home for dinner, he picks Jongin up from his last class and they head to Kyungsoo's house where they cook together - from their first _dalkgalb_ i to dishes like _bulgogi_ and _japchae_ , to the more complicated ones like homemade omuk and mandu, they enjoy the cooking as much as they do the eating. Those days, Jongin skips dance practice.

Sometimes, Hyunsoo comes home earlier than usual and see the two sets of plates and cutlery in the sink. Kyungsoo is always quick to feed him the leftovers and Hyunsoo never asked questions. When his father comes home those days, Kyungsoo giving him the bowl he kept for him in case his father was still hungry, Kyungsoo can't help but think of what Jongin said on the bleachers that day - don't sneak. Kyungsoo's only solace is to reason with himself that he will tell his father soon, after all of this. The guilt, of course, does not easily disappear.

Other than these little additions in Kyungsoo's days, his life continues on like usual. The news of their relationship has long been overshadowed by several other gossip. Kyungsoo was right, taking the element of mystery from the rumor shaved off a lot of its talking-value. Although, once in a while, he will hear an exaggerated off-spin from Baekhyun that Kyungsoo finds so outrageous he doesn't even bother.

Even though the relationship is just a cover, their friendship is very much real. Kyungsoo has never exchanged so much messages with one person in his life before Jongin. Not even Baekhyun, whom he's known longer and spammed him longer, gets replies as frequent and regular as Jongin does. Jongin would send Kyungsoo random pictures of his dogs, or other people's dogs he saw while riding his bike to school, or just random dogs he found on the internet. Jongin also likes to send him quotes from books he was reading, or clips of Korean cooking variety shows he found interesting. Sometimes they just talk about nothing, and as averse to useless banter as Kyungsoo is, he finds himself participating.

As October comes to a close and the golden and reddened leaves of autumn fall down to cover the earth, Kyungsoo began to notice one thing – pretending to be dating Jongin isn't so hard, after all.

Pretending he might not have fallen too fast too soon for Jongin though, that one, Kyungsoo finds to be harder.

 

 

 

 

 

// November

Kyungsoo first saw Jongin dance first week of freshman year. He has just spent the last two years of middle school ignoring the younger, thinking that he can pretend that day in his basement never happened if he pretends Jongin doesn't exist. But of course, Jongin does exist. Kyungsoo saw him through out middle school. They didn't run in the same circles, Jongin busy with his academic pursuits and Kyungsoo busy minding his own business, but Kyungsoo was nevertheless reminded of Jongin's existence every time they pass each other in the hallway or meet eyes across a room. Other than these little non-interactions, however, Jongin Kim ceased to become a mere faded summer memory. Until high school freshman welcome assembly, that is.

Of course Kyungsoo knew that Jongin dances. The younger has mentioned it a couple of times when they would bike around town. Kyungsoo also knew that Jongin was in their middle school's dance club (Baekhyun joined the club too but he quit after a week). Kyungsoo was well aware that Jongin can dance but he didn't put much thought to it, the same way he doesn't wonder what their Math teacher had for lunch or if Baekhyun will ever return the SNSD album he borrowed when they were fourteen. Kyungsoo knew but at the same time, he didn't wonder because it just is. It was then a huge surprise to Kyungsoo to see Jongin dance for the first time.

Kyungsoo remembers it clearly - the nervousness of meeting new people, of having to spend the next three years of his life interacting with said people. Kyungsoo knew he would do just fine, the same way he has done just fine the years before. He had Baekhyun beside him in the seats, the school auditorium small but packed with eager students. He saw a few familiar faces, people he knew from around the neighborhood and some he met in middle school but all of whom he has vague recollection of names.

First came the long talks, and the speeches, and some welcome presentations from the seniors and the juniors. And the last one, the highlight of the assembly, the freshmen presentation. They picked a few, Baekhyun whispered to his ear as the students climbed up the stage. They get into position, shuffle a few, move a bit, and then finally, when the music played, Kyungsoo's eyes immediately zeroed in on the person in the middle.

Kyungsoo is bad with words, short with adjectives. But when he saw Jongin Kim dancing up on stage that day, Kyungsoo wanted to write him poetry. Jongin was graceful yet sharp, his movies fluid and yet precise. It was nothing like Kyungsoo has ever seen before. Hyunsoo has interest in dancing. It's his go-to talent during _Seollal_ to receive additional New Year's money from their relatives. Kyungsoo has suffered through bad dance reality shows and youtube videos from Hyunsoo. He's seen bad dancing and he's seen great dancing. But seeing Jongin dance that day put Kyungsoo in a state of awe. Maybe it's the atmosphere of teenage excitement, the cheering and the clapping. Or maybe it's the way he can see the dancing clearly, how it's live right there in front of him and not just through a screen, the added level of reality making it more tangible and present than something recorded. Whatever it was, when the dance number was finished and the freshmen students took a bow, Kyungsoo was one of the most enthusiastic to clap.

Since then, the faded summer memory of Jongin Kim became a present thought. Baekhyun, who noticed his interest, told him Jongin joined the high school dance crew. Kyungsoo went to all of their performances - each assembly, each competition, each event. Kyungsoo was there. He tried filming them up on stage once but Kyungsoo found that his camera was lacking to capture the experience. He wanted to save up for better equipment, to be able to capture the beauty of Jongin dancing like the fancams of idols in Korea does. He wants to be able to that, to bottle memories, to keep them and remember.

He sometimes wondered what it meant to be so enamored by Jongin's dancing, how it ties to that August afternoon in his basement, and Kyungsoo decides, after a long time, that maybe there is something more to that feeling of guilt after he started ignoring the younger. Kyungsoo told himself he will deal with the thoughts and their implications when the time comes. Compartmentalization. He didn't run away from it like before but he still ran. Only this time, he ran away with it.

Thankfully, Jongin caught up to him eventually.

 

\--

 

The annual Fall Interschool Dance Competition ends earlier than usual. There's still sun hovering over the horizon, bathing the afternoon sky in red and gold to match the leaves carpeting the earthen floor.

The McKinley auditorium is packed with supportive students and parents alike, all of whom are now milling and mingling with each other as their participating friend or family member trickle out from backstage one by one. Kyungsoo pulls his coat tighter around him as he stands by the open doors, waiting for Jongin to come out. The younger is still inside, talking to the winning school with his team. He would look towards Kyungsoo once in a while to signal he'll be right out. Kyungsoo nods to him it's okay.

Usually, after the performance, Kyungsoo would leave the venue as quickly as he can, wanting to make his escape before anyone recognizes him. Thinking back to it now, it was silly for him to do so. There was nothing wrong with a schoolmate coming to support his school's dance team. There was no one to hide from. There was nothing to hide. Kyungsoo is reminded of what Jongin's father said - don't sneak. And indeed he was. Kyungsoo has been sneaking around, not because he was hiding from someone else but because he was hiding from himself.

Today is different, however. Today, there is no reason for him to sneak out and leave early.

"Hey," a rough voice calls to him from his side. Kyungsoo turns to look and sees someone he doesn't recognize. She's a couple of inches taller than him, hand shoved inside her coat as she chews a gum. "You James's boyfriend, right?"

It still throws Kyungsoo off to hear others refer to Jongin with his English name. But it throws Kyungsoo off more that this person, someone he hasn't met before, knows him. And more importantly, that she knows he's dating Jongin. Or well, that he's supposedly dating Jongin. How does one deal with this situation? The question is so straightforward.

_'Don't sneak.'_

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, steels himself and turns to look the girl straight in the eyes. "Yeah, I am. Why?" he asks, voice steady.

The change in his stance must have surprised her because she looks him up and down with a raised eyebrow. After a second, she shrugs and looks away, into the doors where the other dancers and students are still talking. He sees Jongin and the rest of his crew shaking hands with the winners, probably already saying their goodbyes. Kyungsoo hikes his backpack up his shoulders and feels his pocket for his car key.

"Your boyfriend is like, really hot," the girl suddenly says beside him. Kyungsoo turns to look at her and sees that her eyes are on Jongin who is currently making his way towards where they are by the door.

Jongin has washed most of the face paint off and he's already changed from his performance outfit. His hair is still styled up in an artful tousle, however, framing his face like a beautiful artwork. He's dressed in his simple washed blue jeans and cardigan, long black coat emphasizing his broad and long frame. He looks gorgeous, is what Kyungsoo thinks.

"I know," Kyungsoo tells her with a slight tilt of his head, as if it's something so obvious that it's almost redundant for her to even mention it.

Jongin arrives to his side then, the rest of the dance club coming over with him. Kyungsoo turns to look but the girl from before is already gone.

"Hey, hyung," Jongin greets him with a small smile, not quite reaching his eyes. The rest of the team behind him has similar looks on their faces, some even looks pissed off rather than sad. "Sorry you waited long."

They didn't win today. They placed third, right behind McKinely and St. Augustus. The disappointment is understandable and warranted. Kyungsoo knows how hard they practiced these past few weeks. They stayed in school until the custodian kicks them out. Jongin spent his weekends with them in the dance studio, perfecting routines and numbers. They performed well today in all categories. Kyungsoo has to admit, even the duo dance that Jongin and Yixing only practiced for two weeks was nearly flawless. But it was obvious that the matching energy they shared last year was not there anymore. While impressive, there was more contrast and mismatched movements that didn't fit the concept nor the music. Kyungsoo somehow gets it, the team's concern when they broke up, but it still made him irritated how it was Jongin they focused on instead of Yixing who fucked everything up.

Yes, maybe, Kyungsoo is still angry and bitter.

Kyungsoo steps closer to Jongin, right up in his personal space. Usually, in public, they don't do anything more than they need to. Only talking to each other and sharing lunch together is enough to keep the image that they're dating. Today, however, is different. These are the people that Jongin came out to and yet treated his sexuality like a tool to gain extra-curricular points for their college applications. Jongin might still be friends with them but Kyungsoo could honestly care less.

When Kyungsoo grabs Jongin's hand and slots their fingers together to lead him to his car, he meets eyes with Yixing just as he says, "Let's go babe, dinner at my house."

 

\--

 

"So… _babe_ , huh?"

"Shut up."

"Why, _honey_? You started it."

"Shut up, Jongin."

"But _darling baby_ , I quite like it."

"Fuck you."

"Woah woah woah. I don't think we're at that stage-"

"SHUT UP JONGIN."

"Sure… _sugar._ "

"I swear to god-"

 

\--

 

The minute he opens the door, Kyungsoo smells the beginnings of a roux on the stove. He hears arguing in the kitchen and immediately knows Hyunsoo has somehow finally managed to convince their father to let him cook chicken pot pie for dinner. The poor kid has been begging for a week now. Ever since he found a Wolfgang Puck video on Tasty, he's done nothing but bug their father to let him try cooking it. Their father, understandably, was against it. Hyunsoo has never cooked a full dish on his own before. He doesn't want Kyungsoo's help, he says. He wants to be the chef, not the sous-chef. As it was their father who accompanied Hyunsoo to track practice today, it seems that the brat has finally managed to succeed his negotiations. Seungsoo once said Hyunsoo has a career in politics. All of them agreed.

Kyungsoo shrugs his coat off and hangs it by the door, then turns around and helps Jongin take his own off, sliding the long black garment off the younger's taller frame, down his shoulders and off his arms. Jongin thanks him with a smile.

"Hyung, you haven't told them yet?" Jongin whispers, voice low and quiet. He's looking at the doorway leading to the voices.

Kyungsoo feels a little bit ashamed. This feels like sneaking around to him, like he's stalling. But at the same time, Jongin also told him this is not a race. This is his decision to make. "No," Kyungsoo answers honestly, smiling up at Jongin who nods in understanding.

"Okay," Jongin tells him, reassuring smile of his own on his lips. The smile immediately erases Kyungsoo's worries.

Kyungsoo was just about to turn away and head to the kitchen when Jongin catches him by the elbow. He looks back to see Jongin adjust his cardigan and push his glasses up the bridge of his nose, hand combing his hair off his face. "Wait, hyung, I don't want to look like a bum in front of your dad. How do I look?"

_'Your boyfriend is like, really hot._

Those were the girl's words from earlier. And while Kyungsoo agrees, this Jongin isn't the same Jongin who danced half-naked covered in body paint to the strong bass of a remixed beat earlier. This Jongin looks soft in his favorite striped white and red over-sized cardigan, with his round glasses perched on his nose and his hair freshly fought and combed on the car ride home. Jongin looks good, too good to be true, that Kyungsoo almost wants to believe this is a future he can have if he ever wants to.

Kyungsoo was right that afternoon in the ramyun aisle in Hanshim. Jongin is leading man material. He's the guy who gets the girl (or the guy) he wants because that's how the script goes. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, is a behind the scenes type of guy. The guy who works the cameras, who calls the shots. He's the type to look and admire from afar, who looks through lenses to admire the beauty from the other side. With Jongin though, that hasn't been the case. Not when Jongin is up on stage and Kyungsoo dared not to put a recording phone between the reality and his vantage point. Not now when he let Jongin come in to his life again after running away for so long. Jongin is real and is here. And he looks damn good.

"Perfect," is what Kyungsoo says.

Jongin smiles and Kyungsoo blushes.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo was right. Hyunsoo managed to convince their father to let him cook the chicken pot pie on his own by making a deal - that he won't ask for a puppy anymore.

"Dad, you do know that you gained absolutely nothing through this deal, right?" Kyungsoo tells him, stabbing his pie with his spoon. "You were never gonna buy him a puppy anyway, and you didn't have to let him cook this if you wanted to."

His dad shakes his head, clearly disagreeing. "That's where you're wrong, Kyungsoo. I got a good deal out of this."

Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongin beside him with a raised eyebrow. Jongin just shrugs, chewing his pie silently. Jongin has been silent the whole dinner. "Explain."

"Well, I got some damn good pie. That's one. And two, got my peace and quiet back. No more daily dog pictures on my work email," his father says with a huge smile, taking another spoonful of his pie. "Hey Jongin, can you pass me the _kimchijjim_?"

"I'm glad you like the pie, dad!" Hyunsoo beams. Beside Kyungsoo, Jongin snickers, reaching for the saucer of pork and handing it to the outstretched hand reaching for it.

"You send dog pictures to dad's work email?" Kyungsoo is surprised. He knows Hyunsoo has been campaigning for a dog since August but he didn't know the extent of the kid's efforts to have their dad get him one. "Hyunsoo, you shouldn't do that. You can be interrupting dad's work."

"Don't worry. I've redirected most of the email accounts he used to my spam folder," their father shrugs, as if that makes things better.

"Hyunsoo!" Kyungsoo is not amused. He will tell Seungsoo about this-

"Kyungsoo hyung, chill," the brat teases with a shake of his head. Jongin snickers again, only stopping when Kyungsoo looks sharply at him. "You're starting to sound like hyung."

Kyungsoo pauses at this. Is he really? Is he really starting to sound like Seungsoo? Not that there's anything wrong with sounding like Seungsoo, of course. That's actually a huge compliment. Seungsoo is responsible and helpful, although a little messy and unorganized unlike Kyungsoo. So it shouldn't sound like an insult but Hyunsoo, this brat, makes it sound like it is. Kyungsoo was just about to tell him to smack the grin off his face when his father suddenly speaks.

"So Jongin, how have you been?" his father asks in between bites. "We haven't had you over in a while." Kyungsoo coughs at that, knowing full well that Jongin's been coming over to cook and eat dinner with Kyungsoo here for the past month or so.

Jongin scrambles to drink a gulp of his water to wash down the food he was chewing. Kyungsoo smiles at the way his cheeks puff up in his haste to answer. "Oh, I'm- I'm okay. I've been okay. Been busy lately but I'm good," Jongin answers, stumbling on his words a little. Kyungsoo thinks he looks extra cute embarrassed. "Sorry I haven't visited in a while."

"It's fine," his father waves his fork in the air. "I'm happy to have you over again. You know, it's actually good that Kyungsoo has old friends over. Quiet friends. Baekhyun was starting to get too loud for my poor eardrums, but don't tell him that."

Kyungsoo remembers the many times Baekhyun has mentioned and complained about how boring the pre-med society is. Who even joins a club like that? And why is there even one in high school? Each time he complains, he never fails to remind Kyungsoo not to tell his dad, afraid the man will stop feeding him. Sometimes, Kyungsoo thinks Baekhyun is the real second son and they've been swapped somehow.

Jongin however, just smiles politely and nods, "Yes, of course. I won't tell him."

"Good," his father says, finishing the last of his pie. His face suddenly turns thoughtful as he scoops his last spoonful. "So tell me about your mother. How's she doing?"

This catches Kyungsoo's attention. There's something in the way his father asked that tells Kyungsoo his father knows. He looks at Jongin, watching the younger's face. Both times they talked about his father, Jongin almost cried, his eyes getting misty. Kyungsoo looks at him now, ready to provide support in case the same thing happens again.

Jongin just smiles, however. "She's doing good. She's about to retire in a year or two. They just need her to write some modules and train more people before they let her go. She and my sister are planning to open a Korean family restaurant here when she retires, actually," Jongin continues, almost boasting. Kyungsoo smiles at the way the younger's face lights up while talking about his family. "And well, she's been coping well. She picked up knitting to keep herself busy. She hangs her works in the living room. She's very proud of them."

Jongin's face doesn't have a trace of sadness and for that Kyungsoo is grateful. He feels proud of him. Kyungsoo reaches under the table and places his hand on Jongin's thigh. Jongin turns to look at him with a grateful smile. Kyungsoo smiles back.

When Kyungsoo reaches for more pie, he sees Hyunsoo looking at him and Jongin with a thoughtful look on his face.

 

\--

 

Jongin ambushes him the next weekend right after lunch.

The door bell rings just as Kyungsoo is done washing the dishes, thinking if he should change and grab a thicker sweater. Sometimes, it gets chilly up on the bleachers at Hyunsoo's school. It's his turn to take Hyunsoo to track practice today since his father covered for him last weekend when he attended Jongin's dance competition. He promised Hyunsoo two scoops of ice cream too before they head home later. Kyungsoo suggested something hot and filling but in true Hyunsoo fashion, the kid insisted on a mud pie cone. And in true Kyungsoo fashion, he conceded. Such is the life of an older brother.

From the kitchen, Kyungsoo faintly hears his father open the door, a familiar voice entering the house right after. Kyungsoo's ears perk up. He knows that voice. He hurriedly dries his hands with the kitchen towel to see if he's right. Giving his hair a quick comb through with his fingers, just in case. He rounds the corner to the living room and sure enough, sees Jongin there talking to his dad.

"-if he accompanies me?"

Kyungsoo hears the tail-end of the question. Jongin spots him immediately, face breaking into a huge smile. Kyungsoo returns the smile back, although a little bit confused. Jongin was just sending him videos of his dogs at the vet. His mom and him had them get their routine check-up and monthly grooming. He didn't mention he was dropping by.

Before Kyungsoo can ask him why he was here, his father beams at Jongin and pats his shoulders like they're best buds even though they've only seen each other twice in four years - last week and today.

"Sure, kid! Take him with you," his father says with a laugh, moving towards the counter by the staircase. He grabs his car keys and pockets it. "Just be back home by midnight. I need to be at the hospital tomorrow early morning so I can't stay up late waiting for you. Got it?"

"Of course, we'll be real quick!" Jongin grins, excitement clear on his face. He's not wearing jeans today. Instead, he's wearing comfortable joggers, his long plaid polo and a puffed up down vest that makes him look like an _ahjusshi_ ready to go hiking in the mountains. He even has Nike on to complete the look.

"What? Take me were?" Kyungsoo looks between Jongin and his dad, his confusion only growing. One of the things Kyungsoo dislikes the most is not knowing. It makes him feel anxious to not know, especially with the way Jongin is still smiling at him like he has a huge secret. "Jongin? Dad?"

"I'll take Hyunsoo to practice, Kyungsoo. You boys go have fun," his dad waves as he goes out by the kitchen door to their garage. Kyungsoo hears the familiar beep and the sound of his dad's car door opening.

"Jongin? Where-"

"No time, hyung!" Jongin excitedly pulls at his arm, half-dragging him through the living room and straight out the front door. He barely gets to grab his coat on his way out.

Between his confusion and Jongin's harried dragging and pushing, Kyungsoo soon finds himself inside Jongin's car. Or what Kyungsoo supposes is Jongin's mother's car. It smells like lemon and a faint hint of chamomile. The scents relaxing Kyungsoo a bit, until Jongin gets in with him in the driver's seat.

"Wait, Jongin, where are we going?" Kyungsoo half-demands sternly. He seriously hates it when he doesn't know. He's told Jongin this. "Tell me or I'm getting out-" Jongin starts the engine then, securing his seatbelt on the same time he drives forward. Kyungsoo instinctively holds the car's door in slight panic. "Jongin, are you sure you're allowed to drive?"

Jongin's response is to chuckle, still smiling that stupidly charming smile of his. "Now that we're on our way, I'll tell you."

"You're not murdering me, are you?" Kyungsoo deadpans. Jongin laughs at that too. "It's not a joke."

"Well, hyung, if you really must know," he starts, making a left from Kyungsoo's street, straight towards the freeway. "Mom asked me to pick up a client's documents she needs to review before Monday. Some of them gets demanding when they know they're paying good money. Wants them done immediately so Mom sent me to pick them up."

"And I'm here because?" Kyungsoo still doesn't get it.

"The client's house is in Stepford," Jongin grins at him, a happy glint in his eyes.

Kyungsoo told Jongin that exceptionally long first week they started talking again that he originally wanted to take Lim's World History class for the trip down to Stepford. Specifically, to visit Lake Willoughbee in the fall to take photos of the water and beautiful trees as they change colors. They were at the library that time, Jongin reading another Keigo Higashino book while Kyungsoo crams for a quiz on Sociology theories. Kyungsoo was struggling to remember the names and the proponents, the concepts and the assumptions. He thought the class would be chill so he ended up complaining to an amused Jongin. Jongin was surprised he hadn't been to Stepford since it's only a two-hour drive away, saying he's been there a couple of times to help his mom. It was a comment in passing, told in frustration. Jongin just laughed at his misery. Kyungsoo didn't think he'd remember.

"You remember?" Kyungsoo says in wonder, a strange thump thump thump in his chest that sounds a lot like his heart trying to beat out of his rib cage.

Jongin nods, grin still in place, clearly pleased with himself. "We gotta hurry, though. We need to get there before sunset or you won't have good lighting for your photos."

Kyungsoo looks at Jongin, not knowing how to explain the feelings in his chest into coherent thoughts. Not even words, but just thoughts. His head is a jumbled mess, as is the wild beating of his heart. What do they call this in movie tropes? Love Epiphany? It may just be because he's never experienced anything like this, being treated special by someone not from his immediate family. Maybe he needs more friends, needs more experiences to even call this what he feels it is. This is all new to him, being in the scene rather than just watching it through a screen. He feels out of place, like any minute now, someone will catch him and realize he doesn't belong and then kick him out of this rom-com, far far away from its beautiful lead.

To his left on the driver's seat, Jongin catches him looking. "Why, hyung?" the younger teases, hair falling down his forehead, framing his beautiful smiling brown eyes. "Excited?"

"A little," Kyungsoo admits.

Jongin chuckles and Kyungsoo melts in his seat.

 

\--

 

Jongin gets them lost on their way to the lake.

Since Jongin knows where his mom's client lives, they were able to quickly pick his documents up (a whole box of it, now in the trunk). However, finding the lake is a different story. Jongin set his GPS to the coordinates of Lake Willoughbee but they've made the rounds a couple of minutes now and still can't find it.

"Jongin, according to Google, the lake is 5 miles in length and a mile across, how are we missing it?" Kyungsoo asks, amused at the frantic look on the younger's face.

"Hyung, I'm really bad at directions. I'm so sorry. I should've planned this better. I thought-" he glances at the GPS screen again. "Do you think it's broken?"

Kyungsoo suppresses the laughter stuck in his throat. "I think it's working, Jongin. Do you want me to drive?"

"No! I'm driving us there!" he exclaims, making Kyungsoo raise both hands in mock-surrender. "Sorry, hyung. I'm just, mad at myself. The sun sets at around 4:30 and it's almost four. I want you to take your pretty pictures…"

The laughter bubbling in his throat turns to mush at Jongin's words, the younger's face so sincere with his worry of not having Kyungsoo see the beautiful lake he promised him. "Jongin, it's okay. We can still see it even at sundown," Kyungsoo tells him.

"But it won't be the same, hyung," Jongin whines, a giant pout on his lips. Kyungsoo's heart is weak.

"Jongin, hey," Kyungsoo reaches over and places his hand on the younger's thigh, the skin of his palm tingly at the now familiar and pleasant warmth. "Let hyung drive, okay? I'll get us there in no time."

Jongin drives for a few meters more, stubborn face refusing to give in. He eventually sighs in defeat and and pulls over by the side of the road.

"Hyung," he says quietly, looking down at his lap with a sad look on his face. "Sorry."

"Hey, don't apologize. I'll get us there," Kyungsoo squeezes the younger's thigh in reassurance, earning him a small smile.

"Okay."

"Now get out of there, we have a sunset to catch."

 

\--

 

They make it, of course. Kyungsoo finds the turn Jongin kept missing his first drive through, causing the younger to look out the window with a sullen face. Kyungsoo doesn't tell him but he thinks Jongin looks adorable with the low autumn sun casting dancing shadows across his brooding face.

They arrive five minutes before four, allowing them about 34 minutes or so of sunlight before the sun sets over the horizon and drowns under the trees and the mountains. This side of the lake is quieter than the north and west end where most of the establishments are located. Jongin said he's been on the other side with his mother for breakfast a couple of times during their trips here, the diner they eat at located at a vantage point overlooking the trees and the lake. But Jongin read that it's better here, down on the bank, a short strip of walking space before the trees hug the waterline. There are a couple of other people walking around, most of them away from the lake as they return to their cars up by the parking space by the side of the road. A couple others are making their way down like Jongin and Kyungsoo, dispersing along the bank as they reach the bottom.

When they finally find a spot, Kyungsoo takes his first good look around and promptly feels his mouth open in absolute awe at the beauty before his eyes. On their way here, he saw the trees up close, some of them already bare while some still has their crowns of gold or red and yellow. As pretty as they are to look at, they feel familiar, the same way the trees back at Adler line the roads and litter across the school grounds and the parks. However, from this angle, looking at the mountains of trees colored in varying shades of autumn colors as it serves as the backdrop to the crystal clear water of Lake Willoughbee, the clear blue sky tinging the slightest shade of pink and red as the sun begins it's sure but slow descent, Kyungsoo thinks the sight is nothing short of majestic. The air is crisper here, fresher, colder. With the gentle winds come the smell of the earth and the damp carpet leaves. Kyungsoo can hear them rustle in the wind, the stillness of the lake a direct contrast to the alive and bustling activity of lazy autumn. Kyungsoo loves fall, not the same way he loves summer, but the same way he loves it's silence and yet strong presence.

He must have been quiet for a long time, just enjoying the beauty of the place. The pictures he's seen online does the place no justice. It looked flat in the photos and yet Kyungsoo still found them beautiful. But seeing it in person, hearing it, smelling it - it feels different, vibrant, alive. Kyungsoo feels like he may be a little bit in love.

"Aren't you going to take pictures, hyung?" Jongin's soft voice asks beside him. Kyungsoo turns to look and sees the tender eyes of the younger looking back at him. Kyungsoo feels warm, at peace. He smiles and shakes his head no.

"I want to, but not now," he looks back at the beautiful view in front of him. The sun is still peeking on top of the trees, playing coy with the orange and light blue sky. "I'm perfectly content just looking."

Kyungsoo feels Jongin's gaze on the side of his face the same way his gaze is taking in the beauty of the lake.

He wonders if the way they feel towards what they're seeing is the same.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo comes over to Jongin's house for dinner that Wednesday. Jongin thought that instead of their usual cooking and dinner hang out at Kyungsoo's place, Kyungsoo can finally come over and have dinner with his mother. Jongin said she's been wanting to see him again, not having seen him since his and Jongin's sleepovers that summer years ago.

They drive to Jongin's house after last period, a pie on the younger's lap on the passenger seat. Kyungsoo brought dessert, a classic good ol' American apple pie for Jongin's mother as a gift. He pre-baked it the night before, storing it for a final bake at Jongin's house after dinner. He also brought Korean pears which he bought from Hanshim yesterday, much to Hyunsoo's surprise. Kyungsoo fought tooth and nail to get the three beautifully wrapped pears now sitting on the floor by Jongin's feet.

The minute they open the door, Jongin's mother walks out the kitchen in her red apron, hair tied up in a messy bun with a wooden spoon on her hand and a wide welcoming smile on her face. She's tall and slender, in her late 50s but still looks like she's in her mid 40s, the Asian skin blessing her with the usual anti-aging process. Her facial features are sharp but softened by the warmth in her eyes, just like Jongin's. Kyungsoo remembers thinking that Jongin's mother was beautiful, and he would often wonder how his mother would have looked to his friends if he has them come over. Would they find his mother pretty too? Kyungsoo always thought his mother was, and seeing Jongin's mother every time he went and slept at his house made Kyungsoo miss her more than usual.

"Soo! Come here for a hug," she greets in Korean, arms extending as she walks and meets Kyungsoo halfway. "My, how you've grown!"

Kyungsoo is engulfed in the warmth of her embrace and it takes him back to those summer nights of missing his mother as he lies awake on the floor of Jongin's bedroom in his sleeping bag. She smells homey, like a mixture of _gochukaru_ and soap suds. Kyungsoo hugs her back just a little bit tighter before he lets go.

"I haven't really grown that much," Kyungsoo laughs, turning to Jongin who is looking at him and his mother with that same look again, tender and soft and sweet. Kyungsoo tries to smile back. "I brought dessert. Apple pie and some Korean pears."

"Oh no, Kyungsoo, you didn't have to!" She looks at the box in Jongin's hands and the wrapped fruits dangling from a bag. "But thank you dear, we'll eat them well." She takes the box and the bag from Jongin, returning to the kitchen.

Kyungsoo looks around. The house still looks the same - same paint, same carpet, same couch. Maybe it got smaller but only because Kyungsoo did get taller. He walks around the living room, looking the same way Jongin did when he first went over. It feels both familiar and different, like remembering something only to find that it's changed, not because the appearance has changed but because the way you look at it has changed. Like the pictures on the wall. Kyungsoo sees a few photos of Jongin's father are back up on the wall again. But they're not the same photos as before. All of the photos now are of him with them all as a family. There's one in front of Namsan Tower, one in Jejudo, one in San Francisco and another one in New York. In all of the pictures, Jongin's father has a big bright smile on his face, both arms extended around his wife and son and daughters' shoulders.

Jongin sees where he's looking and comes over. "I asked mom," he says, looking too. "She said yes."

"The pictures you picked are beautiful," Kyungsoo observes, smiling as he looks at each.

"I love these pictures best," Jongin says with a smile, picking one up and touching his father's arm that's wound around his shoulder.

"I'm sure he loves them too."

"Really?"

"Really."

Eventually, Jongin's mother calls them to the kitchen to sit down for dinner, laying down a feast of _bossam_ complete with _kaetnip_ and lettuce leaves including all the condiments and an assortment of banchans. Kyungsoo looks at Jongin across the table who's looking at the dishes with a happy smile on his face.

Jongin told him his mother stopped cooking when his father passed away, having lost the will to prepare dinner for herself to eat alone. Both her older daughters had already moved out - Nayoung in New York with her cafe, Seungin in San Francisco pursuing theater. Jongin seldom eats dinner at home, always busy with dance. She said it was lonely to cook for a serving of one so she just eventually stopped. Jongin said he always felt bad, how he's never home to eat with her. But ever since Jongin started bringing Kyungsoo's food home, his mother showed a renewed interest in food. It made Jongin happy, which in turn made Kyungsoo happy. To know that his cooking has brought someone enough joy to to want to cook again is more than worth it for him.

When they finally dig in, picking at the pork knuckles with their chopsticks, Kyungsoo locks eyes with Jongin over the _ssamjjang_. They look at each other a second too long until Jongin smiles, those crescent moon eyes of his appearing like starlights on his face. Kyungsoo should be used to it by now but he still feels the warmth of a blush creep across his cheeks.

Jongin mouths at him, _Thank you, hyung_.

Kyungsoo doesn't ask for what, but he feels like he already knows why.

 

\--

 

Hyunsoo finds out that Jongin dances Friday night.

Jongin came over for movie night straight from practice, fresh out of the shower in his newly changed clothes. He's wearing that hideous _ahjushi_ square pants he was wearing that night in Hanshim, topped by a brown bear zip up hoodie that looks soft to the touch. Jongin looked comfy and honestly, in Kyungsoo's opinion, very cuddly. Not that he's cuddled with anyone before, of course. But it just seemed like it.

(He also wanted to test this hypothesis but has not yet found the perfect opportunity to do so.)

Instead of cooking, they order three boxes of pizza to share. Kyungsoo puts Kingdom on chromecast so they can all watch. However, it only plays in the background as Jongin and Hyunsoo gets into a heated argument about the age-old debate of pineapple on pizza. Kyungsoo decides to keep his silence and tries to concentrate on the gorgeous Bae Doona but is unsuccessful. At one point in episode 2, he feels a foot connect with his thigh only to look up and see Hyunsoo kicking about while Jongin has him pinned on the couch. Kyungsoo rolls his eyes and give up.

In a last ditch effort to preserve world peace, Kyungsoo changes input to satellite and switches the channel to Hyunsoo's favorite dance show, America's Best Dance Crew. How this show got past Season 8 is beyond him.

But of course, Kyungsoo should have known.

Jongin, still salty with Hyunsoo hating on his pineapples, starts to criticize all the performing groups on the show. Hyunsoo was mad, of course.

"Psh, they all dance like robots," Jongin dismisses the second group.

"That's their concept!" Hyunsoo defends.

"Well, their concept needs an overhaul. They should add some of other own flavor into the routine, some personality. If they only dance like robots in unison, it might look cool but what's the point? Where's the heart?" Jongin rants, trying to rile Hyunsoo up some more. Hyunsoo, however, pauses and looks at Jongin, eyes narrowed.

"And how would you know anything about dance?" his youngest brother asks. Kyungsoo feels a sense of impending doom.

"Well, I captain Adler High's dance crew, that's why," Jongin says, a rare display of pride as he puffs off his chest to brag.

Hyunsoo's face suddenly changes, lighting up like a tree on Christmas. "No, you're kidding."

"Am not," Jongin insists, pulling his phone from his pocket. He taps around and hands it to Hyunsoo, a smug smile on his lips. "Some clips from practice, if you want to see."

Hyunsoo presses play and the slow jam of an RnB song comes out from the phone's tiny speakers. Kyungsoo can't see the screen but he can see Hyunsoo's face, slack-jawed at what he's seeing. Kyungsoo knows that feeling.

Jongin leans back on the couch, smug smile not leaving his lips as he watches Hyunsoo's reaction. "So, what do you think? Good enough?"

Kyungsoo has not yet seen this side of Jongin. It looks almost out of place, this cuddly looking bear of a guy smirking that confident smile of his, knowing full well how good he is. Kyungsoo finds it extremely attractive.

"Oh my god, Jongin hyung!!!!!!" Hyunsoo starts freaking out when the song comes to a stop. He eagerly plays another one but Jongin takes his phone back. "Nooooo! Give it back. Hyung, please, can I see more. Holy smokes, you're so good!!!"

"Er- really?" Jongin suddenly turns shy, the smug smile on his face morphing into one of genuine happiness at the compliment.

"Really! I swear. Jongin hyung, can I see another video, please?" Hyunsoo is practically grovelling at Jongin's feet. Jongin pretends to think for a second or two, then smiles grandly.

"I will let you watch all the videos you want-"

"Wow! Jongin hyung, thank you so much-"

"-if you admit that pineapple belongs on a pizza."

Hyunsoo stops his rejoicing and looks at Jongin like he grew two heads in the span of a second.

"I'm sorry, what?" Hyunsoo looks deeply offended. Kyungsoo would have found it funny if not for the fact that they're discussing toppings. On a pizza. "That's not fair! You can't do that!"

"Well, I can. Because I'm both the dancer and choreographer of these dances you want to see. Plus this is my phone," Jongin shrugs, making a show of putting his phone back in his pocket. "Admit it and I will give you access."

"Jongin hyung…"

"I'll teach you how to dance?" Jongin casually drops. "As a bonus. If you eat a slice of Hawaiian."

Hyunsoo's eyes go wide, almost as wide as Kyungsoo's on a good day. In a flash, Hyunsoo picks his most hated pizza up and without hesitation, takes a huge bite. He looks about ready to cry as he says through his mouthful, "Pineapple belongs on a pizza."

Jongin beams in triumph, handing the poor kid his phone with delight. They begin discussing dance lessons and when they're both available. It's obvious, even to Kyungsoo, that Jongin wanted to teach Hyunsoo too. He looks just as eager as Hyunsoo does while they check the calendar on Jongin's phone to add plans. He just wanted to tease, which Kyungsoo admits is pretty damn impressive. Hyunsoo got a taste of his own scheming medicine. Serves him right.

Kyungsoo watches them for a while, matching and adding dates, discussing dance. Hyunsoo has had no formal lessons, no training at all, having had devoted most of his time to track. But he's eager to learn, and Jongin seems to love that.

When Kyungsoo sees Jongin swipe to December, he feels a knot form in his stomach. December. They're making plans until December. Well, it's only natural. November is almost over. A few more days and the first snow will fall, bringing with it winter. Soon, the term will close and winter break will be here, which means Seungsoo will be back soon!

Winter break. Other than Seungsoo, other foreign students will come back home on winter break. Like Yixing, whose exchange student program will end this December.

The knots in Kyungsoo's stomach tighten. He looks at Jongin, the smile on his face so happy and carefree, discussing dance excitedly with Hyunsoo on the couch, boxes of unfinished pizza still on the coffee table. Jongin looks comfortable in their living room, like he's belonged here since forever. Sometimes it's so easy to forget that they aren't really dating. That this is just a plan they discussed and drafted a contract for in the dim lighting of the library hall.

Kyungsoo wonders what will happen when December comes. How they will part ways. Will they still remain friends? They must at least still be friends after, right? This easy friendship, this banter, this sense of belonging, these butterflies and sweet touches, comforting gestures and shy glances - what will happen to them come December?

Kyungsoo wanted this because he saw it as an opportunity to figure things out, but now that he has, he doesn't know what to do with what he's figured out.

 

\--

 

The following weekend, Jongin invites Kyungsoo for another drive.

This time, they do it on a Sunday so Kyungsoo got to take Hyunsoo to track practice first and make up for ditching him the last two weeks. He bought Hyunsoo not only two scoops of mud pie ice cream but all the extra toppings and upgraded the order to a waffle cone too. Hyunsoo was over the moon, of course. He was excited to talk a little about practice and a lot about dance while he ate his frozen treat bundled up in his scarf, thick beanie and long padded coat. Almost all they talked about the whole time they were at The Creamery was Jongin. Hyunsoo would not shut up about him! Ever since he knew Jongin can dance and is damn exceptional at it, he's all he's ever talked about. At first Kyungsoo thought it was cute, but then it got a little annoying, now Kyungsoo just feels sad that he's getting irrationally upset when he has no reason nor right to be.

Jongin said to dress warmly so Kyungsoo wraps himself in his usual all-black ensemble for almost-winter, right down to the thick black boots. Seungsoo once called it his "killer burrito" look but Kyungsoo values warmth and comfort above style so he refuses to change his choices in fashion. Seungsoo can keep his F/W 2018/2019 catalogs to himself. When Jongin rings the doorbell to pick him up in the late afternoon, Kyungsoo feels justified to see that Jongin is just as equally wrapped up as he is. Only instead of black, Jongin is dressed in all brown with a dash of mustard-yellow on his boots.

November is just a small step shy away from winter, the air chilly as it is frosty. There is bite in the wind that whistles past Kyungsoo's ear as he walks to the car. It hasn't snowed yet, the earth still covered in decaying leaves and not in snow, but it's easy to see the gradual transition from crisp air to bite in the air.

Jongin brought his mother's car again but this time he doesn't get in the driver's seat. He opens the door on the passenger's side and slips inside. "Get in, hyung!"

So Kyungsoo does. He fastens himself in, adjusts the temperature, checks his mirrors. He looks at the GPS and asks, "Where are we going?"

"Nowhere," Jongin answers, that same cheeky grin from last week on his face.

"What do you mean nowhere? I need to set this thing up," Kyungsoo begins to tap around the screen. It's a different model from the one in his car. He doesn't want to press anything that might cause Jongin's mother any trouble. "How about you key it in? I'm not familiar with this."

Kyungsoo sighs but finally starts the car, moving slowly down their street.

Beside him, Jongin just shrugs and takes out a map from his backpack. A legit map. The folded kind. "So I was thinking we can just drive around-"

"Jongin…"

"Look for a good place until we run out of gas-"

"Jongin…"

"Fine. It's just that, last week you looked so stressed out when you didn't know where we were going so I thought this week we can go wherever. You drive."

Kyungsoo pauses at that, grip on the steering wheel tight, just as his heart stops and stutters and then speeds up. Jongin looks mighty pleased with himself but his smile turns tender and his eyes turn soft when he sees the look on Kyungsoo's face.

That summer ago, when Kyungsoo was thirteen and Jongin twelve, they drove their bikes around town not knowing where to go. Jongin just arrived from Korea then, his English broken and accented the same way Kyungsoo's Korean was broken and accented. Jongin didn't know a thing about Adler. He followed Kyungsoo around because he thought Kyungsoo knows the place. And why wouldn't he? Kyungsoo was born here after all, has spent all of his thirteen years in this neighborhood. But the truth of the matter was that Kyungsoo didn't know Adler just as much as Jongin doesn't. He never went outside to play like Seungsoo did. The only places he knew to go to were his school, his home and Hanshim. He preferred staying inside watching his movies or cooking in the kitchen. He was pastey white especially during winter. But then Jongin came along.

Jongin looked scrawny then, thin arms and unruly hair. But he has beautiful even skin, not dark or brown, but like warm sand in summer. Kyungsoo liked him immediately. When Jongin asked him if he would like to bike around town to show him around, Kyungsoo said yes. He borrowed Seungsoo's bike, a little too big for him, and led Jongin along streets they both have never been to before.

"Hyung?" Jongin's voice asks in the silence of the car, smile on his face, map open on his lap. "I know I'm bad with directions but I brought a map just in case. But this is you. Wherever you want, we'll go."

"Jongin, this is…" Kyungsoo doesn't know how to say it. Sweet. Touching. Romantic.

"A good date idea?" Jongin beams at him, eyes happy. Kyungsoo's heart jumps at the word 'date'. "I know. You're lucky to have me as your boyfriend, huh?" Jongin winks at him and Kyungsoo feels static spring up on his skin like gooseflesh.

"Pretend-boyfriend," Kyungsoo corrects him before his mind can process. He regrets it immediately. Jongin's face falls, the wide smile on his lips wiped out in an instant, the light in his eyes dim and then flicker dark. He swallows, blinks at Kyungsoo one two three times. Then he looks down at the map in his hands. Kyungsoo feels the static under his skin fizzle and burn at the same time.

"Right, of course. _Pretend_ -boyfriend," Jongin says softly but the lace of bitterness in his words is unmistakable. "Silly me. Sorry."

Kyungsoo wants to take it back. He doesn't do this - speak without thinking. But it's true though. They aren't really dating. Sure, they never really talk about it but it's there. It does get confusing sometimes. They act like a couple, talk like a couple. Kyungsoo can even see how their lunches and regular cooking at home hang outs, the movie nights and the lake trip can be considered dates. Of course there never were any outright declarations of affections in words, but sometimes their eyes will lock and their hands will find each other's across the console of Kyungsoo's car or across the counter or the table top and-

Kyungsoo can see- no. Kyungsoo knows how easy it is to forget that this isn't all just a plan, that this has an expiration date, a date that is drawing nearer and nearer as sure as winter comes.

Kyungsoo finds small comfort in the fact that he's not the only one who forgets.

He looks at Jongin, still sitting still, eyes on the map in his hands. But Kyungsoo can see he's not really looking, staring at the same spot for moments now. His hold on the ends of the map has formed creases, crumpled in his tight grip. Kyungsoo's heart cracks a little, cracks some more, but he takes a deep breath and drives on.

 

\--

 

They drive in silence for a while, neither speaking. It's not the comfortable silence that they usually share. That one, Kyungsoo enjoys. But this, it's different. The silence in the first few stretches of roads they pass by is heavy, almost suffocating. Like the air is filled with phantom words that neither of them wants to say. Indeed, Kyungsoo has some things he wants to say but all of them he hasn't yet properly formulated in his head. He's confused as he is afraid.

 

\--

 

Jongin connects his phone to the speaker just as they make a turn on Abbot Church, the long road ahead stretching before them. Lining the pavement are almost-bare trees, branches pointing up to the sky naked of their leaves. The sun is almost setting, low on the horizon as they pass Vinzons, then Rayman's, old factories that used to be the central industry in Adler long before they were born. Now they are just abandoned buildings. Beyond their cluster of stocky buildings is a pond, where frogs would frolic in the summer. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo and Jongin spent many afternoons by that pond that summer, running along the stream that runs to and away from it. Kyungsoo hasn't been here for a very long time, the road seems narrower than he remembers, passing by it in his car rather than his bicycle. Kyungsoo opts to take a left up Anderson Hill Road where the trees become denser and the road becomes narrower.

The opening notes of a G.Soul song plays softly from the speaker. Kyungsoo glances at Jongin, tapping on his phone as he adjusts the volume. Satisfied, the younger turns to look out the window.

They enjoy the music in silence until the second chorus when Kyungsoo begins to hum along. Kyungsoo sees Jongin move in his peripheral vision and soon enough feels the familiar weight of Jongin's stare on the side of his face. Jongin just looks. Kyungsoo wants to turn and look back but he focuses on the road ahead.

"Hyung," Jongin finally says, his first word since they left Kyungsoo's street. "Can you sing along?"

Kyungsoo doesn't hesitate. He sings along, a small smile lifting his cheeks as he does so. He's happy to hear Jongin's voice again, happy that Jongin is talking again. He puts emotions in his singing, the happy feeling in his heart lifting his voice with confidence.

Beside him, he sees Jongin smile, watching him.

 

\--

 

They stop at the end of the road uphill to Stanley Point, the cement cutting off as the side of the hill drops off to a cliff. The sun has fully set now, the place illuminated by the street lights on either side. Up in the sky, the stars have appeared in a faint glow but brighter than them are the lights down below. From where they are, Kyungsoo can see the dotted lights of residential houses, spaces in between. But as the lights converge up north towards the freeway, the lights become a cluster of dense downtown colors.

If they had a little bit of sunlight left, they could have gotten out of the car and went down to the railings to look over Adler. But the November night air is too cold to brave and so they decide to stay inside the toasty warmth of the car instead. From here, they can still see down below, although it's more sky and horizon than the view of trees and pond and stream people usually come here for. Kyungsoo didn't have a destination in mind, just driving through familiar roads. However, Stanley isn't a bad place to end the night, Kyungsoo supposes.

Kyungsoo has sang along to a good number of RnB songs on their way up, from Kim Bum Soo to The Weeknd, from Boyz 2 Men to 4MEN. Jongin's RnB playlist is extensive and he's pleasantly surprised that they have very similar tastes in music. What really makes Kyungsoo happy though is that with ever song he sang, the heavy air in the car seemed to seep out the door little by little, that by the time they come to a stop, the last notes of Musiq Soulchild's If You Leave playing in the car, Kyungsoo can tell that the suffocating words left unsaid has already evaporated into thin air, gone. Jongin showered him with praises nonstop the whole time, interjecting only in between songs. Jongin only sat there with a happy and content look on his face as Kyungsoo sang along to his favorite songs.

Kyungsoo sets the car on park as Jongin rummages around his backpack down on his feet, pulling out a thermos when he straightens up. He shakes it around then twists it open, pouring thick dark brown liquid onto the lid.

"Hot choco," Jongin tells him, handing the drink to Kyungsoo. "For your throat, hyung. You sang like ten or so songs."

Kyungsoo gladly takes the offered cup, the warmth of the drink as soothing on his palm as the steam that wafts up. "Thanks," Kyungsoo says with a smile as he sips the sweet hot choco, immediately warming him up from the inside.

Jongin returns the smile, but Kyungsoo feels like it's not as bright as his usual. The younger faces ahead, looking out onto the sky dotted by faint starlights. His side profile is sharp, the slope of his nose, the curl of his lashes, the pout of his lips, his high cheekbones. Jongin looks gorgeous even with just half of his face. Kyungsoo stares, enjoying the view as he does the hot choco.

A ringing sound breaks the silence, startling Kyungsoo with it's piercing pitch in the confines of the car. Jongin bend down to fish for his phone in his backpack, pulling it up to read the caller's name only to chuck it back inside. The ringing continues for a few more seconds until the line cuts, then a continuous ping of messages follows.

Jongin sighs, lips set in a tight line as he takes the phone out again and turns it off before throwing it on the dashboard. Kyungsoo sips in silence, observing. He's seen Jongin like this before.

"Yixing?" Kyungsoo guesses, earning him a laugh and a smile.

"How do you always get it right?" Jongin asks him. Kyungsoo only shrugs, not wanting to tell him that the only times he's ever seen Jongin look so frustrated was when he fell down and broke his ankle freshman year and whenever Yixing talks to him or tries to call him. "Yeah, it's him."

"I thought he already left you alone?" Kyungsoo doesn't know why he suddenly feels that old pinch in his chest, the same one he felt in the parking lot that day he saw the two of them fighting by the school building.

"He has but…" Jongin looks down at his lap, the thermos in his hands grasped tightly like a lifeline. "He called me yesterday night and kept bugging me again with the same old thing." Jongin shakes his head, clearly frustrated. "I told him no. Again."

Kyungsoo is surprised Yixing is being so persistent. Wasn't this all so he would leave Jongin alone? "I don't understand. He hasn't bothered you since we…" Kyungsoo trails off, not knowing if he should finish the thought. Surprisingly, Jongin does it for him.

"Since we started pretending we were together, yeah. He hasn't. I'm just as stumped as you are," Jongin says it with bite, as cold as the chilling November wind outside. There it is, a reminder again. Would Jongin have mentioned this if Kyungsoo didn't stupidly bring it up awhile ago? Would he have kept this from Kyungsoo and glossed over the call? The frustration in Jongin's voice is hard to pinpoint.

"Isn't he leaving soon?" Kyungsoo asks carefully. The drink in his hands has lost its warmth now. And even though the AC is providing enough heat, Kyungsoo feels like the cold air has started to seep inside from the outside. "Why would he want you back if he's going to be gone in a few days?" As the sentence leaves his mouth, Kyungsoo realizes that yes, Yixing will indeed be leaving in a few days. That means this will end in a few days as well. The thought makes Kyungsoo's heart clench painfully in his chest. It feels like he's running out of time before his rom-com ends.

Jongin doesn't answer him for a long while, the younger just looking down at the thermos in his hands. Kyungsoo eventually finishes his drink, reaching over to twist the cup back on himself. Jongin just lets him. "Here, let me take that," he says, pulling the thermos from Jongin's strong grip and setting it on the dashboard by the younger's phone. It frees up Jongin's hand which Kyungsoo reaches for. Jongin looks up to him at the touch, a grateful smile blossoming on his face. Kyungsoo wraps his fingers securely on the warm hand resting on the younger's lap, hoping it will help.

"Do you know why we broke up, hyung?" Jongin suddenly asks, voice soft and low. "Yixing and I?"

"Because he cheated on you?"

"No," Jongin shakes his head, his smile turning bitter. Kyungsoo is surprised at his answer. The only thing Kyungsoo knows was what Baekhyun told him, rumors which he very much knows himself aren't always accurate or true. "Well, that's part of it but there's more to it, I guess."

"Is that why he's still pestering you even until now?"

"I think so. Maybe. I don't know, hyung," and Jongin looks so sad, so defeated that Kyungsoo turns his whole body around so he can grab both of Jongin's hands in his. The younger opens his mouth only for him to close it again.

"You don't have to tell me," Kyungsoo tells him softly, seeing how Jongin is seemingly having a hard time getting his words out.

"No, hyung. I want to tell you. If there's someone I can tell, it's you," Jongin looks at him straight on, his eyes seemed set and determined. "Yixing, he- he wanted us to have sex."

That… was not what Kyungsoo was expecting. Totally not that. His surprise must have shown on his face because Jongin continued on to explain.

"Ever since summer, he's been telling me he wanted to go further. Of course we've kissed, we've fooled around but he wanted more. I said no. Each time. I told him I was't ready yet," Jongin says with a little laugh, but his eyes hold a different kind of weight that isn't at all light. Kyungsoo squeezes his hands, smoothing with the pad of his thumbs the warm skin in his hold. "And I know it sounds stupid, hyung. We're teenagers. We're in high school. It's not uncommon, totally not unheard of but sometimes… sometimes you're just not ready yet, you know? Even when other people expect you to be or because everyone around you already is. It's like feeling left out but at the same time, you don't want to force it. I don't want to force it. So I said no."

Kyungsoo feels his heart breaking at the look on Jongin's face, the furrow of his brow, the downturn of his lips. There are shadows on his face that are not cast by the light from the outside, but seemingly cast by emotions he's wanted to let out.

"We had a big fight that weekend before school started. He was trying to persuade me again. When I refused, he called me a prude, called me names, all in that same calm voice he uses when he greets you in the hallway. I keep feeling like I was the one in the wrong because I was the only one getting angry and raising my voice at him. After we fought, he left and went to some college party up north and I guess you know the rest of the story." Jongin shrugs when he finishes, like he's trying to make it seem like he's over it but Kyungsoo can see, clear as day, that he isn't.

The only thing Kyungsoo can do is offer comfort by holding his hand. "I heard from Baekhyun. That you were angry at him."

"You know why I was so angry at him then?" Jongin's voice turns steely. Kyungsoo feels a shiver run down his spine at the coldness in the younger's voice. "I was so angry because he tried to pin the blame on me. He said they just kissed and fooled around. That nothing happened. When I wasn't having any of it, he broke up with me first, telling me he only cheated because I wouldn't put out for him."

"Jongin, that's so-"

"Awful? It is. I was angry and confused and I hated him. I thought with us, he'll finally stop. And he did, he did stop. He hasn't bothered me for weeks. But yesterday he asked to talk after practice and… I shouldn't have agreed." Jongin's shoulders slump down in a hunch, that defeated look on his reappearing. "He said it didn't work out with the guy from McKinely so he tried pursuing this senior but the guy dropped him last Friday. So he asked me again, told me he didn't want a relationship if I'm already in one. He just wanted to hook up."

"He what?" Kyungsoo can't believe what he's hearing. It sounds straight out of a bad teenage chick-flick rerun on CBS, the kind that only airs in the dead of the night.

"I know this isn't for me to share but- he said he wants to lose his virginity before he comes back to China," Jongin lets out. "Which is cool and all, you know? It explains why he suddenly went from sweet and caring to persuasive and demanding over the summer but then he started saying crazy stuff about me. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid, Jongin," Kyungsoo tries to reassure him, hoping there's a way that he can paint over the frown on the younger's face with a smile.

"He asked me why I won't just agree. He said I hump the floor like it's nothing, that I dance half naked on stage, how when I dance I get this look in my eyes-" Jongin stops, the words seemingly stuck in his throat. Kyungsoo's heart breaks all over again. When Jongin speaks, his voice is a mixture of angry and defeated. "I don't know, hyung. Is that really all that people see when dance? Is that why he went after me at first? Because he thought I was easy?"

"Jongin, no. No, don't say that," Kyungsoo tightens his hold on the younger's hands, hoping he can somehow make everything better, erase those ugly doubts about his dancing away. Maybe, a little more honesty can help. "Jongin, listen to me. There's no one else I've seen that dances better than you do. Believe me. I know because I've watched all of your crew's performances since last year. No, not just the competition two weeks ago, but the ones before that too. I've watched them all. And there's no one from any school anywhere else who even comes close to how passionate you are on stage, how amazing you are. There's no one quite like you, Jongin. Not in this century."

The way Jongin's eyes light up at Kyungsoo's words more than makes up for the horror of having spilled something he has kept secret from anyone, something he has been sneaking around for. Admitting it out loud is like putting out something to air from the deepest depth of his soul, something that was only for him but is now for Jongin too.

"Hyung, I didn't know…"

"I went just to watch you dance because you're that good, Jongin. So don't mind Yixing's words. Whatever he thought of you, that wasn't you. That was all him, okay?"

The younger nods his head, pulling Kyungsoo's hands towards him closer and holding them in his too, their fingers tangling in a mess of warmth and comfort. "I didn't know you thought so highly of my dancing like that."

"You deserve to know," Kyungsoo tells him, hoping his honesty has helped even just for a little bit. Jongin doesn't deserve this kind of treatment from the very people he trusted - Yixing, his own dance crew, people he value in his life.

"I'm happy I got to tell you about this, hyung. It's been so hard, keeping it to myself."

"Wait, you haven't told this to anyone? Not even your team?"

"Oh no, hyung. I could never tell them," Jongin shakes his head, a tender smile coming over his face. "I'm team captain of the crew. I don't want to create more drama than there already is, you know? Because they'e right, teamwork is important. And sometimes, there are things you just learn to keep to yourself to keep the team working as a whole, rather than tear it down. Yixing will be gone in a few weeks anyway. We'll build the team back up then and be ready for next year."

Jongin continuously surprises Kyungsoo in the most unexpected of ways. How sometimes he can be childish with Hyunsoo, a nerd when he helps Kyungsoo with his homework, then a total sweetheart with his mom, but when he's on stage he turns into a total performer. Kyungsoo's favorite though is when Jongin is just sitting with him like this, talking to him, telling him his thoughts and his dreams. Kyungsoo likes talking to Jongin because Jongin thinks like he reads, extensively and differently.

Kyungsoo disliked Yixing the minute Baekhyun told him he cheated on Jongin that first day back to school. But hearing the full story now, Kyungsoo realizes that dislike he felt back then is disproportionate to how much more he deserves with what he's done. This is the full story that gossips don't cover, that gossips like Baekhyun don't know. They don't make the rounds because the people involved chose to keep them to themselves to minimize the damages. People like Jongin who is content with knowing the truth themselves, who don't need the validation of others to know that they are right. Jongin's advice or beliefs, things he's picked up from his books, they don't always have to be right, nor are they all right. Sometimes, Kyungsoo's noticed, they even contradict each other. But there's beauty in that too, he thinks. That Jongin is open and exposed to so many things that he isn't stuck in just one dimension.

"Jongin, you honestly didn't have to tell me at all and yet you still did." Kyungsoo is happy and grateful. "Thank you for trusting me."

Jongin lifts a shoulder in a shrug as an answer, a small tilt of his head. But there's a slight pink tinge on his cheeks, illuminated by the yellow streetlight. "It's nothing. I just feel really comfortable with you. It's like, I don't need to match myself to you because I already do. I like talking to you. You're a good listener, hyung."

Sometimes, Kyungsoo wonders why it's always so easy to tell Jongin everything when he was essentially a stranger from his childhood. How right from the start, Kyungsoo opened up to him and trusted him the way twelve year old Jongin blindly trusted thirteen year old Kyungsoo down every road around town, both not knowing where to go. Kyungsoo thought it was because Jongin has always been a constant to him despite being from a distance, or maybe because Jongin discovered and embraced his sexuality first in a way that Kyungsoo hasn't. In film, it's movie magic when that connection is found. The viewers will always know because the realization on the leads' faces will show and the camera will go into slow-mo. That doesn't happen in real life but Kyungsoo still feels a shift, a tug and a tilt as Jongin's words slide his own thoughts in focus. He's right. They just match.

Kyungsoo feels his heart swell, the happiness he feels almost hard to contain. He smiles at Jongin, looks him in the eyes and says, "Me too. I feel the same way."

Seungsoo always told him to make more friends like Hyunsoo does and Baekhyun always wanted him to join his clubs to meet more people. His father gave up asking if he wanted a huge birthday party and invite the neighborhood kids as early as when he was seven. It's not that Kyungsoo hates people. He's neutral to them. He just dislikes how he needs to adjust himself to everyone around him, all to maintain a good relationship with them. It's exhausting.

There's a concept he remembers from Sociology class that stuck with him. The guy who formulated it was in the film industry and Kyungsoo remembered the term. Dramaturgical Analysis of Social Interaction. He doesn't remember the exact words to define it but it has something to do with how everyone are all actors in their day to day lives, how people wear masks depending on who they're with, who they're talking to and why. Kyungsoo found it relatable.

With Jongin, however, he was always just him. Just Kyungsoo. He never felt the need to change how he acts just to please him, to make Jongin like him. Jongin just naturally liked his cooking, laughed at all of Kyungsoo's lame jokes and appreciated his singing. Kyungsoo felt accepted in a way he only felt with his own family. Jongin isn't family but he feels like home.

Kyungsoo knows how easy it is to forget this isn't all real because of moments like this, when they're alone and all Kyungsoo wants to do is to lean in and kiss him. It's obvious. Kyungsoo knows he can't keep running away forever. November is coming to an end and with it, the contract saved in his email. Whatever this is, Kyungsoo has a feeling he doesn't want it to end. But before that, before everything else, he wants to tie up all of his lose ends.

 

 

 

 

 

// December

Winter is Kyungsoo's least favorite season. It paints the town a dull muddy brown with blotches of puddles on the ground and when it starts to heavily snow, everything becomes covered in bland white. Winter winds are harsher too, unforgiving and punishing to the forgetful of gloves and scarves, of boots and thick wool hats. Winter has not yet come this year, however, the last of autumn clinging to the bare naked trees, but Kyungsoo can feel the change in the air, in the way people dress and the way they chatter. Winter makes people cluster together tighter, seeking warmth from each other. Winter for Kyungsoo feels lonelier, feels too singular. He likes the choice of isolation but dislikes when it's forced by the season.

This December, however, Kyungsoo has Jongin who follows him around wherever he goes. Just the other day, Baekhyun called Jongin an overeager puppy to which Kyungsoo did not disagree. Surprisingly, the younger did not take offence and embraced his new identity. This irritated Baekhyun greatly.

One good thing about the cold is that it makes people lazy, lenient. Instead of regular classes, teachers let them complete projects and papers, let them study for the final tests after winter break. Many hold consulting hours for tutorials and extra credit points, all of which Jongin took advantage of but Kyungsoo ignored. Baekhyun, with his plethora of clubs is saddled with activities. Jongin, only having to deal with the Winter Fundraiser, has more time in his hands. When he's not holed up in the dance studio for practice, he's at Kyungsoo's house either helping Kyungsoo cook or teaching Hyunsoo dance. He only stays for dinner on Wednesdays though, choosing to go home and eat dinner with his mother otherwise. Still, Jongin has began to stay a noticeable amount of time at their house, much more than Baekhyun does, that it would be no surprise if his father had already caught on to the fact that he's pseudo-adopted another mouth to feed. But if he's noticed, he doesn't mention it.

In just a few days, the first snow will start to fall and soon enough, Seungsoo will come home. As does Yixing.

In truth, there really is no other reason for Kyungsoo and Jongin to continue pretending. Who are they even pretending to now? Yixing backed off only to get his dig one last time, unmindful that Jongin is in a relationship, and Jongin's whole crew has dropped the issue altogether a long time ago. Kyungsoo, on the other hand, has gotten his peace of mind from the rumors and the gossips and everyone has moved on. More importantly, however, he has answered all the questions he needed answers for, even the ones he didn't know he had.

Kyungsoo thought he would dread the wait leading to their plan coming to an end. Instead, the wait has allowed him to come to terms with his thoughts, the realizations, his feelings. Jongin told him from the very beginning that coming out is a choice, that he does not owe anyone an explanation of who he is, that labels are not mandatory. And while he has somewhat come out to a high school full of students, even as part of a made-up cover, he has not yet told his father, nor Seungsoo, not even Hyunsoo.

Kyungsoo has been building up the courage to tell his father ever since that last Sunday of November, when Jongin opened up to him more than Kyungsoo ever deserved to be trusted. It made Kyungsoo realize that Jongin is someone he doesn't want to part with after all of this. He thought that maybe there is a reason Jongin has always been a constant driving force in his life - whether they were apart or together. Kyungsoo cannot go back to how they were before. He wants to keep Jongin close. And to keep him close, Kyungsoo has to stop sneaking around.

 

\--

 

During exceptionally chilly days, Kyungsoo's father always requests a steaming hot pot of simple _kimchi jjigae_ for dinner. Today, he even volunteered to help Kyungsoo cook. Hyunsoo, defeated with his request to cook chicken pot pie again, went upstairs to his room to sulk. Kyungsoo felt a little bit bad, not wanting to stifle Hyunsoo's budding interest in cooking but he also knows Hyunsoo loves a good _jjigae_ like any other. He'll get over it.

"How many do I need to put again?" Kyungsoo's father is attempting to behead and de-gut the anchovies for the stock, insisting that Kyungsoo let him do it. Kyungsoo, not trusting his father to not use at least four knives in slicing and cutting up the other ingredients, graciously gave him the task.

"About twelve if they're small but ten if they're larger," Kyungsoo answers, cutting the radish as thinly as possible.

"How do I know if they're small or large?"

Kyungsoo looks up to see his father holding two anchovies up by the tail, the small dried fishes dangling in the air. Kyungsoo snickers at the dainty pinky lift. "Left is large. The right is large too though. Just find eight more about that size and you're good." His father nods and begins digging around the container for said size. "But dad, why are you holding them like they're dirty? It's just food."

"Sorry, force of habit," his dad chuckles, lining up all the anchovies he's fished out on a new plate. "You know how we do things at the hospital. Always gotta wash the hands, use fresh tools-"

"Wait. Wait. Is that why you use every knife when you cook?" Kyungsoo's eyes widen at the realization. Holy shit. Seungsoo will not believe this when he tells him. "And every plate? And every pot?"

"Yeah, I mean, you can't use the same thing twice without cleaning it first, yeah?" his father shrugs, carefully pulling the head off the first fish.

Kyungsoo can't believe this. "Dad, you can use knives when chopping up same colored vegetables, at least. Or just wipe the blade off with a kitchen towel."

His father, now on his third anchovy, nods. "Okay, sure. I'll remember next time."

Huh? That's it? "So you're just gonna use one knife now? One plate? One bowl?"

"Yeah, no problem. Hey, do you think this fish is gutted well enough?" He hands Kyungsoo one, completely glossing over the fact that one of Seungsoo's biggest problems as the resident dish washer could have been solved by just telling their dad. Is it this easy? To tell someone and they will just accept it?

Can Kyungsoo tell his father now and be accepted?

In the back of his mind, he knows his father will love him no matter what. But still, he's afraid. Of what? Of rejection? Of finally admitting it out loud? Maybe both but-

_'Don't sneak'._

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath, steels himself. He can do this.

He looks at the anchovy in his hand and sees that the gut was properly taken out. "Yeah, this one's good," Kyungsoo says, handing it back. His father smiles widely at his accomplishment.

"Great! Now I can start on the kelp! Two palms, right?"

As his father is measuring the needed amount to break off, Kyungsoo asks as casually as he can, his skin pin-prick cold, "So dad, what do you think's a good Christmas present for my boyfriend?"

He knows it's not more than a second. He knows. But he stills and looks at his father across the kitchen counter, heart suspended in his throat.

His father, not missing a beat, cracks the kelp with a twist of his palm down. "Well, you know I'm a little rusty when it comes to romance but if you really want my advice, get him a book he hasn't read yet. Jongin loves to read, right?"

It's like coming out of a trance.

It takes a second more for Kyungsoo's heart to start back up, the pump of it slow and then fast only to move back to normal in intervals. The breath he's been holding escapes him like a burst of bubble - instant but so quick you wonder if it ever even happened. Kyungsoo is yet to move, slack-jawed. He feels relief wash over him in a douse of flames. And yet inside he still feels like he's hollow, floating.

"Soo, where's the radish you chopped?" his father asks, dropping the anchovies he worked on and the kelp he broke off in a pot.

Kyungsoo blinks at his father, hearing but not quite believing. Not answering, his father looks up at him and asks with concern in his eyes, "Soo, you okay?"

He is. He's very much okay. He just feels like crying, is all.

"Y-yeah, dad. Why wouldn't I be?" Kyungsoo laughs, the sound catching in his throat. He covers it with a cough but his father has already caught on.

"Kyungsoo…" His father puts the bowl down, walks to the sink and washes his hands. He comes around the corner and towards Kyungsoo, stopping in front of him, a gentle smile on his face. A father's smile. The kind that puts Kyungsoo at ease when he knows he's done something wrong and might get in trouble. Only this time he's not in trouble, and he knows he hasn't done anything wrong. He just felt guilty sneaking around, running away for so long. "Kyungsoo," his father starts, sitting down next to him. "You know yourself better than I do. I would never question you, what you want, who you are. I'm just here to guide you."

"Dad-" Kyungsoo feels the hollowness he was feeling slowly begins to fill at his father's words, infinite happiness and a handful of joy. He knows he's incredibly lucky. He'd been worried for days, knowing how much his father loves him and yet he let his fear foster and grow. Kyungsoo supposes it is true, that admitting who you really are gets harder the more you care of their perception of you. A whole school full of students he won't see past high school is fine, but his father's opinion and affection, those matter to him. To hear his father's support, to have his trust, Kyungsoo feels like the luckiest son alive. "Thanks, dad. Thank you."

"No, Soo," his father pats his knee for comfort. "What's important is that you're happy. Always."

Kyungsoo doesn't cry but he hugs his father, their first hug in a long long while.

 

\--

 

Kyungsoo sends Seungsoo a message that night.

_> > hyung, i'm gay_

The next morning, when he wakes up, Seungsoo's reply makes him smile, and then laugh, and then smile some more until he feels his cheeks ache.

_> > i know. hyunsoo told me last month ;) jongin better treat you rite or imma fite him._

He lets Hyunsoo cook chicken pot pie for lunch.

 

\--

 

Jongin arrives bundled up in his wool hat and thick leather gloves, a plaid scarf wound around his neck like a snake. Kyungsoo finds himself smiling at the haphazard twists of the fabric. Jongin still doesn't know how to tie his own scarf, always asking Kyungsoo to do it for him when they leave school.

"Hey, hyung," Jongin smiles down at him, eyes bright and cheeks red from the cold outside. Kyungsoo reaches up to tug at the plaid, the fabric coming undone with ease, sliding of Jongin's neck in one pull. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I'll learn how to do it myself one day."

Kyungsoo shakes his head with an eye-roll, hanging the scarf on the coat rack. "Child."

"I'm not a child!" Jongin stomps his foot with a frown while Kyungsoo holds the shoulder of his coat and helps Jongin slide it off his arms.

"Spoken like a true child," he teases, hanging the coat next to Jongin's scarf, the brown and red colors a stark difference from the all-black coats of Kyungsoo's, his father's and Hyunsoo's.

Jongin just pouts at him, crossing his arms across his chest, the cream of his sweater stretching with his broad shoulders. Jongin's hair is not styled today, the strands just hanging down his forehead in clumps, damp from the cold outside. The faint beginnings of a pimple he kept on picking at yesterday has now grown to a bright red spot on his chin. There's a red mark down the left side of his forehead in a diagonal line, presumably from having napped before coming over. Jongin sleeps like a bear, dresses like a bear, eats like a bear.

Jongin looks like an adorable mess right here in the middle of his hallway.

"What are you smiling for?" Jongin narrows his eyes at him, pout still in place.

"C'mon," Kyungsoo shakes his head and laughs, tugging at Jongin's arm. "Let's go. Dad said he needs them sorted today."

"Fine, but I need compensation," Jongin says, finally dropping his arms down and letting himself be dragged across the living room to the kitchen where the basement door is. "I don't work for free."

Kyungsoo's father wanted his boxes of magazines sorted, accumulated downstairs through the years. This month, he cancelled his subscriptions to all the magazines, only renewing his journals. He said that in this digital age, he can get the information he needs and wants through a quick search, no need to pay extra for glossy paper. He plans to donate the magazines to the local library and some to the retirement home up in Stepford. Kyungsoo agreed to do it after his father promised him an increase in allowance next year. He offered the same deal to Hyunsoo who only said "no dog, no work," before locking himself up in his room, their deal with the chicken pot pie forgotten just as Kyungsoo predicted.

Enlisting Jongin's help was his father's idea. He promised Kyungsoo a hefty budget to take Jongin out to dinner. Kyungsoo didn't think twice. He informed Jongin immediately.

"Don't worry. Dad's paying," Kyungsoo tells him, smile playing on his lips as he opens the basement door and begins to head down. The damp smell of still air wafts up to greet them. Kyungsoo looks back to see Jongin scrunching up his nose cutely in the dim overhead light. "I already started a bit. Got through a box before lunch."

"How much? I saw this necklace on Austin's last week. Might get it for mom for Christmas," Jongin asks, pulling the basement door close behind him.

"Wait, no, don't," Kyungsoo stops and steps back up to hold the doorknob. "Dad said to leave the door open."

"Huh? Why?" Jongin lets go, face confused. "Isn't the heater on?"

How does Kyungsoo tell Jongin that his father warned him about any 'funny business' while they work? Kyungsoo was equal parts shocked and equals part mortified when his father began a rather lengthy and detailed impromptu sex education lecture right in the middle of the kitchen while he washed the dishes. He thinks he's heard the word 'prostate' in one afternoon to last him until he's at least forty years old and balding.

"Well, yeah but it's to-" Kyungsoo wracks his brain. He has never been good with lying. "-circulate the air? Before it gets colder?"

It thankfully sounds convincing enough because Jongin narrows his eyes but continues his way down. Kyungsoo pushes the door an inch more before he follows.

 

\--

 

His father had the basement renovated two years ago when Hyunsoo fell down the stairs and landed on his side, breaking a rib and bruising his thigh. Thankfully, his legs didn't suffer any damage, gravity hurtling his upper body forward, dragging his feet behind him safely. Still, he was not allowed to compete that year which bummed him out, leading him to spending most of his free time watching dance videos on youtube.

At first, it was only the stairs. They installed a sturdy one, thick mahogany with a red finish. They added white railings down the wall too, to help prevent another nasty fall. But then when the stairs were installed, his father said it looked out of place in the otherwise drab basement decor. So he had the contractor rework the floor, insulate the walls, add a new carpet. They got rid of the old couch, threw the old moldy carpet. They replaced the yellow light with bright white, painted the walls mint green. They brought down a new black leather couch, installed a portable in-house heater, added some shelves and cabinets, all of which are empty still. They boxed all the old magazines and books too and hauled them to the corner. His father keeps saying he'll go through them one day but he never does. He also said he'll turn the basement to a small cozy theater room but he never got to doing it too, always so busy at the hospital and the clinic. Until now, the basement is still pretty bare. Cobwebs now line the corner of the ceilings, dust has gathered on all the empty shelves. Even the new carpet has developed that certain damp smell that seems to be universal for all basements everywhere.

Jongin is currently seated next to him on the carpet, dusty magazines spread before them both. Jongin has a stack of People to his right and next to that a small pile of Reader's Digest, some dating as far back as 1971. Kyungsoo's side of the room has taller stacks of magazines because he's quick and efficient, wanting to go through as much as he can before he has to cook dinner. Jongin, on the other hand, would often stop and look through a magazine when he finds the cover interesting. Just a minute ago, he read Kyungsoo all the jokes on a Reader's Digest from 1989 because the cover said 'Are We Selling America Short?' with an illustration of a strawberry shortcake underneath.

Kyungsoo wanted to hurry Jongin up, but at the same time he likes spending time with him down here. It's not the same basement from his summer memories but it's familiar, sitting down on the floor with Jongin, going through glossy pages and overpriced ads with their creative concepts and quirky copy texts. Jongin isn't the same height as him now as he was then, the younger has outgrown him. He takes up more space on the floor with his long limbs. However, what doesn't change is those bright eyes of his, looking through each page he sees with wonder and curiosity. There's always a child-like quality to Jongin's excitement, like he's always seeing things for the first time, savoring them and committing them to memory. Once in a while, Jongin would hold a magazine up, apparently remembering it from when he was here before. Kyungsoo can't even remember what Esquire is despite seeing issues of it scattered about and he lives here.

"Oh hyung! Looooook!" Jongin suddenly exclaims, hands flapping about a thick magazine. "Loooook! Hyung oh my god look what I found!"

Jongin scoots closer to him, ever so close, so much closer than before, their thighs touching, arms pressed together, magazines pushed aside to accommodate the move.

"Stop waving it about then. I can't see," Kyungsoo grabs a hold of Jongin's arm, firmly setting it down. Jongin places the magazine he's holding in front of them and oh-

It's _that_ magazine.

The front page is of Tom Cruise, hair swept up from his face in a care-free tousle, moused to perfection. He has a simple gray shirt on, rugged look, scowl on his face, his piercing green eyes and prominent chin taking center stage. It's a Rolling Stone cover from December 1988.

Kyungsoo's memory of why he picked this particular magazine to house all the other Tom Cruise cut-outs he did is hazy at best. All he knows now was that when he was seven, he had great taste.

That feels good, admitting that. Before, when he thinks of this scrapbook, he associates it with hiding, running. He thinks of it in terms of guilt and lost friendship. Now, he can look at it and admit to himself that yeah, Tom Cruise was damn good looking at twenty six.

Beside him, Jongin is already looking through the pages, uneven cut-outs pasted on each page done by kiddie scissors and Elmers glue.

"Oh god, I forgot how bad you cut these, hyung," Jongin giggles, shoulders shaking in amusement. He's pointing at one of the topless Toms, pasted on a Tide ad. "See? You cut half his arm out here. Poor guy."

"Jongin, I was seven. I think the least of my concern then was if my scrapbook would get an A+ in neatness."

"Yeah, I'd give this a C at most. But content? This is a solid A," Jongin takes the magazine onto his lap and flips the pages. He and begins pointing at the Toms dressed in nothing but pants, some in shorts, others in sweaters, others in coats. "I mean, look at this man. He's got that dashing young debonair look when he's wearing a suit, then here he looks like a proper teenage heartthrob. Then here, topless! Hyung, you got some nice eyes at seven," Jongin wiggles his eyebrows, crescent moon eyes smiling at him, bright, happy and oh so beautiful.

"Beautiful," Kyungsoo whispers, the thought escaping him like a confession. It surprises him, how he doesn't feel like taking it back, how natural it is to say. How easy now. It taste like freedom.

"Well, yeah. Tom Cruise definitely is. Beautiful man, handsome man. Depends on how you look-"

"No, not him. I meant you."

Jongin's hands still on the page. He turns to look at Kyungsoo. There's a light tinge of pink blossoming on his cheeks, lips parted in slight surprise. "Hyung…"

In Kyungsoo's mind's eye, he sees it like this - twelve year old Jongin on this once cold basement floor, moldy carpet and dust-mites surrounded by dusty magazines, clear eyes looking at Kyungsoo with wonder and curiosity. August, one summer afternoon.

But what Kyungsoo is seeing now is this - Jongin on the warm hardwood basement floor, plush carpet surrounded by the same old dusty magazines, surprised eyes looking at Kyungsoo with questions and curiosity. December, one autumn-winter afternoon.

The images are different but the feeling that it stirs inside Kyungsoo is still the same, that unknown stir in his gut now has a name. It's want. It's longing in its most basic form. It's that need to know, that need to touch, that need to hold Jongin close.

It's been four years and yet Kyungsoo still wants to lean in and kiss Jongin Kim's lips.

But unlike four years ago, today, Kyungsoo does not run away. He leans in, studying Jongin's face in the slowness of his movements, looking at the way the younger's hair cascades down his forehead like a brown blanket, sticking and clumped together every which way. There's that blemish on his chin, the bump on his nose and the crease from his sleep on the side of his face. And yet all Kyungsoo can think of are his lips, pink and inviting. Jongin must know what Kyungsoo is about to do, because as Kyungsoo nears, Jongin's eyes flutter shut and with them Kyungsoo's eyes falls close.

There are no fireworks that goes off in Kyungsoo's brain when their lips meet. Kyungsoo doesn't know how to kiss. He's never kissed anyone before. He expected Jongin to lead, to teach him as he's had more experience, but the younger doesn't. He waits there, let's Kyungsoo take the reigns. It takes Kyungsoo a second of pause-decision before he tries to moves his lips against the younger's, experimenting, the way he's seen it in movies. However, as he's learned this junior year with Jongin, real life does not always resemble movies.

It's awkward, with Kyungsoo's hesitation and inexperience. But there's warmth, like a soft glow, like the beginnings of an ember from where their lips are connected. Kyungsoo feels Jongin's warm breath catch on his own, feels that same jolt in his gut - that want, that need to touch. It tugs him forward, tugs him closer. He moves, rises up on his knees and presses ever so closer to Jongin's body on the floor. His hands come up to hold the younger's face in the palm of his hands, feeling the warmth of the smoothness of Jongin's skin and the sharpness of his jaw. Kyungsoo kisses him, kisses him softly, tenderly, awkwardly, but in the most earnest way he can convey the yearning he feels in his heart.

When air fails them, they part but Kyungsoo's lips linger, a soft caress like a whisper. "I like you," he says into Jongin's lips, eyes opening to look at the younger's own, staring back at him with those same clear eyes from years ago. "I do. I really really do."

Jongin's smile blooms on his face like a flower, "Real-like? Not just pretend-like?"

Kyungsoo laughs, his heart feeling so light. "Yes, the real kind. Because that's not a pretend-kiss."

"Does this mean you're not just my pretend-boyfriend anymore?" Jongin's voice is teasing but Kyungsoo also hears something that sounds a lot like hope.

"Yes, I'm not just your pretend-boyfriend anymore," Kyungsoo lets go of Jongin's face and sits back down in front of him, reaching to take both of the younger's hands in his. Holding Jongin's hands has become an addiction that he's sure he won't be able to quit. "I've been wanting to tell you but I thought I needed to stop sneaking around first. Jongin, I came out to my dad last night."

Jongin smiles widely at his words, a genuine visible shine on his face. "Hyung, I'm really proud of you."

"You really helped a lot, you know? These past few months. I thought there were very few things I am afraid of. But it turns out the thing I'm most afraid of is just me - myself. Of feeling. Of wanting. But you-" Kyungsoo lifts the hands in his up to his lips and places a kiss on Jongin's knuckles, earning him a smile and a dust of blush on the younger's cheeks. "-you answered all of my questions. Because all of my questions led me to you."

"To me?"

"To you," Kyungsoo confirms.

"If so… then do you want to know a secret, hyung?" Jongin smiles his small little smile, that glint in his eyes stirs another fire in Kyungsoo. "None of it was ever just pretend to me. Everything I told you, everything I did - they were all because I meant them. And ever since that day we went for a drive, I've been thinking - about you, about us. And I realized why I wasn't ready with Yixing, why I will never be ready with him. Maybe being ready is not just about the timing but the other person too. Maybe sometimes, we're not ready not because it's not yet the right time but because it's not the right person. Yixing wasn't the right person, hyung. But you are."

Kyungsoo doesn't think, doesn't process, doesn't know why at all, but as if on autopilot, he moves, leans forward and presses his lips on Jongin's again. Jongin smiles into the kiss and pulls him closer.

The world doesn't stop, no. There's no pan-out, no 360 degree camera tricks. No slow-mo. It's just Kyungsoo and Jongin, kissing on the basement floor this cold December afternoon, a scrapbook of Tom Cruise cut-outs open by their feet.

So Kyungsoo supposes that maybe, it doesn't really start with Jongin Kim, not particularly. (It may have indeed started with Tom Cruise, after all.) But everything else? Everything else began with him.

When they part for a second time, catching their breaths, they smile into each others' lips and then kiss and kiss and kiss again.

It's like the end of a dream, the end of running. It's awakening, finally blooming, finally coming to a stop.

It feels a lot like young love.

 

 

 

 

 

// Press - _and the record goes on and on and on..._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> songs/movies/dramas/shows/books/food/others mentioned:  
> \- [i'm in love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5OXgF__fbE) by Ra.D, [ifuleaveme](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzpDx5L0Olg) by musiq soulchild  
> \- [top gun](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Top_Gun), [we're the millers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We%27re_the_Millers), [sunny](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sunny_\(2011_film\)), [old boy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oldboy_\(2003_film\))  
> \- [the devil](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7oHaBoXwSWs), [nine](https://www.netflix.com/title/80178276), [signal](https://myasiantv.to/drama/signal/), [black mirror](https://www.netflix.com/title/70264888)  
> \- [the devotion of suspect x](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Devotion_of_Suspect_X) by keigo higashino (movies based on it: [japanese](https://kissasian.es/Drama/Galileo-Suspect-X), [korean](https://yesmovie.info/watch-free/perfect-number/3brYz), [chinese](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpfBF5dJqwk)), [the two brothers nolbu and heungbu](https://www.tparents.org/Library/Unification/Talks2/Kirkbride/Kirkbride-100629.htm)  
> \- [budae jjigae](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=euVyBKNfxkk), [odeng in doenjang soup](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Slj_fM1jQVo), [kimchi mandu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpyEDjmTeGo), [samgyupsal kimbap](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKu9UJhzkW8), [katsu with curry](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAbwYkje-74), [jimdak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I16AwkdIZOw), [bossam](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0Ta_ckc9O0), [jjajang sauce with rice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4Cm75Qvk4A), [kimchijjim](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1BTXGrW4rJM), [dakgalbi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9uI1-6Ac6A), [yangnyeon chicken](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0smDhdzqXu8), [kimchi jjigae](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJgb92JWMCE), [egg sandwich](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2ujNhBAopI), [tuna mayo onigiri,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJXeatnyHn0) [kimchi spaghetti](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvcRSdqaScc),  
> \- [pororo drink](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v9_a374i12Q), [real cheese ramyun](https://www.ramennoodlist.com/2018/05/ottogi-real-cheese-ramen-south-korea/), [ssamanco](https://www.soompi.com/article/743715wpp/7-classic-korean-ice-cream-treats-you-must-try-this-summer), [grilled lobster tail topped with butter and cheese](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N4Ct0KcFh2M), [honey butter chips](http://www.thejfg.com/2015/07/21/calbeehoneybutterchip/), [kkokkalcorn, goguma kkang, ojingo ddangkong](https://www.90daykorean.com/korean-snacks/), [six-pack banana milk](https://www.amazon.com/Binggrae-Banana-Flavor-Milk-Pack/dp/B00PJCBM74)  
> \- [seollal](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Korean_New_Year), [some-tan](https://asiaanonymous.wordpress.com/2014/09/06/youre-not-my-girlfriend-youre-just-my-some-investigation-of-the-trending-korean-dating-keyword-some/), [gwishin](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gwisin), [katalk](https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.kakao.talk&hl=en), [dramaturgical analysis of social interaction](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUukBV82P9A), [studying in korea as a korean-american](https://youtu.be/ReQGOf8Sg34?t=316), [tom cruise cover](https://www.rarerecords.com.au/store/magazines/rolling-stone-dec-1988-tom-cruise-on-cover/), [don't sneak](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3wHjJUdN16k), [lake reference](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLN2uvzJkEc), title from [when we were young](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDWKuo3gXMQ) by adele


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